inner rumblings

#1
For threedays prior to Chimbo, then Christmas day and boxing day I was constantly larroped on cleverness varying from Mulled wine, bulmers, wobbly, becks and some Weissen beer the doris managed to find me.

By the 27th full up to the brim with festive shite food, goodies, choccy, biccys, puddings the lot, it dawned on me that I hadn't 'gone solid' for a few days.

A swift pint of fresh orange usually sorts that, so was somewhat surprised when 3 litres later I still felt like there was a bowling ball stuck in my fallopian tube, or whatever I sh1t from. This rapidly turned to agony rendering me too poorly to do anything other than watch lie to me in bed all day.

The doris came in frequently, asking if I was ok, if I'd been yet, if I wanted my head squeezing etc...... but I just wanted to be alone.

Doubled up, I sat on the edge of the bed, sweating and twitching, wondering how this next pointless trip to the trumping pot would leave me...... I needn't have bothered worrying. I was about to recreate the dawn of the universe, in my own bedroom.

As I sat up off the bed, there was an explosion, similiar to that one when the death star got the good news....... it wasn't particularly loud, more like a moist plunge, like sinking a fist into a bag of jelly. I'm only disapointed that I wasn't able to see the full glory of the blat as I was halfway standing up and my anus is just below my back.

No word of a lie, and on the life of my nipper, there was beige and magnolia coloured nastyness all over the bed, floor, bedside table, phone, shoes.... my recreation of the solar system had given birth to new dung planets, granted, only very small and very very wet, but similar all the same. I even managed to sprinkle a bit on the hound that was kipping on the floor.

I clearly let out a huge sigh and I think my bottom lip wobbled a bit. The worst was yet to come though, I heard the doris running up the stairs. I immediatley evaluated whether there would be time from her clearing the landing to the bedroom door whether I could disguise the freshly decorated 6 foot square space around my hoop.

I've seen her shocked, but not like this, he face looked like she seen a ghost, a big sh1tstained ghost that emitted a stench like pure silage. She let out a small scream, then vommed in her own hands and ran out the room. This clearly caught the attention of the nipper who ran down the landing, got a whiff before she entered the room and barfed up the bedroom door.

I felt immediatley better for freeing the poobeast that was lurking within, but I'd be lying if I said cleaning up didn't have me heaving a few times.

My finest moment, and one which I must share was, prior to stepping in the shower, I looked in the mirror with a bit of a grin, turned around and noticed I'd actually managed to dung up my own back and even the back of my sack.

The doris seems quite genuine when she tells me she doesn't think she can ever come near me again and my nipper thinks I'm some kind of mad sh1t freak...... but I guess its another tick on the box of lifes milestones.

Anyone else shat up their own backs? and does anyone know how to get runny sh1t out of a blackberry?
 
#3
When overcome with a surfeit of Sarajevska Pivo and a couple of dodgy cevaps, I managed to spray what I initially thought was a silent fart, up the sleeping Mrs Burpa's back and then across the bedroom floor on the way to the lavvy.

I tried to hold back the tide with my hands while on the move, using the thumb as a makeshift bung. It was a bad idea. The bog door, handle and seat were soon covered in brown hand prints. Half way between standing and sitting, the second wave of the tsunami train hit and I sprayed the wall of the guest house cistern with liquids and managed to shite all over the toilet brush.

Once I sat down, nothing further emerged. There is no God.
 
#6
I was merely chuckling until you got to the bit about getting shit out of a Blackberry, then I bellowed like a rhino.

Funniest thing I have read for some time.
 
#8
A few years ago in a small town or village called Kiseljak I was doing a nightshift, and on that night shift my sphinny sensor was faulty, in that where upon normal daily movements and activities my potential motions false or true would be detected and all fail safes would have prevented a problem (solids, liquids and gases escaping). So there I was believing what my sphinny sensor was telling me it’s Gas. Bang wallop Liquid. However the main pain was been on shift and unable to get changed for a lengthy period of time So i stood for about ½ an hour leaking poop until someone came down to the place of work who allowed me on my merry way for a douche and a change.

sorry forgot to mention he did laugh alot
 
#9
Porridge_gun said:
For threedays prior to Chimbo, then Christmas day and boxing day I was constantly larroped on cleverness varying from Mulled wine, bulmers, wobbly, becks and some Weissen beer the doris managed to find me.

By the 27th full up to the brim with festive shite food, goodies, choccy, biccys, puddings the lot, it dawned on me that I hadn't 'gone solid' for a few days.

A swift pint of fresh orange usually sorts that, so was somewhat surprised when 3 litres later I still felt like there was a bowling ball stuck in my fallopian tube, or whatever I sh1t from. This rapidly turned to agony rendering me too poorly to do anything other than watch lie to me in bed all day.

The doris came in frequently, asking if I was ok, if I'd been yet, if I wanted my head squeezing etc...... but I just wanted to be alone.

Doubled up, I sat on the edge of the bed, sweating and twitching, wondering how this next pointless trip to the trumping pot would leave me...... I needn't have bothered worrying. I was about to recreate the dawn of the universe, in my own bedroom.

As I sat up off the bed, there was an explosion, similiar to that one when the death star got the good news....... it wasn't particularly loud, more like a moist plunge, like sinking a fist into a bag of jelly. I'm only disapointed that I wasn't able to see the full glory of the blat as I was halfway standing up and my anus is just below my back.

No word of a lie, and on the life of my nipper, there was beige and magnolia coloured nastyness all over the bed, floor, bedside table, phone, shoes.... my recreation of the solar system had given birth to new dung planets, granted, only very small and very very wet, but similar all the same. I even managed to sprinkle a bit on the hound that was kipping on the floor.

I clearly let out a huge sigh and I think my bottom lip wobbled a bit. The worst was yet to come though, I heard the doris running up the stairs. I immediatley evaluated whether there would be time from her clearing the landing to the bedroom door whether I could disguise the freshly decorated 6 foot square space around my hoop.

I've seen her shocked, but not like this, he face looked like she seen a ghost, a big sh1tstained ghost that emitted a stench like pure silage. She let out a small scream, then vommed in her own hands and ran out the room. This clearly caught the attention of the nipper who ran down the landing, got a whiff before she entered the room and barfed up the bedroom door.

I felt immediatley better for freeing the poobeast that was lurking within, but I'd be lying if I said cleaning up didn't have me heaving a few times.

My finest moment, and one which I must share was, prior to stepping in the shower, I looked in the mirror with a bit of a grin, turned around and noticed I'd actually managed to dung up my own back and even the back of my sack.

The doris seems quite genuine when she tells me she doesn't think she can ever come near me again and my nipper thinks I'm some kind of mad sh1t freak...... but I guess its another tick on the box of lifes milestones.

Anyone else shat up their own backs? and does anyone know how to get runny sh1t out of a blackberry?
Farted in bed one night,woke up in the morning covered in shit and all my bedding stained,had a huge turtles head sticking out of my arse that had worked like a crayon smearing shit everywhere.
 
#10
There must be something inside an arrse that turns totally solid blocked up mass into smelly brothy coffee. It must be instant as there was absolutely zero flash to bang time, not even time to stand to attention and accept my fate.

The doris is of course over reacting, demanding new bedding, carpet...... I simply said 'We aren't replacing the dog and that got shat on' which surprisingly upset her further.

Whilst relaying what had happened to a friend of hers, she paused and said ' I actually think the disgusting arsehole is quietly proud of himself' then went off on a tangeant about finding someone more refined.

Her parting shot this morning, prior to her leaping on the train to salesville was 'I suppose you'll tell this juvenile pillocks on that army website you've redecorated the bedroom'

I lied and said 'Of course not' then the nipper said 'Daddy, next time you poo you should try and get it in the toilet'
 
#11
I had a similar feeling about 5 years ago, 3 days of not passing anything solid I started to feel pretty bad....Doc gave me the magic arrse pill...about 3 cm long and 1 wide.. I had to feed it in from the wrong end and wait....an hour later the toilet had been shot blasted constantly for about 5 minutes and the rest of the house occupants had run screaming for oxygen.

Great feeling...;)

S_R
 
#12
Classic! Absolute classic. Mrs PMU and I have been doubled up in tears of laughter.

Thank you Porridge and a happy New Year (and Blackberry)
 
#13
'Daddy, next time you poo you should try and get it in the toilet'

Now that is even funnier
 
#14
Porridge_gun said:
Whilst relaying what had happened to a friend of hers, she paused and said ' I actually think the disgusting * is quietly proud of himself' then went off on a tangeant about finding someone more refined.
The fact she shows doubt in your pride tells me you're being FAR too reticent in your glowing pride. You should post it on your facebook page...better still post it on HER facebook page so she can bask in your reflacted glory!!
 
#15
A couple of years ago I managed to get campylobacter the problem wasn't the fact I was blocked up but the 10 days not knowing when my next solid shit was coming from. So off I trots to the the pride of the health service little vial full of a liquid that was actually the colour of a light bitter, explain to Doc that I have not had clean underwear for a few days, so the Doc in his infinite wisdom gives me Immodium. Now I am still not sure what was worse having a piss through my arrse every 5 minutes and having a severe case of ring sting, or not going for 3 days and when I did it was like the eruption of Krakatoa.
 
#16
Not a runny poo story but...

Visiting a girl i knew in london we went out on the lash (i was in a guiness phase at the time). Ended up back at her place which was one of those massive student houses- about 15 people in the one house. So i need a hangover shit - badly- but can hear people in the only toilet all the time so i lie in her bed suffering extreme pain with associated turtlehead and sweats. Eventually toilet is free so i stagger to my feet and try to walk to the toilet without cacking myself. At this stage girlfriend thinks she will be funny and jumps up and nips past me into the toilet. In a very calm voice i inform her through the locked door that im going to shit now, she laughs and goes 'i'll only be a second'.

By now my lower colon has nearly prolasped trying to hold in the black bog trout so i squat down in the hallway and release the shit into my hands- being very careful to try and maintain the integrity of the beast so i can hold it like a bat, in one piece. One of her housemates then walks out of her room to see me squating on the floor holding a 9 inch mutlicoloured shite, with the associated stench in the air. She then, not unreasonably, lets out a massive cry of 'what the f*ck at you doing, aaaaaaggggggghhhhhhh'. This prompts the girlfriend to open the toilet door to be greeted with the scene, who also lets out a massive scream.

Realising that it would be rude to attempt to walk past her holding onto this steaming beast i stand up and throw it out the open window in the hallway into the yard at the back. This starts another round of screams. This was fast becoming an 'incident' so i did what i only could do and that was put all the blame on the girlfriend as i had informed her i was going to 'go'.

Not surprisingly i had to leave the house (after stalling for as long as possible the cleaning up of the still intact turd from top of a bin). The poo had people dry retching as they looked at it through the kitchen window- probably my proudest moment, to be honest.

Women! eh! :roll:
 
#17
Porridge_gun said:
There must be something inside an arrse that turns totally solid blocked up mass into smelly brothy coffee. It must be instant as there was absolutely zero flash to bang time, not even time to stand to attention and accept my fate.

The doris is of course over reacting, demanding new bedding, carpet...... I simply said 'We aren't replacing the dog and that got shat on' which surprisingly upset her further.

Whilst relaying what had happened to a friend of hers, she paused and said ' I actually think the disgusting * is quietly proud of himself' then went off on a tangeant about finding someone more refined.

Her parting shot this morning, prior to her leaping on the train to salesville was 'I suppose you'll tell this juvenile pillocks on that army website you've redecorated the bedroom'

I lied and said 'Of course not' then the nipper said 'Daddy, next time you poo you should try and get it in the toilet'
see, little girls's are more intelligent than boys
at least you didn't have to go all bobby brown & pull it out with your fingers
:puker:
i was eating as i read this BTW
tasted just as good the second time i swallowed it :D
 
#18
Scuba diving from a beach off Plymouth when I decided that I urgently needed to make a sausage, so I walked into the sea and unzipped my wetsuit, peeled it down (a bit cold at first but it was summer) and did the deed, washed my arrse underwater in the sea and pulled my suit back up. Back up to the lads and started to get kitted up for the dive. Asked my buddy to help me pull my integral hood over my head and there was no answer. Then a "What the fcuk is that!?!?"
You've guessed it, a 'cigar fish' had floated into my wetsuit hood and I'd duly carried it back to shore again.
I'm just glad I didn't actually manage to pull my hood over my head.

Talk about getting your own back. :lol:
 
#19
Jeeeze, this thread has had me in stitches and I actually laughed out loud so that the Chinese contractors had a quick conflab and agreed that I am as mad as a hatter.

My own crapping story is a bit, well, crappy but here goes. I was in Belize and R** O******* the c unt was too idle to get up in the morning and feed the 400 gal water container with puritabs. Later the same day I came down with the shits. Quite spectacular but not as crowd pleasing as some already related on here. I went on sick parade and was kept waiting for an hour to see the MO. I darent go to the crapper as my arse was already red raw and I knew that once I sat down I wouldnt be able to get up for ages. The MO arrived hauled me in listened inattentively to my tale of woe and asked me to "take your trousers off and lay on your side on the bed". I did so and he immediately shoved what felt like a roll of lino up me arse and wiggled it around. I broke into a cold sweat. Dont... I croaked, but too late. He removed his finger and a jet of liquid shit followed it out. It hit his hand and travelled up as far as the shoulder of his immaculately pressed shirt. there were flecks of it on his glasses and in his hair. It wouldnt stop coming and it was a vile green colour with the consistency of oily sawdust. The stench would have won prizes. Eventualy the flood died away and he told me to get up and clean up in the adjacent toilet. I had to wade through a pool of honking sht to get there. Meanwhile the MO called out to the desk oik "Cpl XXX bucket and mop please" and to me, as he was busy washing his hands and specs in his sink: "You have diarrhoea, Cpl.
 
#20
Porridge_gun said:
and does anyone know how to get runny sh1t out of a blackberry?
Take it back for servicing! :wink:
Oh, and let us know their customer care response.

There are stories when sometimes there is a little tooo much information.
This isn't one of them - LFAO

I just wondered if your monika might give us a clue as to why you were sooo bunged up :?

As for interior decorating it might be best going beige or a DPM scheme next time.
P'haps if you had maintained opsec as to your condition, you could have blamed the dog.
I'm sure his nose is more than a little put out anyways.

Looking forward to hearing further sitreps - sure beats Eastenders!
Happy 2010 btw....
 
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