Ikea. The Cucking Funts.

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by LBdr_Pigshagger, Feb 16, 2005.

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  1. Ikea and me are old foes. I carry the scars of previous battles both mentally and physically.

    The war dance is always the same - I walk around some distant warehouse where various bits of furniture have been put together in the night by a team of trained engineers with access to all sorts of clever tools and keen assistants. The next morning they're sent away and replaced with mongy spotty teenagers who are given old screwdrivers and told to mince around the displays trying to convince the wandering public that they put them up (and if they can, SURELY the meandering public can - at least get that thought into the poor shoppers wife who's trying to get her husband to buy something so she can shout that at him later when he gives up and goes to the pub).

    I am FORCED to walk around the ENTIRE warehouse even if I know exactly what I want and be convinced that a handy lamp or a bendy mirror is so cheap I'd be an idiot not to buy it before eventually coming across the item the Doris thinks would be 'just the job' (in this case a clothing system).

    That's when the fun starts.

    The warehouse location indicates that several boxes will need to be collected (it won't tell you exactly how many) from various places in the store room field. This is despite the unit being totally useless without just one of the other parts.

    If I manage to travel to the dark north, south, west and east corners of a corrugated covered field which appears not to have been visited by humans for 15 years to retrieve all the parts you can guarantee that at least 75% of the boxes would have been tampered with in some way whilst not making it obvious why: "everything appears still to be here"

    Then you have to do the walk of shame through the tills where you are all but called a w@nker by the till staff for not making sure the bar codes on the 27 boxes are all facing the correct way and fleeced for at least £50 more than you expected.

    You know they've spotted the box you've forgotten but they'll never tell you. They'll just make sure they're removed from stock so there's none there when you go back to get it.

    Reversing the car into a spot that's 10 inches thinner than any saloon in current production you have to try and put the stuff in the boot whilst negotiating a two foot concrete pillar that's on the kerb, each one sponsored by BUPA who pick up 75% of their fracture work through victims of collisions with them is not for the faint hearted.

    Unloading the car on the way home reveals an amazing phenomena and each of the boxed manages to gain 50% in weight and have bits on the side that will ruin the hallway wallpaper for years to come.

    And then you open the box and it gets worse.......

    The instructions tell you stupid stuff in detail "take everything out of the box and put it on the floor carefully" before making massive leaps and statements "attach 1 to 35 using the thing and after 27 is affixed to B with the stuff, make sure 7 is put into 132 before 27 is touched" accompanied with diagrams which are apparently of stick men dancing with what you've bought instead of showing you how it goes together.

    Three parts will break on assembly making the whole thing useless and you'll just make do with whatever you made do with before.

    The mirror fogs up after a day and the lamps got a 10,000 watt bulb in but it's too cheap to bother taking back so you just add it to the other 300 in the garage that you don't remember buying before (you get one every time you nob)

    Needless to say, Ikea and I don't get on.

    Rant over.
  2. scaryspice

    scaryspice LE Moderator

    I like IKEA :oops: :oops:

    But that was bloody hilarious. I can totally sympathise - especially the f***ing concrete bollards!

  3. No wonder there are riots every time they open a store.

    I was nearly responsible for starting one myself, last night.
  4. ikea is a mare , i point blank refuse to go , my nearest one is wembley , and if you go on a sunday it's like "millet day" at a refugee camp , you get herded past the thing you came for , and have to do ANOTHER lap of pain to get back to where you were , as trying to swim against the tide of humanity to get back to "bedding" or wherever is not worth the risk.

    and those hot dogs ..... what the f*ck are they made of ?

    and those stupid c*nting big yellow bags , with the handles designed to make everything you carry bang into the back of your calf .

    last time i was pressed into going i got stuck behind some big fat f*ckers from Nigeria or somewhere , i had a hangover , it was 40+ degrees in the shop , and , shall we say they had a personal hygiene problem
    i.e. they f*cking stank.

    i managed to keep my temper till somewhere between "rugs" and the stairs for the "indoor market" (free for all scrum for tat) when their ugly f*cking kid managed to bang my shin with the shelf he was carrying from their "horsekok" range for the last time .... so i did what any grown man would do and accidentaly (of course) managed to stab him in the back of the head with the curtain pole (with spear end attacjment) that i had picked up for self defence.

    never ever ever ever ever ever again.
  5. Laugh, this sounds better than watching telly. I'm going to go and find a perch with 360 degree views just for a giggle

    :lol: :lol: :lol:
  6. I've had less stressful days in Bosnia. I would like every single one of these places burned to the ground.

    Come MY revolution, anyone that's ever worked for them will be first up against the wall.

    Starting with the oily spotty little chavs that staff f*cking Lakeside....
  7. Well I love the place. Easy parking, quality kit, excellent and cheap restaurants and most importantly, cracking wall to wall posh totty. I jump at the chance to go and buy shelving now...
  8. for you my friend , there is no help.
  9. You mean.....you think....they've turned me?


  10. IKEA is swedish for "doom"
  11. ugly

    ugly LE Moderator

    IKEA is an anagram for aliens have trapped the stooooooopid urbanite brainwashed muppets, ok so the anag part of the telegraph quick crossword was never my strong point but you get where I'm going or not. Saturdays are meant for BBQ ing whats left of last seasons game and bambi burgers from the freezer in summer and in winter going out to stock said freezer accompanied by nice chaps in tweed plus fours and hot snot spaniels. 2i/c is fully trained and will even beast my teenage rug rats out of their fart sacks at dark oclock thats 0500 to those who need to know. Beasting continues through till shoot lunch at 1400 when kids sink silently into car for two hour journey home. On the Sundays I let them do 10 pin bowling til its time for duck flighting at dusk and the little beggars can pick up. All in all having gun dogs gets me out of the DIY frenzy and february still is a month of Roe Doe stalking. Satisfied sigh! March I procrastinate all the DIY jobs unless it is building kennels, whelping boxes or making silhouette targets for practice until the Buck season starts again in April. I am glad I dont exist (live has connurtations of enjoyment) in one of the super urban sprawls that marr this once green and pleasant land. I suppose I can always hack into the LACS website! If only I knew that it didnt involve an axe I'd be 100% more technically advanced. Technology peaked and for me ended with the side by side non ejector boxlock.
  12. FFS, never ever visit Ikea at the weekend. :roll: You are simply asking for schitt.
    As for the Instructions on how to put up your set of shelves, get your kids to do it. Tell them its the new Lego.
    p.s Only mad dogs and englishman go to Ikea at the weekend, bloomin fools :lol:

  13. A new and terrible fate awaits anyone who has the misfortune to need to contact IKEA's supposed Customer Services. A while ago I bought a cupboardy unit thing with an unlikely name. The purchasing experience was not dissimilar to Pigshagger's. Upon attempting to assemble the thing, it gradually dawned upon me that I had two left hand doors rather than one left and one right. Reaching for the flimsy scrap of paper that sufficed for nstructions I found the Customer Services number, and the nightmare began.

    To begin with, it's the usual 'press 1 to be told how important your call is for the next 40 minutes' stuff. Eventually I got through to a girl with a strong West Indian accent, an attitude and an IQ of -40. It took me ages to persuade her that I had not deliberately selected a package with the wrong parts, and that bizarrely I expected IKEA to do something about their c0ck-up. Finally, she agreed that a new door would be provided - but the only stock was in Croydon. So, ho! for Croydon and a repeat of the shuffling masses experience - to discover that they did not in fact have stock of the door, just the whole unit, and wouldn't break open a pack to sort my problem out. The staff helpfully informed me that I would have to speak to Customer Services again. Essentially, after many, many calls to Ms Thicko and her mates, a new door was delivered- the wrong one, naturally. Finally a letter to IKEA's UK MD, and they agreed to deliver a new door again. When the van arrived, they brought a new door - and a complete new unit. The van drivers said that's what they were told to bring, and I may as well keep it. Apparently Customer Services often feck up. They put the thing together, too - and they did have all sorts of power tools and shiny kit.

    Never again.
  14. ugly

    ugly LE Moderator

    Having suffered the early days of Made for idiots the british version of IKEA as in not trendy with the urban yoghurt swallowing Guardian readers I swore off flat pack and my house is slowly converting to hand built wooden furniture from local suppliers. (yes for local people) In the end it does seem to be cheaper and I get something made of real wood as it was cut from the tree not glued together shavings and it will outlast me and maybe my kids and after we move next time probably less likely to self dissassemble!

    Quality isnt cheap but outlasts tat!
    Actually I can imagine calling IKEA in sweden and getting their version of the IQ free minimum wage immigrant. Just funny!
  15. What is "Urban Yoghurt"?

    Is it the same as "Man Yoghurt"?

    Punctuation, old chap, punctuation... :wink: