International Man Laws

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by brucewillis, Jul 20, 2008.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. If its been done, tough!


    1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

    2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
    (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
    (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
    (c) After wrecking your boss's car.
    (d) When she is using her teeth.

    3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.

    4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

    5:Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.
    However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

    6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

    7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

    8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask whose playing.

    9: You may f@rt in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's
    officially your girlfriend.

    10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

    11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

    12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

    13:Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

    14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

    15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

    16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

    17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

    18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

    19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

    20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

    21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
    Hang up if necessary.

    22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

    23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

    24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green, orange or sky blue.

    25: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox 360 End of story.

    26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

    27: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

    'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'

    'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!'

    I hope this clears up any confusion,

    The International Council of Man Laws
  2. Seconded!!! :D
  3. And another, (I'm bored today)

    13 Differences Between Men and Women

    1. NAMES

    If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call
    each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara. If Mark, Chris, Eric and
    Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy,
    Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.


    When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a £20,
    even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller
    and none will actually admit they want change back.

    When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

    3. MONEY

    A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.

    A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.


    A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving foam, razor, a
    bar of soap, and a towel from the Hilton.

    The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man
    would not be able to identify most of these items.


    A woman has the last word in any argument.

    Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.

    6. CATS

    Women love cats.

    Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

    7. FUTURE

    A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

    A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

    8. SUCCESS

    A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

    A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


    A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

    A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.


    A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,
    answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

    A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
    11. NATURAL

    Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

    Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


    Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
    appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and
    hopes and dreams.

    A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


    Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people
    remembering the same thing
  4. Extra Man Rule,

    No man can own a dog smaller than a football.
  5. What he said.