I'm a Squaddie Get me out of here

Now that would be worth watching.

"Hello, we're Ant and Dec and welcome to 'I'm a Squaddie get me out of here.' Big trouble in the camp today. Fusilier Jones did the bush tucker challenge but only returned with three meals. In a show of support, the rest of the lads got round, called him a puff and strung him up in his dossbag from the nearest tree. Of the 24 hours of footage we recorded today, we are only screening 11 minutes, as the remaining 23hrs 49mins consisted of men trying to thrap quietly in sleeping bags. Skiffing remains a major problem. Corporal Smith has refused to change his undercrackers, despite continued pleading from the production team. The pets given to the competitors have not been seen since day 5. In yesterdays bush tucker trial, Lcpl Harris and Sig Herbert had to take turns eating various insects. 9 meals were secured in 15 seconds and the camera crew had to pull the men apart as they fought over the last 3 Witchetty grubs. Ssgt Hargreaves started the competition wielding authority in a verbally aggressive fashion. He showed up on the morning of Day 3 with two shiners and has moderated his behaviour since"
Only female contestant, Pte Smith has had to be advised to limit her movements around camp as everytime she passes a camera all pictures are lost due to her extremely wide arrse obscuring view.

Other contestants view of Smith has also changed.

Comments such as 'wouldn't touch her with yours' have now changed to ' she's quite cuddly really, great sense of humour'.

Some wish to continue with military training in camp with references to getting Smith to perform drill, ie, 'I want to drill her'

Also appears to be strange obsession with basketball within camp. Contestants continually referring to 'doing the hoop?'
the organisers of the competition were shocked to find a van owned by a man called wolfgang in the campsite when they arrived , with a fabloned map of the jungle , selling bratty's hanchen burgers , and something called "yellow handbags" the contestants looked delighted , but not surprised to see him.
Also concerned about motorhome seen in area displaying the sign - Layby Sheilas
LCpl Harris and Sig Herbert have taken on a cullenery challenge of their own, along with Pte Smith to have a "spitroast" before sunset. The other contestants have expressed and interest tojoin in, while SSgt Hargreaves, who is from the RLC, has suggested that if the JNCO's wish to see promotion they had better "smoke his pork sausage" or he'll see to it they get a "Deepcut Discharge" with their gats at the next public vote. Neither JNCO wished to take on the challenege, and instead sold their stories to The Sun (aka the Squaddies Favourite Newspaper because they once showed a bird in cack-DPM with her norks out under the banner "Support our boys").
The first eviction took place, though not as expected through viewer voting. In fact, a letter arrived in a brown envelope from the Ministry of Defence and LCpl Harris departed shortly afterwards. He went home, as Anne Robinson would say 'with nothing'.

With 6 soldiers left in the camp the producers suddenly announced that, for reasons of efficiency, two contestants would be asked to leave, as it was felt that the programme could be made perfectly well with four. No announcement has yet been made as to who will go, but Cpl Smith (1 PARA) is the only one who seems confident that he will be staying. ITV, whose accounts department have recently called for savings to be made on programme-making, denied any responsibility for the change, saying it was entirely a decision for the production team, though those in the jungle claim that it will be difficult to manage as they are also responsible for 'Give My Head Peace' on Ulster TV, and may soon be making a documentary in Sudan.

The programme's director, who was criticised during the last series when supplies of insect repellent, bought at the last minute, were inadequate, claimed to have been 'left out of the loop'.
High drama in the camp today as 2Lt Johnny Harrison-Winklers arrived, two days late, bedraggeled, almost collapsed from exhaustion, and suffering from severe heat illness. When asked about his absence he replied that he
had misread the joining instructions which specified that the event would be run in the 'ulu', and had spent the last two days locked in a portable toilet.

When he eventually emerged, he sat in the passenger seat of his Landie for a further two days hitting the dash randomly before he realised that there was no-one about to drive him to the camp.
Having arrived, and with an eye on his next OJAR, he has already begun advertising a jungle trekking course, and is pressing hard for dinner on Wednesday to be in at least blazer and tie...
One of the female contestants is harbouring a dark secret
flt lt. emily "big dave" forrester used to be a man!!!!!!!!!

"she" was nearly rumbled last night when sapper morrison , whilst rifling through her kit for freebies came across a neatly pressed pair of farahs , and some grey plastic slip on shoes , "she" explained these away by saying they were issued to everyone in the RAF regardless of sex.
After viewers complained of blank screens for a long period on Thursday, apparently due to a missing generator, normal service was restored. The producers later announced that 1 KINGS will not be asked to take part again.

Efforts to involve the Royal Navy in the show ended when the canoe bringing two matelots upriver to the jungle mysteriously ran aground. It is feared that a replacement canoe may take too long to arrive, as it has yet to be built - in France.

A vicious rumour circulated yesterday that an RAF contestant was a transexual was disproved when Ant & Dec discovered that the aircrew had in fact never left their hotel.

There was a further drama when a young female researcher disappeared in the jungle. Cpl Jones (1 RGJ) was apparently the last person to see her when he went for a 'shovel recce', but said he could throw no light on what happened to her.

The next series, which was to have been shown early in 1995, will now not be on our screens until 2011 at the earliest, the company who won the contract to make it, British Aerospace (TV) Ltd., announced today. However, fans will be looking forward to the show, which is said to be 'big budget'. Unfortunately some may be disappointed, as it will only be possible to view the programme on special tv sets, manufactured by BAE (Electronics) Ltd.
Female members of the production crew have therefore been asked not to take their mopeds into the jungle.
Capt Nicker, the QM was heard to tell Ant & Dec that more essentially needed kit for the boys would be turning up shortly. News reports of 100 bergens being sold at Catterick Market and the proceeds being diverted to Mrs Nicker's bank account are said to be grossly exaggerated and are currently being investigated by the SIB. All black bin-liners are currently missing and gash is being stored in the contestant's socks.

Sgt Gripe has spent most of the day in the Bush Telegraph honking about his posting to the Jungle Recruiting Office where he has to try and enlist as many dis-interested and poorly motivated Koala Bears to go to the ATR as he can before his manning control point review and is upset that his promotion to SSgt has been overlooked (again). His constant referral to how he "would have passed selection had it not been for the b*stard DS" has not gone unquestioned by the other contestants seeing as he spent the majority of his career in the RAOC stacking blankets before the creation of the "new Corps" 10 years ago.

Cpl "Walt" of the TA is only in the jungle on Tuesday nights and weekends, and his arrival is eagerly anticipated by the other contestants as they need someone to stag on and make the brews.
Day three and Spr Morrison has struck a deal to franchise Wolfgang's finest chicken schnitzels and frickadella's in the newly opened Engineer Bar. In an interview with Ant and Dec later that evening he managed to get 5 crates free for the cast when they chirpy geordie's tripped every booby trap in the place. Spr Morrison now has 5 LEC's working for him doing laundry and the like, all profits going to the end of tour piss up fund.
shortfuse said:
One of the female contestants is harbouring a dark secret
flt lt. emily "big dave" forrester used to be a man!!!!!!!!!

"she" was nearly rumbled last night when sapper morrison , whilst rifling through her kit for freebies came across a neatly pressed pair of farahs , and some grey plastic slip on shoes , "she" explained these away by saying they were issued to everyone in the RAF regardless of sex.
:D :D :D Nice One S F
Rumours of THEM being in the jungle are denied by the producers. “If they were on the show you would have seen them points out Dec”. This fails to convince Gnr Hicks who points out “If them were here then you would not see them and as we have not seen them they must be here” This undeniable logic so confounds the show producer how are forced to concede that the lack of them may well be the best indication of there participation. Viewers meanwhile keep an eye open for long haired gentlemen with black tape over there eyes.
Blank screens again today as the contestants from 3 Para Mor Pln were involved in what was cryptically decribed as an 'unsavoury incident'. The Paras were brought in to the programme only after complaining that they only ever got to take part in programmes at the beginning, and are then sent home. The producers respnded by saying that despite the paras' agent assurances that they could put on a spectacular show, reviewers revealed that the last time it was performed was 1956, and their current repertoire appeared to consist only of repetitive criticism of other contestants. The critics branded the Paras' performance as 'lacking imagination and original content'.

In the face of this panning by the critics, a spokesman for the Paras said: "How, Pet. Ah'm a fookin' para me ya knaw. Ah fookin' hate civvies, hats, an' the RAF me. Haway the lads, man, Blaydon Races, thoo shalt have a fishy, Ah smerk tabs, etc. etc. etc."


War Hero
The production crew appologised today to Sapper Jones after they failed, after a full week, to obtain a longweight for him.

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