Inspired Police Officer

Discussion in 'The Intelligence Cell' started by BounceBanana, Mar 22, 2013.

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  1. Yes it was pleasing to see. A documentary about police on the so called front line. Lincolnshire Armed Police surround the target house and call upon the occupant to come out. Cheap shot.

    So anyway the fellow emerges with his hands in his pockets. Armed officers use their stern voices to tell him what to do. He ignores them. So they use their very bestest fierce loud voices. He still ignores them and saunters past them.

    Speaking personally I find police using fierce voices very amusing. But I do think that if an armed officer used a Julian Clary voice against me I might actually be terrified.

    There was a brief moment of confusion amongst the police.

    Then it happened. A great inspirational police moment. An armed officer went suddenly pre-decimal. Your hearts would have swollen with pride. He downed tools ballistic and went with tools God given. Namely he leapt on the twat and flattened him and arrested him.

    The debrief, my insiders tell me, was a spectacle. Gold Commander was there. Silver Commander. Bronze Commander. Nickel plated alloy commander. A Home Office key competency quality control assessor was there.

    Suffice it to say the air was thick with jargon. "Proactive" "Reactive" "Strategy" etc etc. The Home Office key competency approved self descriptor for police was much in evidence ("Professional" an oxymoron)

    So a report was collated and circulated to PCCs across England. New blood new ideas.

    My spies tell me that in Suffolk the new PCC (Now designated Platinum Commander) held a conference with Chief constable (Diamond Commander)

    "Couldn't the officer have tazered the twat tho ?" asked Platinum

    "Nope" said Diamond "That is for blind people who will have probs identifying the officer to IPCC. You have been briefed"

    "Well" said Platinum "I have been reading history."

    "Have you been reading Stonker's contributions to Arrse again" asked Diamond

    "No I been reading books innit" Platinum hit back "For example I looked up SWAT. And first I came across a word SWARFEGA. Apparently a cleansing hand gel used in industry"

    "Did you get to SWAT tho bro" asked Diamond

    "Of course blood, but only after Ised looked up what industry means. Turns out it is something this country had pre Thatcher. But that made me a yearning to learn more see ? I only gone and looked up pre-decimal then. What do I find. You won't believe this Diamond. Back then police were muscular guys who just leapt on villains an dat. No tazers nuffink. Just wallop wiv an occasional episode of surgery from a lumpa chippie wood dey carried for da purpose."

    Diamond left to visit the senior force counsellor.

    "Do you know what f-cking SWARFEGA means counsellor ?" asked Diamond

    Counsellor shakes her head

    "Apparently it is a hand gel that Thatchers used to use."

    "Oh" said counsellor "We need to brush up on your home office key competency listening skills again."
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  2. Did this happen in Kent?
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  3. I thought that it was a challenge to Kent's supremacy at police work, but I couldn't really understand it.
  4. "My insiders tell me."

    I call bullshit. The only people you converse with on a day to day basis are the barstaff at Wetherspoons, a DWP call centre and Mr Ding Dong yyour invisible sock drawer demon.
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  5. Policing in Kent is top-notch. Don't knock it!
  6. No.

    Just stop it.
  7. I know that Kent police are the best police service to ever grace this earth, but you've got to wander how good they really are if they haven't managed to Section 136 BounceBanana yet. Surely, as a deranged skiplicking inbred moron he should, by now,be in his own padded cell talking to Sir Robert Peel, Karl Marx and the other voices in his head?
  8. The guy threatened some local kids with a 'rifle' and in turn they alerted the police. As it turned out, it was an air rifle with a mounted scope, but the law wasn't to know that. It rolled from there.
  9. It is still a firearm under the law.

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  10. Shell and BP are on route to your locstat within Rampton, to bulk replenish your Camel Bak.
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