In glorously bad taste, appropriate for the NAAFI bar, I present to you the inevitable list of Fritzi jokes: What's Josef Fritzl's favourite chat-up line? 'Fancy a bit of how's-your-father?' An Austrian woman is like a good wine. Best left to mature in a cellar. Popularity for Austria as a stag do destination has plummeted after men have realised that Austrians really do lock up their daughters. Shock upon hearing the news. All except the Muslim community, who couldn't understand what all the fuss was about. Why don't Austrians care whether their lovers are 4, 14 or 40 years old? Because one size Fritz-all. What with the downturn in the UK housing market and the demand for custom living space dwindling, the Grand Designs team are considering moving the program to Austria, where 'wannabe' architects appear to be making a killing. Did you hear Fritzl tried to put his kids up for adoption? Unfortunately the Jersey Children's home said their cellar was already full. Just when we thought Shannon Matthews was pissing the World Hide & Seek Record, some Austrian bird romps home with a 24 year claim! But Shannon has lodged an appeal, protesting that Elisabeth Fritzl had help from her father. I've just bought this Austrian girl's diary off ebay. It's not very interesting it just says: Monday: Stayed in Tuesday: Stayed in Wednesday: Stayed in. Q: Why do Austrians go raving? A: They love a little underground house Austrian social services have said that Josef Fritzl has been improving as a father as of late. In fact, police have said that he has 'Been coming into his own.' Authorities have expressed concern over Josef Fritzl's lastest job application to become a construction worker at the Haut de la Garenne children's home in Jersey. The Austrians have taken their fondness for the Sound of Music too far. They even have their own Von Trapped family. An Austrian journalist asked a neighbour how long he had known Josef Fritzls' daughter Alice. 'Alice?' he replied. 'Who the f**k is Alice? You mean for 24 years I've been living next door to Alice? Official advice on sex education for Austrian teenagers is to keep them in the dark as long as possible. Upon her release after 24 years of being locked away Miss Fritzl's first question was 'Have Liverpool won the League yet?' Josef Fritzl is writing a book. He's hoping it will be a best cellar. In a word: - Sorry!