In the dog house

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by supermatelot, Jun 14, 2009.

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  1. Last night I got a little confused on the way back from the pub. I forgot where I lived and spent the night sleeping on a bog in some shitters. Upon daylight I realised where I was and managed to make my way home (06:30).
    My missus finds this totally unacceptable behavior. I cant see what her problem is. I think my skills od deduction served me well and I should be commended for my self-leadership.

    Am I a twat or should my missus be told?
  2. Just remind her who wear the trousers in the house a bit of a slap to put her back in the box should sort her out. I've been in the same position as yourself mate going home on leave in 92 I got blotto drinking on the train and had to change at Birmingham international. Was so pissed I can remember trapping off with a bird then passing out missing the last train to Glasgow Central so had to spend the night sleeping in a cubical until the first train up the road in the morning. However my night of luxury sleep was disturbed by plod asking after my welfare.....inconsiderate cunt.
  3. Did you wake up with your eyes glued shut with tramp muck?
  4. That was version 1 of the story.

    My suggestions are as follows.

    Version 2:You got p!ssed,pulled some minger and then went back to her place where you spent the night shaggin,waking at 0620 hours this morning and rushing home,in blind panic the toilet excuse was the best you rustle up in 10 minutes. :wink:

    Version 3:You did spend the night in the public toilets.....with a bloke and not only won't tell your missus but wont admit it on Arrse :oops:

    How long have you lived at said house? :?:
  5. Lived here 7 months. Must admit - my recollections are shady.
  6. That's almost a cough,go on,tell us what you really did.

    Is your bum sore? :oops:

    Do you have a salty taste in your mouth? :oops:

    Stains down the front of your shirt? :oops:

    Feeling a bit buggered? :roll:
  7. You made the primal mistake, you went home. When you'd finished cottaging and pulling trains you knew you were in the shit. You should have done a runner for about six months then turned up home with a sun tan and a wild story about the press gang and a Morrocan trawler, the S.S Dirty Abdul".
  8. Just lick her poo ring for an hour, she will soon be back to normal.
  9. It also might jog the memories of of last night for supermatelot
  10. You should always bring half a dozen of your mates home for blue movies and make sure your Doris fetches the beer and makes the sarnies. Also make sure you and your mates give her tips on presentation and weight loss. They don't always show it but they are always grateful when you tell them the truth about their figure, especially when your mates are around.
  11. Just do what I do-get sh*tfaced at home.

    Remember that you will be wrong in any given situation, simply by virtue of a) having a penis b) being married to her, so you might as well derive as much comfort and convenience as possible.

    Points will be earned by contributory behaviour, such as-

    Inviting your most degenerate mates over for sick porn and sicker anecdotes

    Ordering chili pizzas/incendiary Indian and vomiting it into the grand piano that was a wedding present from her late, much-loved grandma (you know, the one who was implacably opposed to the marriage)

    Telling her that you've always fancied her sister/grandma/whoever, whilst skidmarking the living room wall (as I have done)

    That kind of thing, just use your imagination. Let us know how you get on.
  12. You really need to have an impartial thrird party discuss this with her.

    PM me with your plans the next time you were planning on going out drinking and also your address and phone number. I will take the opportunity to discuss this with her.

    (When you send the PM please attach a piccie of her. Just so I will recognize her you understand)
  13. How fecking posh are you?
  14. You don't have a grand piano to hurl in?!?!?!

    How common are you?!?! :D
  15. :oops: