I'm sure I can do it cheaper..

theoriginalphantom

MIA
Book Reviewer
IIRC Robbie Williams was intending to do some sort of subterranean work on his gaff until Jimmy Page threatened to sue him to kingdom come. It's alleged that Robbie Williams didn't know who Jimmy Page was.

Dunno what happened in the end, it seems to have gone quiet.


 

theoriginalphantom

MIA
Book Reviewer

Joshua Slocum

LE
Book Reviewer
Remember to submit your coursework by the end of this week or I won't be able to sign you off for accreditation. Immediate feed back is that you've shown a keen and obviously natural talent for this trade and so farr, I'd be happy to have you on my team.

Keep up the good work!
The important thing
Nobody saw it
Apart from the head of IT
The head of Telecoms
And the chairman
None of whom took pictures on their phones, or pissed themselves laughing
Not one bit
I did redeem myself by re locating a socket from a damp wall, and finding that the earth wire had corroded away
Which is possibly why they were getting so much noise on the servers
Luckily I had a box of replacement sockets handy
And a tray of cakes
 
The important thing
Nobody saw it
Apart from the head of IT
The head of Telecoms
And the chairman
None of whom took pictures on their phones, or pissed themselves laughing
Not one bit
I did redeem myself by re locating a socket from a damp wall, and finding that the earth wire had corroded away
Which is possibly why they were getting so much noise on the servers
Luckily I had a box of replacement sockets handy
And a tray of cakes

Good drills mate
 
The penny dropped for one of our clients. As a testing consultancy, we made our money from testing core samples - the hole was just a means to an end and we finished our day by filling the holes that we made. Long, often wide, always very precisely drilled.

So when he wanted a load of holes drilled for ducts, instead of calling in the diamond drillers who charged on the basis of barrel wear plus time taken (and were often imprecise due to haste), he called us in to conduct a sampling and testing exercise. The nice man said that we didn't need to fill the holes, he would arrange that so we could maximise the number of samples taken. Bonus! Filling vertical holes, especially from below, can be a right pain.

First thing the next morning, he phones to cancel all the tests - we can dispose of the samples, they're not needed.

So we deduct the cost of testing and the materials that would have been used to fill the holes and are left with a financial loss. He, on the other hand, is rather jubilant. He's got all his holes drilled exactly where he wants them at a fraction of the price that a diamond drilling company would have charged.
That is why he is now living on a yacht in Monaco and you and I are on here, so many customers like that in my time when I was doing it full time. The funny thing is it is usually when you are at home and half way through your tea when the inevitable "Fcuk!!!! " what's up love "Nothing darling, just going for a drive" realising you have been done over again.
I was asked to do some perimeter fencing down in North Ascot, I knew the guy had a few quid so upped the price a bit from my usual N Lincolnshire rates, thinking I had struck gold. To me I had! That was until he went to the shop and I spotted two other quotes on kitchen table, I had undercut the cheapest by nearly 4 1/2 K !!!
 
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That is why he is now living on a yacht in Monaco and you and I are on here, so many customers like that in my time when I was doing it full time. The funny thing is it is usually when you are at home and half way through your tea when the inevitable "Fcuk!!!! " what's up love "Nothing darling, just going for a drive" realising you have been done over again.
I was asked to do some perimeter fencing down in North Ascot, I knew the guy had a few quid so upped the price a bit from my usual N Lincolnshire rates, thinking I had struck gold. To me I had! That was until he went to the shop and I spotted two other quotes on kitchen table, I had undercut the cheapest by nearly 4 1/2 K !!!
Still did a good job and as I was stopping down there two weekends and he was paying for digs so a rather large quantity of beer and rum were consumed.... and yes the fence was still straight and level, laser levels are great when you are in no state to trust string lines and normal levels.

Edited to add due to my ex Royal Anglian labourer mate being a fanny on the ale (Paul H I will name and shame you!) the post mix was a bit of a hybrid, Was 1 cement, 3 sand, 3 gravel with a special 2 measures of sick thrown in, I can only think he thought it may act as a hardener?
 
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I remember a Mad Magazine suggestion that we update the Olympics to reflect modern society - who throws a discus as a war weapon anymore?

One of the ideas was to introduce DIY. The winner was the first one to complete the task (eg, fix the leaking sink) whilst keeping the cost within a budget of 3 times what it would have cost to have a professional do it in the first place.
 
I remember a Mad Magazine suggestion that we update the Olympics to reflect modern society - who throws a discus as a war weapon anymore?

One of the ideas was to introduce DIY. The winner was the first one to complete the task (eg, fix the leaking sink) whilst keeping the cost within a budget of 3 times what it would have cost to have a professional do it in the first place.
I feel a gold medal is comming my way.
 

PFGEN

GCM
I wasn't sure where to put this as I'm sure thtere is a definite stink of sulphur but I've been getting the feeling that the contents of my house are either possessed or I'm living own one of @MrBane 's do-er uppers.

This tale begins some three months ago. Things went south when both the fridge/freezer and the coffee machine both went on the fritz. No big deal I hear you say, 1st world problem, just get up of yer backside and organize replacements. Those were my original thoughts; a stupid assumption to make. A quick call round the purveyors of things fridge quickly informed me of the fact that there are currently serious supply chain issues at the moment. Never mind I decided to deal with the coffee machine thing first, that should be easy enough.

The coffee machine plan was simple, walk into the local Mediamarkt and buy a replacement for the machine that has given me more than 10 years excellent service, in and out in 10 minutes. That wasn’t going to happen. As soon as I entered, the sales puppy started shagging my leg. “Has sir considered freshly ground coffee for a full bodied experience?” Sweet mother the prices would make your eyes bleed. The overexcited Labrador is waving his hands at machines that cost between €2000 and €4000. Seriously, for a brew!!?? Somebody’s having a laugh. For that price it would have to come with effeminate, man-bun, barista, coffee technician bollocks who isn’t sure what its gender is. Sir decided the freshly ground coffee could foxtrot oscar, and if this was how it was going to be it was going to be back to a kettle and jar of Nescafe. After I ripped him a new one we went onto the Nespresso machines. I operated the closure arm on the machine I was being encouraged to consider….it broke off in my hand. Moving quickly along the next machine had a milk processor (note: processor, not a jug or can). Looked like a lot of faffing around. I asked if it was easy to clean, oh yes, just take the top off and pop it in the dish washer. That was a comment our enthusiastic salesman immediately regreted. I removed the top and half the insides leapt out. Another pile of debris next to the machine. Long story short I found one with one button for coffee and another for power and it looked reasonably solid. It also makes a decent brew.

Buying a fridge these days is no longer a simple experience. Firstly the supply chain issues means that there is roughly a 3 month lead time regardless of manufacturer or type chosen. Out of desperation I tried to get hold of a small tabletop model, not a chance. Next thing was the bloke in the white goods store trying to convince me that I needed one with a wifi link. Why in the name of all that’s holy would I need a fridge with a feckin wifi link? In hindsight a daft question really: A fridge with a wifi link will allow me to pre book my groceries into the fridge while I’m doing the shopping in the supermarket. I’m pretty well up on tech but this is just people having a laugh at the consumers expense. Up to now I’ve managed without having to obtain a boarding pass for a pack of bacon. Maybe all these years myself and my parents have been doing it all wrong. Via a friend in the building trade I ordered one though his connections. They told him they would deliver in week 46. Thought I could live with that. Christmas, no fridge, new delivery date week 4 next year….if I’m lucky. I’ve started to get used to living out of tins and have given up on fridges.

Of course not having a fridge means that I need to buy any fresh food closer to the expected consumption date. I tried to go to the supermarket three days before Christmas. Bad feckin mistake. The supermarkets are the only shops open at the moment so the sheeple had mobbed then. Day out for the whole family. At the two main ones in the city the rozzers have been directing traffic and there was at least a 30 min wait just getting to the entrance to the parking spaces. They were so crowded you could walk over people’s heads. I don’t want some fancy furrin frummige badly enough to risk getting the lurgi. All I can say is I hope they all take themselves out in a Darwinian cull. Cnuts the lot of them. Christmas dinner was a tin of soup, Fray Bentos and a can of peaches. I was tempted to dig a trench in the rain in the garden and go and sit in it just top round of the experience.

Next project has been the switching out of the crap internet modem from the national provider for one which would allow me to improve the network security and configure the network. Other than that it’s from ZTE (Chinese) and given their reputation I don’t need the associated risks. I decided to do the job properly. Cables are now hidden away in cable ducts or the in the wall. As the router and wifi was being changed a lot of stuff has to be registered with the new network. Still it’s almost all done and victory was in sight right up to the point when it came to switch my Sonos music system over to the new network. It decided it needed an upgrade and without missing a heartbeat informed me that it had it all in hand and if I waited a few minutes the world of music would soon be at my fingertips. No chance to say eh, not now. Upgrade clearly failed. A day trying to kick life back into the bwastard main unit I was so frustrated I hoyed it across the room. A mate said to me, now you know how they make these exploded view drawings. I think I’ve managed to reassemble the bits. If it fails to work I'm probably just going to attack it with a hammer. It won't make it work but I might get some satisfaction from the experience. Bollocks! More tech designed to fail. As somebody who has spent a good chunk of his life in serious high tech I’m starting to see the advantages of becoming a luddite.

What’s next, oh yeah, just to fcuk me off at Christmas, with no chance of a repair until the new year, I managed to break one of my tooth caps and now look like Billy Bob or Cletus. More tinned food until the dentist decides that it’s safe to return to work.

And breath.
 

surfincivi

Old-Salt
I seem to have accumulated various and sundry charges over the years . I have two carrier bags full of them stashed away somewhere, but can I find the one for my mini Rhobi screwdriver, which was my faveroute tool once upon a time?? , can I ell as like !!
Why would you want to dem your Rhobi? Or have I spent too much time with AT’s.
 
I wasn't sure where to put this as I'm sure thtere is a definite stink of sulphur but I've been getting the feeling that the contents of my house are either possessed or I'm living own one of @MrBane 's do-er uppers.

This tale begins some three months ago. Things went south when both the fridge/freezer and the coffee machine both went on the fritz. No big deal I hear you say, 1st world problem, just get up of yer backside and organize replacements. Those were my original thoughts; a stupid assumption to make. A quick call round the purveyors of things fridge quickly informed me of the fact that there are currently serious supply chain issues at the moment. Never mind I decided to deal with the coffee machine thing first, that should be easy enough.

The coffee machine plan was simple, walk into the local Mediamarkt and buy a replacement for the machine that has given me more than 10 years excellent service, in and out in 10 minutes. That wasn’t going to happen. As soon as I entered, the sales puppy started shagging my leg. “Has sir considered freshly ground coffee for a full bodied experience?” Sweet mother the prices would make your eyes bleed. The overexcited Labrador is waving his hands at machines that cost between €2000 and €4000. Seriously, for a brew!!?? Somebody’s having a laugh. For that price it would have to come with effeminate, man-bun, barista, coffee technician bollocks who isn’t sure what its gender is. Sir decided the freshly ground coffee could foxtrot oscar, and if this was how it was going to be it was going to be back to a kettle and jar of Nescafe. After I ripped him a new one we went onto the Nespresso machines. I operated the closure arm on the machine I was being encouraged to consider….it broke off in my hand. Moving quickly along the next machine had a milk processor (note: processor, not a jug or can). Looked like a lot of faffing around. I asked if it was easy to clean, oh yes, just take the top off and pop it in the dish washer. That was a comment our enthusiastic salesman immediately regreted. I removed the top and half the insides leapt out. Another pile of debris next to the machine. Long story short I found one with one button for coffee and another for power and it looked reasonably solid. It also makes a decent brew.

Buying a fridge these days is no longer a simple experience. Firstly the supply chain issues means that there is roughly a 3 month lead time regardless of manufacturer or type chosen. Out of desperation I tried to get hold of a small tabletop model, not a chance. Next thing was the bloke in the white goods store trying to convince me that I needed one with a wifi link. Why in the name of all that’s holy would I need a fridge with a feckin wifi link? In hindsight a daft question really: A fridge with a wifi link will allow me to pre book my groceries into the fridge while I’m doing the shopping in the supermarket. I’m pretty well up on tech but this is just people having a laugh at the consumers expense. Up to now I’ve managed without having to obtain a boarding pass for a pack of bacon. Maybe all these years myself and my parents have been doing it all wrong. Via a friend in the building trade I ordered one though his connections. They told him they would deliver in week 46. Thought I could live with that. Christmas, no fridge, new delivery date week 4 next year….if I’m lucky. I’ve started to get used to living out of tins and have given up on fridges.

Of course not having a fridge means that I need to buy any fresh food closer to the expected consumption date. I tried to go to the supermarket three days before Christmas. Bad feckin mistake. The supermarkets are the only shops open at the moment so the sheeple had mobbed then. Day out for the whole family. At the two main ones in the city the rozzers have been directing traffic and there was at least a 30 min wait just getting to the entrance to the parking spaces. They were so crowded you could walk over people’s heads. I don’t want some fancy furrin frummige badly enough to risk getting the lurgi. All I can say is I hope they all take themselves out in a Darwinian cull. Cnuts the lot of them. Christmas dinner was a tin of soup, Fray Bentos and a can of peaches. I was tempted to dig a trench in the rain in the garden and go and sit in it just top round of the experience.

Next project has been the switching out of the crap internet modem from the national provider for one which would allow me to improve the network security and configure the network. Other than that it’s from ZTE (Chinese) and given their reputation I don’t need the associated risks. I decided to do the job properly. Cables are now hidden away in cable ducts or the in the wall. As the router and wifi was being changed a lot of stuff has to be registered with the new network. Still it’s almost all done and victory was in sight right up to the point when it came to switch my Sonos music system over to the new network. It decided it needed an upgrade and without missing a heartbeat informed me that it had it all in hand and if I waited a few minutes the world of music would soon be at my fingertips. No chance to say eh, not now. Upgrade clearly failed. A day trying to kick life back into the bwastard main unit I was so frustrated I hoyed it across the room. A mate said to me, now you know how they make these exploded view drawings. I think I’ve managed to reassemble the bits. If it fails to work I'm probably just going to attack it with a hammer. It won't make it work but I might get some satisfaction from the experience. Bollocks! More tech designed to fail. As somebody who has spent a good chunk of his life in serious high tech I’m starting to see the advantages of becoming a luddite.

What’s next, oh yeah, just to fcuk me off at Christmas, with no chance of a repair until the new year, I managed to break one of my tooth caps and now look like Billy Bob or Cletus. More tinned food until the dentist decides that it’s safe to return to work.

And breath.

Just on the purchasing white goods issue. A useful little hack for everyone.

If you happen to shop around and get the best price on Jeff’s online emporium (named after a South American river) - then It turns out they are bound by the recycling regulations.



Ordered new microwave, unboxed it, put my old knackered one back in the box the new one came in, stick a label on it and some poor bastard had to come out and lug it away for me, all done free of charge.

Saved me an hour wasted driving to and queuing up outside the tip to be quizzed by the pikey rubbish police.
 
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Ritch

LE
Moderator
there are companies that repair damaged worktops
try to keep a spare section if possible, but they can usually let a section in and match it
I had a damaged marble worktop repaired by a company that do on site repairs
top quality job

I do think that they might turn the job down... you know, with them being a few hundred miles away from @MrBane ;)
 
with chilly, but damp weather , she's been unable to hang the washing , and the very old tumblr dryer is now only tumbling at half heat on the hot switch
"Beagle , we need a new dryer, the condenser one I want is £229 do I order it", ............"oh go ahead , mother of my chiildren, after all it does owe us nothing " (16 years old , well used )
she can't get one delivered for 3 weeks , which is a real bummer as we f off to Portugal in 2 weeks
sitting on the interwebnetthingy I happened to have a look at Youtube and found repairs to hotpoint condenser tumble dryer repairs

and ...................... a new heater element with the thermostats fitted(which was the fault) 6 screws from the top and one side panel to get to the plug 6 more screws to get the back panel off with the heater attached and 2 screws on that , new heater fitted tested and reassembleed

total cost £15.99 from ebay

money saved went on two new front tyres for the car, but hey ho ....mustn't grumble
 
I wasn't sure where to put this as I'm sure thtere is a definite stink of sulphur but I've been getting the feeling that the contents of my house are either possessed or I'm living own one of @MrBane 's do-er uppers.

This tale begins some three months ago. Things went south when both the fridge/freezer and the coffee machine both went on the fritz. No big deal I hear you say, 1st world problem, just get up of yer backside and organize replacements. Those were my original thoughts; a stupid assumption to make. A quick call round the purveyors of things fridge quickly informed me of the fact that there are currently serious supply chain issues at the moment. Never mind I decided to deal with the coffee machine thing first, that should be easy enough.

The coffee machine plan was simple, walk into the local Mediamarkt and buy a replacement for the machine that has given me more than 10 years excellent service, in and out in 10 minutes. That wasn’t going to happen. As soon as I entered, the sales puppy started shagging my leg. “Has sir considered freshly ground coffee for a full bodied experience?” Sweet mother the prices would make your eyes bleed. The overexcited Labrador is waving his hands at machines that cost between €2000 and €4000. Seriously, for a brew!!?? Somebody’s having a laugh. For that price it would have to come with effeminate, man-bun, barista, coffee technician bollocks who isn’t sure what its gender is. Sir decided the freshly ground coffee could foxtrot oscar, and if this was how it was going to be it was going to be back to a kettle and jar of Nescafe. After I ripped him a new one we went onto the Nespresso machines. I operated the closure arm on the machine I was being encouraged to consider….it broke off in my hand. Moving quickly along the next machine had a milk processor (note: processor, not a jug or can). Looked like a lot of faffing around. I asked if it was easy to clean, oh yes, just take the top off and pop it in the dish washer. That was a comment our enthusiastic salesman immediately regreted. I removed the top and half the insides leapt out. Another pile of debris next to the machine. Long story short I found one with one button for coffee and another for power and it looked reasonably solid. It also makes a decent brew.

Buying a fridge these days is no longer a simple experience. Firstly the supply chain issues means that there is roughly a 3 month lead time regardless of manufacturer or type chosen. Out of desperation I tried to get hold of a small tabletop model, not a chance. Next thing was the bloke in the white goods store trying to convince me that I needed one with a wifi link. Why in the name of all that’s holy would I need a fridge with a feckin wifi link? In hindsight a daft question really: A fridge with a wifi link will allow me to pre book my groceries into the fridge while I’m doing the shopping in the supermarket. I’m pretty well up on tech but this is just people having a laugh at the consumers expense. Up to now I’ve managed without having to obtain a boarding pass for a pack of bacon. Maybe all these years myself and my parents have been doing it all wrong. Via a friend in the building trade I ordered one though his connections. They told him they would deliver in week 46. Thought I could live with that. Christmas, no fridge, new delivery date week 4 next year….if I’m lucky. I’ve started to get used to living out of tins and have given up on fridges.

Of course not having a fridge means that I need to buy any fresh food closer to the expected consumption date. I tried to go to the supermarket three days before Christmas. Bad feckin mistake. The supermarkets are the only shops open at the moment so the sheeple had mobbed then. Day out for the whole family. At the two main ones in the city the rozzers have been directing traffic and there was at least a 30 min wait just getting to the entrance to the parking spaces. They were so crowded you could walk over people’s heads. I don’t want some fancy furrin frummige badly enough to risk getting the lurgi. All I can say is I hope they all take themselves out in a Darwinian cull. Cnuts the lot of them. Christmas dinner was a tin of soup, Fray Bentos and a can of peaches. I was tempted to dig a trench in the rain in the garden and go and sit in it just top round of the experience.

Next project has been the switching out of the crap internet modem from the national provider for one which would allow me to improve the network security and configure the network. Other than that it’s from ZTE (Chinese) and given their reputation I don’t need the associated risks. I decided to do the job properly. Cables are now hidden away in cable ducts or the in the wall. As the router and wifi was being changed a lot of stuff has to be registered with the new network. Still it’s almost all done and victory was in sight right up to the point when it came to switch my Sonos music system over to the new network. It decided it needed an upgrade and without missing a heartbeat informed me that it had it all in hand and if I waited a few minutes the world of music would soon be at my fingertips. No chance to say eh, not now. Upgrade clearly failed. A day trying to kick life back into the bwastard main unit I was so frustrated I hoyed it across the room. A mate said to me, now you know how they make these exploded view drawings. I think I’ve managed to reassemble the bits. If it fails to work I'm probably just going to attack it with a hammer. It won't make it work but I might get some satisfaction from the experience. Bollocks! More tech designed to fail. As somebody who has spent a good chunk of his life in serious high tech I’m starting to see the advantages of becoming a luddite.

What’s next, oh yeah, just to fcuk me off at Christmas, with no chance of a repair until the new year, I managed to break one of my tooth caps and now look like Billy Bob or Cletus. More tinned food until the dentist decides that it’s safe to return to work.

And breath.
I truly feel your pain! I'm a semi-Luddite. Our house is as free as possible from the Devil's WiFi 'enabled' crap. SWMBO bought herself a massive Sonos thing, but spends as long farting around trying to get it to spit out music as she does listening to it. I'm too busy to help, though I find if she switches it on it usually works.

Alexis, Siri and her mates can do one as well in our house, even the TV gets disconnected from t' web when not being used for casting. As you say, WiFi enabled fridges, ovens etc - WTF? And the prices of them! An elderly friend has just been persuaded to upgrade her oven to a north of £800 all singing and dancing WiFi one. She then waited several weeks (with no oven) as the fitter didn't do what it said on his box.

Bring on the first EMP. I can use a map. ;)
 

Joshua Slocum

LE
Book Reviewer
Eldest daughter has moved to a new/very very old house in the wicked city
Son in law, a nice chap but a bit of a Rupert in waiting installed all new lamps that talk to the iron chicken in the sky
Its a big spooky house with odd noises and ghosts



Daughter sitting working on her own (the grandchildren have go on strike and stayed here)
The lights start to flicker and turn off in a ghostly manner
Is beelzebub arising from the cellar?
Nope the internet has failed as a train just passed the house, and the sparks from the pickup upset the iron chicken
9 bloody quid each for silly lamps that save you getting of your arse to operate a switch
 
........ lamps that talk to the iron chicken in the sky........
Quite brilliant! I may borrow that!


On a related note, a friend's wife was home alone in bed, in their big house in the countryside when she heard voices... in the house. Cr4pping herself, she got up only to find Alexis up to something.
 
9 bloody quid each for silly lamps that save you getting of your arse to operate a switch

That's what I thought until, on a whim and OOIC, bought a couple and installed one in the bedroom. Bloody Brilliant(!).

I leave the light switch on all the time and just turn it on and off by the ever-present Ms Alexa. I usually run it 100% Bright White, but when the arms of Morpheus should be calling me, I set it to 5% Red (to minimize that sleep-depriving blue light) and that actually helps. All I then do is whisper "Alexa, turn the light off" when I'm ready to sleep, and that's that. Previously, the act of reaching out to turn the bedside light off usually woke me up again. Ms Alexa also kindly turns the light on in the morning at a preset time.

Most of the time, elder lad and I use Alexa as a glorified cooking timer, and that's certainly helped as we're both somewhat organizationally challenged. It's also useful for adding things to the shopping list. Plus the sound quality on my Alexa Echo Show is better than that of my laptops, so I Bluetooth it in as an external speaker.

I installed a front-door camerabell to allay Mrs Excog's security concerns following some local incidents. That's a bit of a curate's egg. Useful when it connects instantly - we can just glance at our phones (and/or Alexa Echo Show in my case) and see whether we need to get up or let whoever it stuff some paper through the letterbox. If I'm busy in my lair, I can also use the microphone/speaker to let the postie/whoever know that I'll be with them in a minute.

However, the wifi link isn't always reliable enough to connect the camera in real-time, leaving us to rely on the stored video to determine who was there.
 

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