Im sorry .. what was that ??

#1
My sister is a right Snob .. an Audi driving posh chavette who looks down her nose at everyone who doesnt have a house as big as hers. As I drink Beer, fart, and generally consider a one night stand as commitment I am obviously a bit of a disappointment. To amuse myself I have started trying to get my extremely naive nephew to say the worst things at the most opportune times. This has provided me with many a chuckle at her expense but the little sod is starting to wise up now.

Last month I told him that double index finger pointing at his Dad and winking while saying "Mong" in the manner of a grandfather clock striking the hour is a compliment to his extremely witty jokes and will be appreciated. Apparently he pulled this trick over Christmas dinner when his Dad cracked a joke .. my old man nearly choked on a sprout and he only recently got out of his room.

I got him to tell his mum that he likes Girls Aloud music videos. I convinced him to ask his mum for the one called "Five Girls and One Cup" .. the dozy bint googled for it .. That was a fun phone call.

I have just got back from seeing her and my brainwashing has succeeded better than I had hoped. He now shouts "Gwaaaaarrrrrr" at every ginger person he sees, refers to his mums gay neighbour as "the man who likes Fudge" and has almost perfected the art of saying "Bullsh1t" as a sneeze. I have told him this should be done when his mum finishes talking when her friends are round.

I am running out of ideas though that are bad enough to try but safe enough to get away with.

Any Ideas ??
 
#3
Give him a big fcuk off knife, and teach him to shriek "lick the blade - lick it" to his mum's fittest friendnext time she pops round, whilst masturbating in front of her and brandishing the knife threateningly.

Always worked for me.
 

stet

War Hero
#6
next time she is arranging a night out with her friends get him to say very loudly that that night was supposed to be their super secret night where she and daddy touch him in places that make him all happy inside
 
#8
I feel the next phrase to learn should be along the lines of "Mummy, when are you going to let me play with Maddy again, is she still locked in the attic?" Obviously said when neighbours/friends/police/local priest are within earshot.
 

Biped

LE
Book Reviewer
#10
FCUKING BRILLIANT! Good drills, keep up the good work. I'm sorry I can't suggest anything better, but I'm still trying to see the keyboard throught the tears.
 

B_AND_T

MIA
Book Reviewer
#11
As your nephew is 22, don't you think it's a bit childish.

Get him to tell his teachers that "Daddy gets into my bed at night and we play games" Oh the look of joy on your sisters face.
 
#12
B_AND_T said:
As your nephew is 22, don't you think it's a bit childish.

Get him to tell his teachers that "Daddy gets into my bed at night and we play games" Oh the look of joy on your sisters face.
Not everyone was still in year 4 (or 10, whatever it is now?), like you were, at the age of 22

I know you're special, mum says so an' all that, but not everyone's retarded ;)
 

B_AND_T

MIA
Book Reviewer
#13
Picky Tw@t!
 
#14
Convince him that when there are 2 or more of 'mummys' female friends in the room that it is polite to ask " Can anyone smell fish in here ?"
 

Bowmore_Assassin

MIA
Moderator
Book Reviewer
#15
What about that using a Fast Show classic line in front of mummy's friends, "I'm sorry, I've just come..." or stating Jesse's top tip, "This week, I have mostly been eating...(pause, 2, 3) ...TW*T (in a very loud voice)."
 
#16
how about some homemade profanity.. some made up swearing whenever he's not getting his own way shouting something completely innocent but to the untrained ear sounds obscene like

FUGGER ..[n] an annoying person who is a cross between a Bu66er and a fcuker



..some research of Roger mellies Profanisaurus may be in order..
 
#17
hmmm...have nephew rub fibreglass insulation on the guest towels and when mummy's guests start itching ask them if it's scabies or lice they have.

Each and every time mummy refers to herself in some way, have nephew roll his eyes and mutter, "there's another tenner needed for my therapy fund".

Have nephew ask mummy what maiesiophilia is and would she still love him if he had it.

Have nephew draw pictures of very black, evil mummy for school art class. The school psychologist will have a field day with that. Have him mention that ritualistic satanic sacrifice is what they celebrate instead of xmas.
 
#18
JRHartley said:
how about some homemade profanity.. some made up swearing whenever he's not getting his own way shouting something completely innocent but to the untrained ear sounds obscene like

FUGGER ..[n] an annoying person who is a cross between a Bu66er and a fcuker



..some research of Roger mellies Profanisaurus may be in order..
Reminds me of Billy Connolly when he did something similar saying the letters G. T. F. Y. phonetically followed by 'BASA', very loudly.
It comes out as "Get To Fcuk You B4st4rd!"
Apparently it's not really swearing... :)
 

terroratthepicnic

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
#19
Get him to ask Mummy (when mummy's friends are around) if Winston will be coming around again when Daddy has gone to work, as winston hasn't managed to find he yet as he and mummy are always looking for him Mummy and Daddy's bedroom.
 
#20
Persuading him that asking mummy's blonde friends "Do your collar and cuffs match?" is a very polite way of commenting on their obviously expensive hairdos.
 

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