Improving Brew Fitness

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by BarcelonaAnalPark, Apr 4, 2017.

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  1. I've recently got myself into a 'brew round' with some real advanced brew drinkers. These people are drinking coffee and tea non-stop all day and there's a sort of 'man test' that if you're offered a brew, you have to accept.

    I've got to admit, I'm struggling to drink all these brews and it's not going to be long before I get outed. This situation is neither desirable or sustainable.

    Before I pile in and start coming out with excuses about worrying about diabetes or p1ssing too much, has anyone got any decent advice how I can improve my brew fitness or change my brew tactics?

    This isn't about me not wanting to make brews for other people btw.
     
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  2. Man up and neck it.
     
  3. Poison them until their kidneys pack in .
     
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  4. ditch the sugar and don't hydrate apart from brews.

    Make sure you start a rumour that making brews for others has been shown to be a bit closet "something" (don't specify the something, let their own prejudices flow).

    Insist on filtered water, as it makes the tea better

    Then insist on non-filtered water as "kidney stones are for winners"

    Basically, subtly act like every mental bird you have ever known
     
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  5. Avoid coffee for a start. It's a nasty degenerate habit. With the tea, just get it down :)
     
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  6. LancePrivateJones

    LancePrivateJones LE Book Reviewer

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  7. Surely a man test would be to tell them to fuck off.
     
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  8. Quite so. Foul, uncivilised stuff.
     
  9. Simple fix.
    1) Ask is the tea/coffee organic, fairtrade and ethically sourced.
    2) Say you now only drink herbal teas anyway, which must pass your now strict policies (see 1)
    3)Grow a beard, and start to wear odd coloured skinny chinos, with pointy shoes or something like that and a flouncy shirt
    4) Express your growing disdain for the capitalist economy.
    5) Mention some outrage every two minutes over the slightest of things.

    This will ensure that you will never be offered a drink again and stop everyone talking to you.
     
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  10. Wait for it to go luke warm, open gullet and throw it down your neck.
    Wait for as long as possible for a piss to train your bladder and your cock muscles to strengthen up.
    You'll soon be pissing only twice or thrice a day.
     
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  11. Buy your workmates 1 pint mugs.
    Fill the bottom 3 inches of your 1 pint mug with concrete, (or something, I haven't given this a great deal of deep thought).
    Watch as your mates struggle to keep up with you.

    Alternatively, tell them you have developed a serious biscuit dunking habit, then fashion pieces of sponge into the shape of your favourite biscuit. Dispose of the evidence surreptitiously.
    Or conduct a series of tests to determine the most absorbent biscuit and procure an office Labrador.
     
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  12. Have to say, that's deffo a winning strategy. Past colleague used to complicate the brew rounds by requiring a decaff teabag from her own stash, slimmer's milk, one sweetener and half a sugar, and top-up with cold water. Everything really apart from "stir it to the left". She was eventually left alone to make as and when she wanted as no one could be arrsed with all the faff.
     
    Last edited: Apr 4, 2017
  13. Options
    A - Tell them to fuck off.
    B - Stick you finger up your hoop before you make your round and then dip into each of theirs. It won't help you but it will be a laugh.
    C - Lace theirs with laxative or two drops of mercury has the same effect. Again, be a laugh.
    D - Tip brew into a concealed receptacle, surreptitiously of course.
    E - Use the Roman Vomitorium method.
     
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  14. Some good advice there. @RZer0 I only need to fulfil #1 from your list and I'm there but there is no change in the brew momentum. It's f ucking mental.
     
  15. Tell them to fuck off.