Greetings all! What a wonderful place to regale in oneâs youth! Having read a number of threads (havenât laughed so much in years!) I thought I would add a thread of my own to allow us all (even them what wear black!) a tiptoe through the tulip fields of nostalgia as to how we, as Cavalry soldiers of Her Majesty, brought a touch of class to other elements of HM Forces with the subsequent light-hearted banter and merriment (and a little bit of jail time too perchance). My chosen contribution of inflicting Cav-ness on those poor unfortunates not privileged to serve in the RAC is set in the latter stages of the 1980âs. I had, for my sins, secured a course of instruction at the School of Insanityâ¦ ops, Infantry. No problem there, there were worse places for Cav to go on coursesâ¦â¦. Having gained a certain reputation for being permanently in the sh1t (with just the depth varying), I was invited for a wee pre-course chat with the Squadron Leader. After exchanging pleasantries the Squadie pointed out âOpen you mouth and fcuk up in Aldershot young man and you wonât be a LCpl much longer!â and he didnât mean promotion! âErr, sorry, Sir, but isnât the School of Infantry at Warminster?â I knew it bloody was! âCorrect,â replied the Squadie, âBut youâre going to J Division, and thatâs Aldershot!â Result thought I! Ma and Pa lived in Farnham just down the road from the Shot, so I envisaged a few home meals and spoiling by the olds during the course. As we exchanged further pleasantries on my departure the Squadie added, âBy the way, J Division is at Depot PARAâ¦â¦.â FCUK!!! Once I checked this with the chief clark (âWe could have sent you to Warminster, but we thought Depot PARA would be character building for you!â (We being chiefy and the SSM and this being revenge for a nasty incident involving Smarties, but thatâs another story!) Well following a glorious wedding in London where I was part of the sword guard I dropped my blues et al at Ma and Paâs and headed to the home of airborne forces. Once inside and having ensured it was permitted I parked up outside the block that was to be my new home to unload my chattels. âWhat the kin hell are you doing with that piece of crap on the Depotâs Square!!!â Snarled the Provost Sergeant. How dare he call the automotive love of my life, a Ford Capri crap I thought (well, it was the 80âs!)! But seeing as he had three stripes to my one (along with a Pedro tash and a beret shaped like Albert Tatlocks flat cap!) I let it go! âSoz Sarnât,â ses I, âon a course here, this is my block and the lad at the gate said it was ok to park while I unloadedâ âCourses, eh? J Div, eh? Well get it of the Depotâs Square, boy, and just you kin remember that while youâre here, stripes or not, trained grunt or not, youâre just a âhatâ!â Well, I tolerated my Capri being called âcrapâ (after all beauty and beholderâs eye etc) but I wasnât going to be accused of being in an infantry Regiment of the Line by any James Hunt! âActually, Iâm in the cavalry!â ses I in response. Once the Provost Sergeant picked himself up of the floor having pissed himself laughing he stood toe to toe with me and whispered, âIâm knocking off just now, but Iâll see you outside MY guardroom 1900hrs tomorrow in your BEST KIT laffing boy!â Well, as one can imagine, how p1ssed off was I! Anyway, as I settled into the block and retold the tail to my new roomies a plan formed. âBest kitâ, Iâll give the merchant banker âbest kin kitâ and a little trip back to my folks followed shortly! 1850 hrs the following day I was standing by the mirror at the entrance to the block, my new mates taking bets as to whether Iâd get spit roasted by the RP staff or merely jailed for the rest of my natural for the bare cheek of what I was about to doâ¦. âCap, No1 Dress â Checkâ âTunic, No1 Dress âCheckâ âEpaulettes Chain-mail â Checkâ âBelt, Despatch â Checkâ âBelt, Sword â Checkâ âGloves, white â Checkâ âTrousers, Overall â Checkâ âBoots, George â Checkâ âSpurs â Checkâ and the piece de rÃ©sistance âSword, Cavalry Patter 1912, Other Ranks â Checkâ A hush came over the fellows in attendance as I stepped back two paces from the mirror, sword at the trail completing the movment by rasing the leg thigh parallel to the ground, foot hanging naturally below the knee before drivging it home to assume the position of attention! One last look in the mirror, yep, that how one scores with brideâs maidsâ¦.. REMEMBER BALACLAVA! Right turn, quick march (Garry Owen paying in my head), out the door, left wheel, fcuk it, three paces extra, left turn on the marchâ¦. It was an interesting journey to the Guard Room, a good 3 score salutes from crows (inc 2 x Cpls and 1 from a âfellowâ subaltern!). RV Guard Room 1859hrsâ¦. well, it would have been except for the run in with Depot RSMâ¦. and his boss, the LT COL Commanding Depot! Contact, Senior Officer, Wait Out! Best defence is attack, smart salute to the left on the march and brass neck it outâ¦ UP, TWO, THREE âGood evening, SAH!â DOWN, SWINGâ¦.. remember to breath, remember to breathâ¦â¦ âOI! GENERAL CUSTER, COME âERE!â Gulp, donât fart, you may follow throughâ¦.. fcuk it, HALT, ABOUT TURN, QUICK MARCH, HALT, SALUTE! CO: âAsk him who he is and why heâs wearing that here, RSM!â RSM âWHO THE KIN HELL ARE YOU AND WHY ARE YOU DRESSED LIKE THE MISSING PERSON FROM VILLAGE PEOPLE IN DEPOT, PARACHUTE REGIMENT AND AIRBORNE FORCES!!!â ME â LCpl Me, Fractional Donkeywhallopers. Been ordered to report to the GuardRoom at 1900hrs in my best kit by the Provost Sarnât and this is the best kit I haveâ¦â¦. and Iâm gpoing to be late. Permission to carry on, please, SAH! CO âCarry on indeed!â (smiled the old sweet shaking his head.) âGo with him RSM!â ME âThank you SAH!â Spit roasting for sureâ¦â¦. What remained of the journey to guard room was a blur of salutes (not returned this time of course) and dressing downs to the poor miscreant, all crows this time! The Provost Sergeant was waitingâ¦. RSM: Did you tell this cnut to report in best kit at 1900 Provost Sgt: Errrrâ¦. yes, Sir, but I didnât thinkâ¦. (Iâd have lied here!) RSM: Obviously! RSM: (Turning to me) And you just âhappenedâ to have this with you? ME: Yes, Sir, Sword Guard at a wedding, Sir, came Straight here, Sir. (I did lie about that!). RSM: Well you funny little fcuker, I could jail you for this stunt, I should jail you for this stunt, but then Iâd have to jail the quarter of soldiers under training, several NCOs and send a 2LT to see the adjutant for saluting you! Alternatively, you could âvoluntarilyâ join us for early morning PTâ¦.. ME: (Jail me, jail me, jail me)â¦ Permission to volunteer for early morning PT, please, SAH! RSM: Granted, now fcuk off and put your black coveralls on or what ever you normally wear thatâs from this centuaries 1157 issue (didnât seem wise to correct him on this) and put that kin toothpick in the armoury! ME: Very Good SAH, Thank you SAHâ¦â¦.. about turn, quick march! By the end of the course I had a shinny new badge to wear above my tapes, a waist two inches slimmer and the best BFT time Iâd ever done and had put the debt of a small African nation across the Cpls Mess bar. Before leaving I got a message to go see the razman, he had something for meâ¦ a good thumping or a letter for my CO âDear Colonel, this soldierâs a cnut, please bust and âjail him etc..â . Iâd take the slap over the latterâ¦â¦ Instead I got a pat on the back and you ever thought of a transfer to us (yeah, right!) and a Depot plaque for sticking with the PTâ¦â¦ Who says Badges donât have a sense of humour if you have a pair of balls to exercise it on.