Im a pikey chav, get me out of here! - all chav threads

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by semper, Oct 12, 2004.

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  1. A major Hurricane (Shazza) measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit in the early hours of Sun 10 Oct 04 (BST - ie British Summer Time). Epicentre: Basildon, Essex. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering: "f**ckin' `ell" .

    The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage.
    Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish Costas were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giro arrived.

    Essex FM (County Radio Station) reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon.

    One resident, Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said: 'It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest 2, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm, slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha on TV the next morning.'

    Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as normal.

    The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

    HOW CAN YOU HELP? This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after. Items most needed include: Fila or Burberry baseball caps; Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers); Shell suits (female); White sport socks; Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Primark.

    Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

    Required foodstuffs include: -Microwave meals and Tins of baked beans.
     
  2. In the spirit of the I'm a squaddie get me out of here! thread, heres one to slag off the chavs:

    Day 1 in the IPCGMOH jungle, and Dazzah has already stolen Shivorn's handbag, containing her makeup, giro book & contraception. She's been screaming at him about the makeup & giro book for the last seven hours now, but she doesn't care about the rubbers. The producers would have interviened, but they were all urinating themselves laughing.

    Wayne has broken into the camera crew's food store & stolen all the Superkings which were going to be used for prizes. He would have gotten away with it if his gold "Wayne" necklace had not fallen off as he made his getaway. The producers then retrieved the fags & confiscated all his 56 Burberry baseball caps that he brought with him as his "luxury items".

    Dazzah & Shivorn seem to have totally forgotten the handbag incident, and he is now banging her audibly against the portaloo just out of camerashot. All other chavs are shouting encouragements at him... "Go on! Give 'er one for me!" "You'll get your turn next!" she screams between faked serial orgasms.

    For their challenge to get extra rations, the chavs have to sit quietly with their backs to each other without swearing, stealing, or wearing 'bling'... for a whole 10 minutes. Five minutes into the challenge & Jordash just can't hack it & has put his Argos clown back around his neck, so they won't get any Chavvios for breakfast tomorrow. All the other chavs would have beaten him up, but had been totally emasculated by their lack of bling, and by the time they've realised that it's in their pockets & have put it back on, they've forgotten the incident. They all sit down to an evening of class B and C drugs, which the production team's doctor insisted was brought to stop the chavs going Lord of the Flies on the production crew.

    It's 4am now, and the Chavs retire to their bamboo hut, which has already sprouted graffiti extolling the sexual exploits of Dazza earlier in the day.


    Day 2 in the IPCGMOH jungle, and the graffitti on the lean-to has amazingly been added to. It appears that almost all of the chavs have screwed each other during the night, alledgedly including some of the boys... However, since the production crew heavily sedated the chavs so that they could sleep in peace, this is very unlikely.

    10am, and Shivorn has missed her period. Everyone cheers, especially shivorn, since she now goes to the top of the housing list. She asks the production crew if they can forward her new status to the benefits office in Slough, to ensure that she gets her raised benefits as soon as possible.

    12pm and the production crew have a surprise for the chavs - a new benefit office will be built right there in the IPCGMOH jungle at huge taxpayers expense! From tomorrow, they'll be able to cash their giros right there in the jungle! But, first they have to pass today's challenge, which has been set so rediculously easy that even they can pass it. If they fail, the taxpayer will be saved millions. All they have to do for today's test, is hang around the jungle macdonald's for 30 seconds.

    3pm, and the chavs are _still_ hanging around the maccy dee's brought in for the challenge, although 3 of them have been beaten up by the others, and two more of the girls are pregnant. A shopping trolly has appeared from nowhere.

    7pm and it's starting to get dark. Suddenly, some more chavs from Wrexham appear in a riced up 1985 Vauxhall Nova with drum & bass pouring out of a 1000W subwoofer mounted in the back. How they got here, nobody knows. The soft drugs are flowing, and the chavs settle down to a night of illegal raving in the IPCGMOH jungle.

    Ant: Well, it's been ah shocking first tew days in the IPCGMOH jungle, and Ah'm exhausted from just watching.
    Dec: Yeah, these chavs make us pikey bar stewards look uppa class!
    Ant: There are a few problems though. We were going to have a vote to see who has te go, but the chavs didn't understand the meaning of "election", and just laughed lots cos it sounded like "erection". We couldn't even explain it in words of two syllables and Big Brovah references, so we gave oop.
    Dec: So, we thought of a better plan, and that would be to just let the chavs stay ere for evah, and keep this running until the last surviving chav, so we don't have to go looking for anovah job on the real telly...
     
  3. It must be a piss take 8O

    If not they deserve to be nepalmed (sp) :twisted:
     
  4. Cutaway

    Cutaway LE Reviewer

    Nah, it's a p!ss take.

    No reav chav is able to spell that well !

    :D
     
  5. Blatantly takin the pish.. 8O

    Respeckt! (oh dear...)
     
  6. Superb...... No joining instructions though.

    I really want to know how to flick the swtiches on da bitches.

    Ear me now!

    If it's not a piss take, what a bunch of glue sniffing cnuts!
     
  7. Dirt_Diver

    Dirt_Diver LE Moderator

    your best mates, aren't they? :p
     
  8. Did the guy on the far right come on his bike?

    Can we not start an ARRSE Chav massive? :wink:
     
  9. The 'inishiashun' test is a brammer! I passed!!
     
  10. Defo no real. No bleach white trainers for a start. :wink:
     
  11. You fell for an obvious spoof like that??? 8O
     
  12. A jilted woman today admitted ripping off her ex-lover’s testicle with her bare hands after he refused to have sex with her.

    Amanda Monti, 24, flew into a rage after her ex-boyfriend, 37-year-old Geoffrey Jones, rejected her advances at the end of a drunken house party.

    She yanked off his left testicle, which was later handed to him by a friend with the words: “That’s yours.”

    Monti, of Birkenhead, Merseyside, pleaded guilty to wounding at Liverpool Crown Court today and will be sentenced next month.

    The court heard that Mr Jones had ended his long-term relationship with Monti towards the end of May last year.

    The pair remained on good terms and on May 30, Monti offered to collect Mr Jones from a barbecue and drive him to his home in Netherton, Merseyside. She then drove him to another party and then home again, where friends joined them for more drinks.

    As the drinks party was winding down, Monti told Mr Jones she wanted to discuss their relationship and offered him sex.

    When he refused, she grabbed his face and a struggle ensued.

    Mr Jones threw petite Monti, who is little more than 5ft 2ins tall, out of the house. She then smashed a window and confronted him on the doorstep as he went to investigate.

    Another struggle took place and Monti was knocked to the floor, from where she pulled down Mr Jones’ shorts.

    In a statement read out by judge Charles James, Mr Jones continued: “I was left standing in my underpants. She was still lying on the floor.

    “Suddenly she grabbed my genitals and pulled hard. That caused my underpants to come off and I found I was completely naked and in excruciating pain.”

    Referring to his friend Danny McDonagh, who was sleeping at the house after the party, Mr Jones said: “I believe Danny walked out shortly afterwards. He came into the kitchen and said to me, ’That’s yours’, and I saw that he was holding one of my testicles in his hand.”

    Monti initially tried to hide the testicle by putting it in her mouth, but released it. Doctors were unable to re-attach the organ.

    Defence barrister Wendy Lloyd said her client did not remember much of the incident. However, she accepted the prosecution’s version of events and did not claim to have acted in self-defence.

    Monti, who spoke only to confirm her name and enter a guilty plea, was released on conditional bail for sentence on February 10.

    Anyone seen Dale or BBC recently?
    :lol:
     
  13. I have read and contributed to a few threads here on the above subjects but would like to combine them in a new thread.

    I think I’ve found Chav Central, if not the breeding ground for chavs. Everyone thinks that the “Chav” is the offspring of the Essex Girl and London wide boy but no they breed here in Kent (town name withheld, supplied on request)

    God it was depressing, all I wanted was a couple of beers, so off to the local for a few and possibly a chat with the barperson, mistake No1 I’m giving up smoking and walked into the smog of everyone puffing away. Thinks to myself, “I can deal with this”. Mistake No 2, not a chance of speaking to anyone as I’m being looked at as if I’m from another planet. They are in the classic Chav apparel Baseball caps, gold glittering, mobile phones stuck to their ears, No 3 was the KIDS running around. I entered this hell hole at 20:30 so the kids thing really didn’t faze me, what did was that by the time I left (21:55) those kids were still there and their parents (possibly) didn’t show any signs of leaving to take them home.

    I stayed there out of curiosity and belligerence until bad beer and the smell go the better of me. Now I don’t mind the smoking bit, the dorks in drag or the kids but combine the three, I start to worry about the mental capacity of my fellow man.

    Pub not on xmas list and the beer was p*ss
     
  14. In all seriousness - pubs are NOT the place for kids.

    It's unhealthy for them & bloody annoying to those of us who want a quiet beer & a chat.