Innovative ways to kill birds.

#1
And I mean the feathered kind.
Although the way my missus has been behaving recently, I'll take suggestions on how to do her in as well.

My office is in a warehouse and we have a problem with pidgeons roosting in it (the warehouse that is).
For the last 10-15 minutes, it sounds like a couple of them are going at it ten to the dozen, in the roof space above the office. Either that or a pidgeon brothel has been set up, and it's various pidgeons banging the same bird. We did think maybe a pidgeon porn film was being made but that's just silly. I mean how would they operate the camera for a start?
But frankly the noise of ecstatic cooing is doing our heads in here. Luckily I'm off out soon so I can get away from it. But the others can't, so we're trying to come up with ways we can cull them.

Now the boss is a bit of a wimp and won't allow us to cull them with air rifles or any other type of firearm. So we've decided to try and come up with innovative ways to do them in. I've heard uncooked rice works, as the pidgeons eat a belly full of it, then the rice expands and their stomachs pop.

But are there anymore "spectaular" ways of doing them in? Preferably involving mid flight explosions, with guts being strewn around?
 
#2
And I mean the feathered kind.
Although the way my missus has been behaving recently, I'll take suggestions on how to do her in as well.

My office is in a warehouse and we have a problem with pidgeons roosting in it (the warehouse that is).
For the last 10-15 minutes, it sounds like a couple of them are going at it ten to the dozen, in the roof space above the office. Either that or a pidgeon brothel has been set up, and it's various pidgeons banging the same bird. We did think maybe a pidgeon porn film was being made but that's just silly. I mean how would they operate the camera for a start?
But frankly the noise of ecstatic cooing is doing our heads in here. Luckily I'm off out soon so I can get away from it. But the others can't, so we're trying to come up with ways we can cull them.

Now the boss is a bit of a wimp and won't allow us to cull them with air rifles or any other type of firearm. So we've decided to try and come up with innovative ways to do them in. I've heard uncooked rice works, as the pidgeons eat a belly full of it, then the rice expands and their stomachs pop.

But are there anymore "spectaular" ways of doing them in? Preferably involving mid flight explosions, with guts being strewn around?
Go for the Happy Mondays way, poisoned bread (allegedly).
 
#3
Find someone local who keeps birds of prey. I cant remember which of the various hunting birds is best for pigeons but your local falconer will know. The pigeons that are too stupid to make a quick stage left will not last long!
 
#6
Apparently birds cant fart, and as i understand you can give them bi-carbonate soda on bread which will make them expand and rupture inside, probably not the most enjoyable way to die, but i am sure that is the least of your worries, or you can get someone with a hawk or falcon to come along and kill a few, but that means knowing someone who does hawking or forking out the dosh for it!
 

B_AND_T

MIA
Book Reviewer
#8
A shovel, if the Green Jackets are to be believed.
 
#9
*cough* birdlime *cough* No explosions but plenty discomfort and warning screeches.

According to a guy in the pub.
 
#10
The boss does not go out for lunch. He eats at his desk, watching the bloody video cameras in the warehouse. He's a stereotypical Yorkshireman (i.e.tighter than a camels arse in a sand storm), so paying for hawks, kestrels, bald eagles is out of the question.

He doesn't want to deal with the problem basically, plus a few of the lads who work in our fabrication dept. like the disease ridden twats and feed them. Any hint of us shooting them will have them up in arms.

So, those of us in the office wanted a cheap & visually stunning way of ridding ourselves of them.
 
C

cloudbuster

Guest
#12
Steradent tablets, broken in half and left liberally scattered with bits of stale bread. Works on gulls, as I found, although losing a Saturday job on Hull fish dock as a result took the fun out of the spectacle.
 
#14
The boss does not go out for lunch. He eats at his desk, watching the bloody video cameras in the warehouse. He's a stereotypical Yorkshireman (i.e.tighter than a camels arse in a sand storm), so paying for hawks, kestrels, bald eagles is out of the question.

He doesn't want to deal with the problem basically, plus a few of the lads who work in our fabrication dept. like the disease ridden twats and feed them. Any hint of us shooting them will have them up in arms.

So, those of us in the office wanted a cheap & visually stunning way of ridding ourselves of them.
Shoot, in the following order:

Boss
Vegetarians
Pigeons
 
#16
Once you've got your warehouse covered in bird guts put bleach or ammonia down in the areas they were shagging in. That'll stop them returning. I dont know why it works but it does.

Piccies of the massacre would be nice :)
 
#17
Isnt killing small animals for fun one of the first signs of a serial killer?
 
#19
He's not killing small animals for fun - he is killing them for reasons of pest control and trying to make it fun.

Subtle difference.
 
#20
Would dogs barking be preferable to pigeons cooing?

Presuming that you have access to the office stationery cupboard...

Apply liberal amounts of Spraymount to accessible areas and sprinkle a few seeds or bread crumbs thereon. When the pigeon lands and gets stuck, generously coat it with petrol then apply a lighted match.

The pigeon will coo no more and will go "WOOF!" instead.


Obviously, you'll have to include Material Safety Data Sheets for the Spraymount and the petrol when you produce your Risk Assessment and Method Statement, them being COSHH materials. You'll also have to consider other site-specific hazards in order to determine appropriate PPE if the hazards can't be eliminated.
 

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