inner rumblings

Discussion in 'Now That's What I Call NAAFI Bar' started by Porridge_gun, Dec 29, 2009.

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  1. Porridge_gun

    Porridge_gun LE Good Egg (charities)

    For threedays prior to Chimbo, then Christmas day and boxing day I was constantly larroped on cleverness varying from Mulled wine, bulmers, wobbly, becks and some Weissen beer the doris managed to find me.

    By the 27th full up to the brim with festive shite food, goodies, choccy, biccys, puddings the lot, it dawned on me that I hadn't 'gone solid' for a few days.

    A swift pint of fresh orange usually sorts that, so was somewhat surprised when 3 litres later I still felt like there was a bowling ball stuck in my fallopian tube, or whatever I sh1t from. This rapidly turned to agony rendering me too poorly to do anything other than watch lie to me in bed all day.

    The doris came in frequently, asking if I was ok, if I'd been yet, if I wanted my head squeezing etc...... but I just wanted to be alone.

    Doubled up, I sat on the edge of the bed, sweating and twitching, wondering how this next pointless trip to the trumping pot would leave me...... I needn't have bothered worrying. I was about to recreate the dawn of the universe, in my own bedroom.

    As I sat up off the bed, there was an explosion, similiar to that one when the death star got the good news....... it wasn't particularly loud, more like a moist plunge, like sinking a fist into a bag of jelly. I'm only disapointed that I wasn't able to see the full glory of the blat as I was halfway standing up and my anus is just below my back.

    No word of a lie, and on the life of my nipper, there was beige and magnolia coloured nastyness all over the bed, floor, bedside table, phone, shoes.... my recreation of the solar system had given birth to new dung planets, granted, only very small and very very wet, but similar all the same. I even managed to sprinkle a bit on the hound that was kipping on the floor.

    I clearly let out a huge sigh and I think my bottom lip wobbled a bit. The worst was yet to come though, I heard the doris running up the stairs. I immediatley evaluated whether there would be time from her clearing the landing to the bedroom door whether I could disguise the freshly decorated 6 foot square space around my hoop.

    I've seen her shocked, but not like this, he face looked like she seen a ghost, a big sh1tstained ghost that emitted a stench like pure silage. She let out a small scream, then vommed in her own hands and ran out the room. This clearly caught the attention of the nipper who ran down the landing, got a whiff before she entered the room and barfed up the bedroom door.

    I felt immediatley better for freeing the poobeast that was lurking within, but I'd be lying if I said cleaning up didn't have me heaving a few times.

    My finest moment, and one which I must share was, prior to stepping in the shower, I looked in the mirror with a bit of a grin, turned around and noticed I'd actually managed to dung up my own back and even the back of my sack.

    The doris seems quite genuine when she tells me she doesn't think she can ever come near me again and my nipper thinks I'm some kind of mad sh1t freak...... but I guess its another tick on the box of lifes milestones.

    Anyone else shat up their own backs? and does anyone know how to get runny sh1t out of a blackberry?
    • Funny Funny x 2
  2. actually had me laughing out loud at my desk, waving off concerned looks from my colleagues.

    Congrats for being able to deal with the mess yourself!
  3. When overcome with a surfeit of Sarajevska Pivo and a couple of dodgy cevaps, I managed to spray what I initially thought was a silent fart, up the sleeping Mrs Burpa's back and then across the bedroom floor on the way to the lavvy.

    I tried to hold back the tide with my hands while on the move, using the thumb as a makeshift bung. It was a bad idea. The bog door, handle and seat were soon covered in brown hand prints. Half way between standing and sitting, the second wave of the tsunami train hit and I sprayed the wall of the guest house cistern with liquids and managed to shite all over the toilet brush.

    Once I sat down, nothing further emerged. There is no God.
    • Funny Funny x 1
  4. Best Post on here in a long time, actually laughed out loud.
  5. These things are usually preceeded by a cold sweat and a feeling of impending doom.
  6. I was merely chuckling until you got to the bit about getting shit out of a Blackberry, then I bellowed like a rhino.

    Funniest thing I have read for some time.
  7. Best laugh i've had in months!

    Mr & Mrs Brown and all their children came to visit you all at once!
  8. A few years ago in a small town or village called Kiseljak I was doing a nightshift, and on that night shift my sphinny sensor was faulty, in that where upon normal daily movements and activities my potential motions false or true would be detected and all fail safes would have prevented a problem (solids, liquids and gases escaping). So there I was believing what my sphinny sensor was telling me it’s Gas. Bang wallop Liquid. However the main pain was been on shift and unable to get changed for a lengthy period of time So i stood for about ½ an hour leaking poop until someone came down to the place of work who allowed me on my merry way for a douche and a change.

    sorry forgot to mention he did laugh alot
  9. Farted in bed one night,woke up in the morning covered in shit and all my bedding stained,had a huge turtles head sticking out of my arse that had worked like a crayon smearing shit everywhere.
    • Funny Funny x 1
  10. Porridge_gun

    Porridge_gun LE Good Egg (charities)

    There must be something inside an arrse that turns totally solid blocked up mass into smelly brothy coffee. It must be instant as there was absolutely zero flash to bang time, not even time to stand to attention and accept my fate.

    The doris is of course over reacting, demanding new bedding, carpet...... I simply said 'We aren't replacing the dog and that got shat on' which surprisingly upset her further.

    Whilst relaying what had happened to a friend of hers, she paused and said ' I actually think the disgusting arsehole is quietly proud of himself' then went off on a tangeant about finding someone more refined.

    Her parting shot this morning, prior to her leaping on the train to salesville was 'I suppose you'll tell this juvenile pillocks on that army website you've redecorated the bedroom'

    I lied and said 'Of course not' then the nipper said 'Daddy, next time you poo you should try and get it in the toilet'
  11. Sympathetic_Reaction

    Sympathetic_Reaction LE Book Reviewer

    I had a similar feeling about 5 years ago, 3 days of not passing anything solid I started to feel pretty bad....Doc gave me the magic arrse pill...about 3 cm long and 1 wide.. I had to feed it in from the wrong end and hour later the toilet had been shot blasted constantly for about 5 minutes and the rest of the house occupants had run screaming for oxygen.

    Great feeling...;)

  12. Classic! Absolute classic. Mrs PMU and I have been doubled up in tears of laughter.

    Thank you Porridge and a happy New Year (and Blackberry)
  13. 'Daddy, next time you poo you should try and get it in the toilet'

    Now that is even funnier
  14. The fact she shows doubt in your pride tells me you're being FAR too reticent in your glowing pride. You should post it on your facebook page...better still post it on HER facebook page so she can bask in your reflacted glory!!
  15. A couple of years ago I managed to get campylobacter the problem wasn't the fact I was blocked up but the 10 days not knowing when my next solid shit was coming from. So off I trots to the the pride of the health service little vial full of a liquid that was actually the colour of a light bitter, explain to Doc that I have not had clean underwear for a few days, so the Doc in his infinite wisdom gives me Immodium. Now I am still not sure what was worse having a piss through my arrse every 5 minutes and having a severe case of ring sting, or not going for 3 days and when I did it was like the eruption of Krakatoa.