In the beginning was the word, and the word was God.

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by tiny_lewis, Mar 5, 2012.

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  1. In the beginning was God, and all else was darkness and void, and without form. So God created the heavens and the Earth. He created the sun, and the moon, and the stars, so that light might pierce the darkness. The Earth, God divided between the land and the sea, and these he filled with many assorted creatures.

    And the dark, salty, slimy creatures that inhabited the murky depths of the oceans, God called sailors. And He dressed them accordingly. They had little trousers that looked like bells at the bottom. And their shirts had cute little flaps on them to hide the hickeys on their necks. He also gave them long sideburns and shabby looking beards. God nicknamed them "tars" and banished them to a lifetime at sea, so that normal folks would not have to associate with them. To further identify these unloved creatures, He called them "petty" and "commodore" instead of titles worthy of red-blooded men.

    And the flaky creatures of the land, God called soldiers. And with a twinkle in His eye, and a sense of humor that only He could have, God made their trousers too short and their berets too large. He also made their pockets oversized, so that they may warm their hands. And to adorn their uniforms, God gave them badges in quantities that only a pick 'n mix shop owner could appreciate. And He gave them emblems and crests... and all sorts of shiny things that glittered...and devices that dangled. (When you are God you tend to get carried away.)

    On the 6th day, He thought about creating some air creatures for which he designed a postmans uniform but in a fetching shade of sky-blue especially for Air Force flyboys. But He discarded the idea during the first week, and it was not until years later that some apostles resurrected this theme and established what we now know as "crab-air"

    And on the 7th day, as you know, God rested.

    But on the 8th day, at 07:30hrs, God looked down upon the earth and was not happy. No, God was not happy! So He thought about His labours, and in His divine wisdom God created a divine creature. And this he called Sapper. And these Sappers, who God had created in His own image, were to be of the air, and of the land, and of the sea. And these He gave many wonderful uniforms. Some were green; some were blue with red trim. And in the early days, some were even a beautiful tan. He gave them practical fighting uniforms, so that they could wage war against the forces of Satan and evil. He gave them service uniforms for their daily work and training. And He gave them dress uniforms... sharp and stylish, handsome things... so that they might promenade with their ladies on Saturday night and impress the hell out of everybody! He even gave them jack-knives, so that people who were not impressed could be dealt with accordingly. And at the end of the 8th day, God looked down upon the earth and saw that it was good. But was God happy? No! God was still not happy! Because in the course of His labours, He had forgotten one thing: He did not have a Sapper uniform for himself. He thought about it, and thought about it, and finally God satisfied Himself in knowing that, well... not everybody can be a Sapper!


    (apropos 'Skin')
     
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  2. I had a chicken and mushroom Ginsters for lunch
     
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  3. Tiny Lewis had a liquid lunch comprising 17 litres of nail polish remover and a cupfull of sperm.
     
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  4. How does God wear his beret and can he afford PAYD food?
     
  5. Auld-Yin

    Auld-Yin LE Reviewer Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    Thank God!
     
  6. It was a cold, cold night in Northern Ireland. Our brave hero, incapacitated by a graze from a bullet, makes his peace with his maker.

    Somehow he survives. He now prowls the internet dispensing justice, truth and tales of PTSD in threads that bear no relevance to anything he's going on about.

    If you spot our brave hero, let me know.
     
  7. So was TROPPER a Wedgie...that explains a lot then.
     
  8. No... he was a cunt.
     
  9. Ravers

    Ravers LE Reviewer Book Reviewer

  10. Some people drink from the 'Fountain of Knowledge.'

    He gargled.
     
  11. In the beginning was the word, and the word was legs! Spread the word! (some tarts legs not legs off here) :)
     
  12. Try Cardiff
     
  13. Just to go off on a total tangent the first line should read

    [TABLE]
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    [TD="class: btext, colspan: 2"][TABLE]
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    [TD="class: orange2, width: 99%"][/TD]
    [/TR]
    [/TABLE]
    "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God"

    Which must mean that the word was a seperate entity to God as it was with God.

    So this begs the question "WTF was it"?[/TD]
    [/TR]
    [/TABLE]
    [/TD]
    [/TR]
    [/TABLE]
    [TABLE="width: 100%"]


    [TR]


    [TD]
    [TABLE="width: 100%"]


    [TR]

    [TD="class: btext, colspan: 2"]
    [TABLE="width: 100%"]


    [TR]

    [TD="class: orange2, width: 99%"][/TD]
    [/TR]
    [/TABLE]
    [/TD]
    [/TR]
    [/TABLE]
    [/TD]
    [/TR]
    [/TABLE]
     
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  14. Lol! Cheers mate - you KNOW I am not him! Git. :)