Inappropriate Places To Shit Yourself

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by the_guru, Mar 20, 2006.

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  1. I have had this really hacking cough now for about a month and and a half. So bad that it threw my back out, slipping a disc and causing the worst pain in the world in my left leg. Had to take a week off work. Got given some Codeine stuff, a weeks worth of Diazepam, and some Dicoflenac muscle relaxant, which quite obviously didn't work as it bungedme up like a black cork. Been on the p*ss with Santa Sunday in Liverpool this W/E and despite huge amounts of alcohol and Chicken Vindaloo three nights running, still no dung emission. So I took the bull by the horns, so to speak, and took 3 laxatives with my brekkie. Got in the car for the drive back dahn sarff and then it all went so very very wrong. Got stuck in traffic going over the Runcorn Bridge and SS and I were having a laugh about something or other, when I started coughing. I shat myself, literally, and not just a rabbit poops worth, a fcuking lot. In a traffic jam. It took 40 mins to get through the traffic to Lymm services and you could cut the atmos with a knife. The smell was unbearable(but could have been that we were near Widnes) And poor old SS was getting greener by the minute as we inched through the traffic and the lava oozed down my leg. I had to even BLR my socks at the Services. Thank god for Company Cars. Anyone else shat themselves good and proper?? (I also did it on Telic, but we all did)
  2. I suppose the worst place to sh1t yourself has got to be in your girlfriend's knickers....

    edited 'cos I'm a dweeb...
  3. TG, You should have read the instructions for taking Laxitives, take them before bedtime, and they work during sleep, you wake up, have a half hours dump and you'd have been fine. No sympathy here I,m afraid.
    I'm sure if you had been drinking the local brew (Cains) the problem wouldn't have happened in the first place.

  4. Yes, I should have taken them the night before, but I couldn't even find my face the night before.
  5. cpunk

    cpunk LE Moderator

    Just out of interest, where would be an appropriate place to sh1t one's self?
  6. In the CO's Office whilst on Orders. Makes him feel good, and stinks his office out for ages, plus a little seepage on the carpet would be a nice 'keepsake' for him...

    (No, not guilty M'Lud)
  7. mate of mine "grand-slammed" whilst under close arrest in 35 engr guardroom in hameln.

    another lad B##z Bl#####d held a dirty protest in his bunk in antrim, that was not a pretty sight.
  8. Arnhem 55th Anniversary celebrations - whilst landing at Deelan Airfield to get rid of the airlanders, all the jumpers went for a pre-jump nervous p*ss. Firstly, not a drama exept the engines were still running and, like sheep, we all lined up after the next bloke not initially realising that the prop wash was blowing our p*ss at a rapid rate of knots further down the line thus spraying each other and the rest of the blokes in a fine mist of p*ss! Nice! Secondly, one of the blokes went for a dump but, being in a hurry, didn't take off his main chute or PLP (Parachutist Life Preserver) and ended up unwittingly pooing all down the inside flap of the latter. None the wiser, wiped and polished, he did himself back up and we all got back on board. At this point on the hot and cramped Herc (those with the BBC know about all that) a very strong smell was apparent and there was a lot of sniffing the air, especially by those senior ranks who'd pushed in at the front of the stick! Anyway, jump's a good one and we were due to be bussed off for a parade. He who pooed himself was now aware it might be him and was sat with the only spare seat on the bus next to him. The spare seat was pointed out to the wife of a member of the Headshed and she took it only to minutes later get up and walk off the bus in disgust much to the merriment of the rest of us! Positively identified as having pooed himself, Poo Poo Monster as he was quickly named, availed himself of the pond at Oosterbeek Church and was frantically splashing his parts in the water there prior to us marching into town. How we laughed, how he stunk and how we never let forget about it!

    Note to The Duke - you know who this creature is!
  9. Don't steal fruit from German orchards - at least don't do it on day twelve of compo only dietary routine. A couple of plums whilst getting orders from the CO and BANG. Just like that, without a second's warning or presagement of any kind! In one sense it was inconvenient to be in full NBC kit but in many ways (thank-you charcoal!) it was useful too.

  10. Hope you carried out the appropriate defecation drills

    :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
  11. ALWAYS carry a pocket knife! I managed to decontaminate myself and nobody spotted my befoulment so excellent alright. I believe I wrote in my diary...ah yes here we are..."Crapped self at O Gp. Bugger. Cleaned self in spirit of discretion Excellent. All round a "good thing"."
  12. spike7451

    spike7451 RIP

    Whilst on a Small Arms SA80 courseat RAF Cosford near Wolverhampton,the was a lad,Ted W from Portadown who was attatched as a Armourer on a RAF Regiment Squadron.
    He used to go running every day &,after a heavy night in the NAAFI & a curry,if my memory is right, he was about a couple of miles out & farted & followed thru! As he was on the Guiness in the bar,when he finally arived back at block,the mess & smell was,well,bad!!
  13. Had to babysit a mate who shat himself on the seafront at weymouth (he was quite far gone, pulled down his pants while hanging from a railing... though not far enough), could we find a taxi? could we f**k!!

    Was funny when he eventually ran off into the night with no shoes, no socks, no shirt and just a pair of smelly trousers covered in his own filth after someone tried to get him into a taxi!
    That said he did turn up 2 hours later at the taxi rank being towed along by a fat bird asking "Does this belong to anyone?"
    The driver that eventually got our fare may have had no sense of smell as his only comment as he put some dog blankets on the back seat was.. "Been swimming lad have we?" Cue us smoking and winding all the windows down all the way back to the tented camp.

    Next morning on the way to scoff the bloke in question was wrapped up in soiled sheets outside his block, just as the Badge walked round the corner!! Laugh? I almost shat myself!! :)
  14. and since when was shitting yourself good? i have never shat myself since i was potty trained. but ecretly i always carry a nappy for the morning after the night before
  15. Don't you mean excremently?

    I haven't shat myself since I was about 14. I was a bit under the weather (earlier that day I was out shopping for school clothes with Mum in Lancaster, created a wonderful street painting entitled 'Vomit, by poorly Pielover') Anyhoo, I was crashed out on the couch feeling sorry for myself. Farted and followed through, it was the consistency of a tin of stag chilli and looked no better. It smelt like an opened grave and I nearly chundered again as I waddled up the stairs trying to stop the flood from cascading out of the legs of my PJ's. Managed to clean myself up in the shower (turd encrusted keks thrown in a bag ready for the bin) and left the bathroom to see my dog at the bottom of the stairs licking up the trail of shite that I left on the way up. nice!

    My little sister works with mongs and gave me a man-size incontinence pad/nappy. I haven't used it yet as I was going to wear it for the next squadron function but I am tempted to try it out. Now that will be strange, actively trying to shat your pants when you're sober...Hmmmmm