Imaginative home security...

#21
On the slim chance that you do manage to shoot them in the eye then you have just published your intent to do so, and therefore the prosecutions case is proven against your claim of self defence
******** you think the CPS are going to trawl arrse to disprove his self defence claim and the anonymous poster sonar bender is the BB gun bandit?
 
#22
A number of large half chewed dog toys scattered around the area should do the trick.
 
#23
A number of large half chewed dog toys scattered around the area should do the trick.
I 'accidentally' left part of a trauma manikin in the front garden at the old house

it was more effective than any sign we've put up at keeping people away trying to sell religion etc. It also put off the 'gold dealers' who were rife in the area wanting us to 'go and check' to see if we had any medals, watches or jewelry.

when Mrs Phantom realised it was there I had to put it away, remove the fake blood stain from the lawn and hey presto, a wave of JW's appeared like some (ironic) biblical plague
 
#24
I have a German forest walking stick, the ones with the long steel spike screwed into the base. the spike is hidden by a rubber pommel, bought from the disabled shop, so when out and about it looks kosher, but when needed , can be detached simply by jamming it under the toe of my shoe, and pulling the stick upwards, and hey presto, a two inch sharpened to a point, steel spike.
 
#25
A friend had an attempted burglary a couple of weeks ago. The scroat remembered urgent business elsewhere when a small ball of fur and teeth came after him.
 
#26
Twelve inch long, 2 inch dia strong rubber hose. Bolt through each end. Before the last bolt goes in get a bloke to swage two 12 inch lengths of steel cable together at one end and put a lead swage on the two loose ends. Drop the swaged single end down the hose and stick the bolt through between them so they won't come right out but can be flicked out like an asp with a bit of wrist action.

You'll end up with a 20 inch baton with two whippy steel cables tipped with lead, that can be slid back together to make a 13 inch tube that goes in a drawer next to your bed.
 

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LE
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#27
a wave of JW's appeared like some (ironic) biblical plague
Off thread.

When we first moved up here we had quite a steady stream of them for about the first 6 months.

I was bored one day and decided to engage them in conversation.

I told them we were Jewish and they seemed to make a fairly hasty exit after that.

They’ve never been back.

I reckon there is a map in Jehova HQ and my house has a massive red Star of David on it with “Jesus Murderer” written underneath.
 
#28
Off thread.

When we first moved up here we had quite a steady stream of them for about the first 6 months.

I was bored one day and decided to engage them in conversation.

I told them we were Jewish and they seemed to make a fairly hasty exit after that.

They’ve never been back.

I reckon there is a map in Jehova HQ and my house has a massive red Star of David on it with “Jesus Murderer” written underneath.

That and dropping the portcullis on one of their feet made an impression.
 
#29
Off thread.

When we first moved up here we had quite a steady stream of them for about the first 6 months.

I was bored one day and decided to engage them in conversation.

I told them we were Jewish and they seemed to make a fairly hasty exit after that.

They’ve never been back.

I reckon there is a map in Jehova HQ and my house has a massive red Star of David on it with “Jesus Murderer” written underneath.
When asked 'have you let Jesus into your life?' I find that responding with 'Have you let Odin into yours?' is very effective. For some reason they find it offensive that I would ask them a question about religion on my property when they came to me uninvited and unwanted.
some people are very strange.
 
#30
Twelve inch long, 2 inch dia strong rubber hose. Bolt through each end. Before the last bolt goes in get a bloke to swage two 12 inch lengths of steel cable together at one end and put a lead swage on the two loose ends. Drop the swaged single end down the hose and stick the bolt through between them so they won't come right out but can be flicked out like an asp with a bit of wrist action.

You'll end up with a 20 inch baton with two whippy steel cables tipped with lead, that can be slid back together to make a 13 inch tube that goes in a drawer next to your bed.
I'm liking that, but it shows premeditation, which is what needs to be avoided.... ;)
 
#31
******** you think the CPS are going to trawl arrse to disprove his self defence claim and the anonymous poster sonar bender is the BB gun bandit?
Also, my local Plod do not have English as a first language! And as stated, they are more 'sympathetic' to the home owner than the baddie.
 
#32
To be honest I have a nice extendable baton by the back door, 2' length of cam pole half filled with lead and heatshrinked by the front. A lovely "Blade" sword sharpened up upstairs.
Never mind all the improv stuff like marble rolling pin, cast iron pans and stuff.
The laws of armed conflict inside my house are different. In so much as its not the getting in you need to worry about, it's the getting out!!!!
I had a laugh about ten years ago when I suspected some dealers had moved in down the street. i offered plod to come round and put a cam in my landing window.
I was running a landscaping company at the time and had not long come in. On kitchen table were scythes, sickle, machetes and a chainsaw. All being cleaned and oiled.
Plod just chuckled and said "looks like you have the matter well in hand!" :-D:-D:-D
 

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LE
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#33
Touch wood, home burglaries in my area are very few and far between. We get a lot of thefts of farm equipment, but they tend to stay out of the houses.

I suppose it’s fuckloads easier and more lucrative to steal a quad bike and some tools from a shed.

Also farms / big country houses nearly always equals shotgun owners which nearly always equals alarms and obviously the chance of eating 12 bore.
 
#35
******** you think the CPS are going to trawl arrse to disprove his self defence claim and the anonymous poster sonar bender is the BB gun bandit?
Maybe maybe not
But it seems pretty standard for individuals to scrawl over the internet with their premeditated plans

There seemed to be plenty willing to inform on Tony Martin having told everyone down the pub that he would shoot a burglar
 
#36
Maybe maybe not
But it seems pretty standard for individuals to scrawl over the internet with their premeditated plans

There seemed to be plenty willing to inform on Tony Martin having told everyone down the pub that he would shoot a burglar
people "down the pub" knew who he was and of course, what he'd been involved in. Now you may not know this, but, the internet is somewhat different.

What I need here is some kind of video or meme to demonstrate it.

 
#37
To be honest I have a nice extendable baton by the back door, 2' length of cam pole half filled with lead and heatshrinked by the front. A lovely "Blade" sword sharpened up upstairs.
Never mind all the improv stuff like marble rolling pin, cast iron pans and stuff.
The laws of armed conflict inside my house are different. In so much as its not the getting in you need to worry about, it's the getting out!!!!

I had a laugh about ten years ago when I suspected some dealers had moved in down the street. i offered plod to come round and put a cam in my landing window.
I was running a landscaping company at the time and had not long come in. On kitchen table were scythes, sickle, machetes and a chainsaw. All being cleaned and oiled.
Plod just chuckled and said "looks like you have the matter well in hand!" :-D:-D:-D
Agree with this.
B*ll*cks to all this 'getting imaginative' stuff.
If I had a fire extinguisher to hand I would use it as a mallet. If I had a squeezy plastic jif lemon then it's going straight down the back of the f*cker's throat.
I believe I am prepared, and not a lot of imagination was required.
 
#38
#39
Maybe maybe not
But it seems pretty standard for individuals to scrawl over the internet with their premeditated plans

There seemed to be plenty willing to inform on Tony Martin having told everyone down the pub that he would shoot a burglar

Borderline case of stupid Cuñtitus.
 
#40
Just looking round this room after reading this thread I can see 2 first world war bayonets, SMLE and turkish Mauser and an 1831 pattern broadsword. All 3 being family heirlooms of great sentimental importance (honestly officer) . A Slovakian Valaska walking stick axe combination which is a souvenir of my time working in that part of the world and a couple of cricket bats. All of which could probably spoil someone's day .
 

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