Im sorry .. what was that ??

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Funbags, Jan 8, 2008.

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  1. My sister is a right Snob .. an Audi driving posh chavette who looks down her nose at everyone who doesnt have a house as big as hers. As I drink Beer, fart, and generally consider a one night stand as commitment I am obviously a bit of a disappointment. To amuse myself I have started trying to get my extremely naive nephew to say the worst things at the most opportune times. This has provided me with many a chuckle at her expense but the little sod is starting to wise up now.

    Last month I told him that double index finger pointing at his Dad and winking while saying "Mong" in the manner of a grandfather clock striking the hour is a compliment to his extremely witty jokes and will be appreciated. Apparently he pulled this trick over Christmas dinner when his Dad cracked a joke .. my old man nearly choked on a sprout and he only recently got out of his room.

    I got him to tell his mum that he likes Girls Aloud music videos. I convinced him to ask his mum for the one called "Five Girls and One Cup" .. the dozy bint googled for it .. That was a fun phone call.

    I have just got back from seeing her and my brainwashing has succeeded better than I had hoped. He now shouts "Gwaaaaarrrrrr" at every ginger person he sees, refers to his mums gay neighbour as "the man who likes Fudge" and has almost perfected the art of saying "Bullsh1t" as a sneeze. I have told him this should be done when his mum finishes talking when her friends are round.

    I am running out of ideas though that are bad enough to try but safe enough to get away with.

    Any Ideas ??
     
  2. Start to teach him some decent insults and the ways off piss taking.
     
  3. Give him a big fcuk off knife, and teach him to shriek "lick the blade - lick it" to his mum's fittest friendnext time she pops round, whilst masturbating in front of her and brandishing the knife threateningly.

    Always worked for me.
     
  4. Maybe he could start to skiff her friends whilst licking the dogs hoop.
     
  5. Has the little one learnt the phase 'nice chebs' yet?

    You know it makes sense!
     
  6. next time she is arranging a night out with her friends get him to say very loudly that that night was supposed to be their super secret night where she and daddy touch him in places that make him all happy inside
     
  7. Get him to ask her female mates if they want a shag
     
  8. I feel the next phrase to learn should be along the lines of "Mummy, when are you going to let me play with Maddy again, is she still locked in the attic?" Obviously said when neighbours/friends/police/local priest are within earshot.
     
  9. Get him to ask her friends if they spit or swallow
     
  10. Biped

    Biped LE Book Reviewer

    FCUKING BRILLIANT! Good drills, keep up the good work. I'm sorry I can't suggest anything better, but I'm still trying to see the keyboard throught the tears.
     
  11. B_AND_T

    B_AND_T LE Book Reviewer

    As your nephew is 22, don't you think it's a bit childish.

    Get him to tell his teachers that "Daddy gets into my bed at night and we play games" Oh the look of joy on your sisters face.
     
  12. Not everyone was still in year 4 (or 10, whatever it is now?), like you were, at the age of 22

    I know you're special, mum says so an' all that, but not everyone's retarded ;)
     
  13. B_AND_T

    B_AND_T LE Book Reviewer

    Picky Tw@t!
     
  14. Convince him that when there are 2 or more of 'mummys' female friends in the room that it is polite to ask " Can anyone smell fish in here ?"
     
  15. Bowmore_Assassin

    Bowmore_Assassin LE Moderator Book Reviewer

    What about that using a Fast Show classic line in front of mummy's friends, "I'm sorry, I've just come..." or stating Jesse's top tip, "This week, I have mostly been eating...(pause, 2, 3) ...TW*T (in a very loud voice)."