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#1
got sent this. probably been done to death, but oh well.

Image Of Rank


General- Leaps over tall buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water, gives policy to God.

Colonel- Leaps short buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water if the sea is calm, and talks to God.

Lt Col- Leaps short buildings with a running start and a favourable wind, is almost as powerful as a switch engine, is faster than a BB pellet, walks on ponds and talks to God if he can get the request approved.

Major- Barely clears a shed, loses tug of war with locomotives, can fire a speeding bullet, swims well, and is occasionally addressed by God

Captain- Makes high marks when trying to leap short sheds, is run over by locomotives, can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self injury, can doggy paddle, and talks to animals.

Lieutenant- Runs into buildings, recognises locomotives 2/3 times, is not issued ammunition, can stay afloat if properly instructed, and talks to bushes and small trees.

Second Lieutenant- Falls over doorsills when trying to enter buildings, says "look a choo-choo", wets himself when given a water pistol, and mumbles to himself from time to time.

Warrant Officer- Lifts buildings out of the way, kicks locomotives off the track, catches speeding bullets with his teeth and chews ’em up, freezes water with a single glance, HE IS GOD.

NCO- Hides behind buildings whenever work needs doing, misses last train home, uses water only as chaser, uses Gods name when he sees one of the above.

Trooper- Views buildings as something you stand outside whilst being shouted at, can get from A to B if verbally encouraged, uses water to wash with if shouted at enough, and is one of Gods more irritating mistakes.
 
#2
It has - I remember it from at least 20 years ago...... but good effort Mach
 
#4
A variation i've seen on this (in a Spike Milligan book!) lists pretty much the same for all the Officers, starting at the Subbie and working up to the general, but at the top of the pile it puts RSM! It's a good laugh.

Editted to point out that what i was thinking of was exactly what is here, but remove the bottom two and call the WO an RSM.
 
#5
The Army installed a computer. As a demonstration, an officer fed in the question. "How far is it from the barracks to the coast?"

"Seven hundred," replied the computer.

The officer fed in another question. "Seven hundred what?"

The computer printed out the answer. Seven hundred, sir!"
 
#8
This is on a plaque in 3Bn Sgts mess.
Still good though.
 
#9
army-hopeful said:
A variation i've seen on this (in a Spike Milligan book!) lists pretty much the same for all the Officers, starting at the Subbie and working up to the general, but at the top of the pile it puts RSM! It's a good laugh.
They're a good series of books, those ones. I liked the one with his driving test:

"Quick! Stop! There's a child in the road!" Said [NCO].

"No there isn't", I said, driving on".

:D :D :D
 
#11
Twizzlelehope said:
The Army installed a computer. As a demonstration, an officer fed in the question. "How far is it from the barracks to the coast?"

"Seven hundred," replied the computer.

The officer fed in another question. "Seven hundred what?"

The computer printed out the answer. Seven hundred, sir!"
I laughed so hard a bit of wee came out
 
#12
army-hopeful said:
Glad someone else here's enjoyed Milligans memoirs. Hilariously written, and really a very good read.
Read the parts where he's in Italy at the same time as reading "Monte Cassino - hollow Victory" by John Ellis.

2 descriptions of the same battle, from entirely different viewpoints. Gives the Ellis book (which is excellent, BTW) a whole new meaning. Esp since you can pin down in it the part of the battle where Milligna got caught by mortar fire and "lost it".
 
#13
Glesga_short_bloke said:
Twizzlelehope said:
The Army installed a computer. As a demonstration, an officer fed in the question. "How far is it from the barracks to the coast?"

"Seven hundred," replied the computer.

The officer fed in another question. "Seven hundred what?"

The computer printed out the answer. Seven hundred, sir!"
I laughed so hard a bit of wee came out
Glesga, go see the doc - that's worrying..........
 

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