If you were the PM for a week

As you had never been a member of the Bullingdon club, but had won a week as PM, what would you do to make Britain great again and what laws would you pass for the benefit of the country ?

My suggestions :


Implement a fee for the pissed up people we collect and take care of after a weekends binge drinking session.

If your car breaks down, you have to call a recovery service, however if you get lashed up, which is self inflicted why should the taxpayer foot the bill.

Ambulance callout fee, medical examination, overnight cell if required. Oh and a fine too.

Fail to admit drug smugglers

Saw the dog squad earlier who caught a number of drug smugglers, easier to refuse admission to them and they can spend the rest of their life living in a cell in the airport rather than be admitted, a trial and then prison at the taxpayers expense. They can remain in the cell until they or their family pay for them to fly to another country.


Should have a structured day which is productive. Breaking rocks and a points system gives them rewards.

Usual diet of soup :

1 ton of rocks broken a bread roll
2 ton some chicken in the soup

They should be given a day off which could be beneficial to the other prisoners. This is classed as team building. They get on exercise bikes which produce electricity for any electrical devices their family or friends have purchased for them.

Marriages of convenience

Should you be found to have taken part in a marriage of convenience, then you can fuck off to the country of the bride?groom and live happy ever after.

Fat fuckers
When they book in for flights then there should be a basic weight for an individual & luggage. If you are lithe with a case and get charged £45 but some chubster next to you waddling up with a holdall gets charged nothing then that's not right.

If you are lardy and due an operation, then priority will be given to someone who has at least looked after their body
Just a few ideas

Get rid of cash benefits. Replace them with food stamps a la US. It's easy to regulate utilities so they can't be abused. This should be done.


This includes NHS etc. People are not allowed to use them unless they have either paid NI contributions or they agree to work for their benefits (even if only ~10 hours a week or volunteering for charity or something). Allow exemptions for children.


Keep the NHS nationally owned - if it goes private the budget will never be tamed again. But slash expenditure and stop giving in to people who don't want to wait to be treated. Well you know what? If you want it for fucking free you can put up with the pain for a bit. Exemptions obviously for critical cases.

Sort the welfare budget out. Say to private employers "we'll give you 50% the cash equivalent of benefits if you make up the rest to minimum wage". Regulate rents to stop the ridiculous 'housing benefit' budget from ballooning. Completely abolish all disability allowances except for those who genuinely cannot function without the extra money.

Etc etc.
I'd table the Shit Threads (Imprisonment without Trial) Order.
I wouldn't waste my time with poxy pointless legislation, as I am not a fucking soft twat and fully realise that rule by decree just isn't how our system works!

I would spend my day like all politicians and concentrate on my expenses claims, bribes from lobbyists, free slap-up meals in the palace of Westminster with extensive turps nudging, paid photo opportunities and TV interviews.
Pikeys, Romanies, Gypos, travellers and tinkers rounded up and gassed. In the interests of equality this would also include anyone who buys scrap metal or red diesel from the scum.
Firstly, I'd find a foolproof way to take out that lying cnut Bliar,

Besides the rest of the country's requirements would take more than a week to sort out, sorting out 13 years of Labour's fuck ups etc..
I would have this place closed down,cos people would call me nasty names.Bliar,Broon,cammoron etc.


I'd spend the week making a complete cunt of myself (as usual). I wouldn't bother trying to fix anything in a week, just try to scam as much money or flange as humanly possible.
Reintroduce the death penalty and make it mandatory for the Daily Mail.

Introduce compulsory attendance at polling stations but make exercising franchise conditional on being able to pass a multiple choice test with questions on current affairs and the various manifestos.

Corporal punishment as a sentancing option, including use of the cangue as a substitute for ASBOs.

Restructuring the national economy to support small businesses and the manufacturing sector. Multinationals and financial services will just have to get used to the hind teat until they can prove themselves more reliable partners for the nation.

And, of course, compulsory serving of asparagus and the abolition of slavery.

If it's been sent from my HTC Sensation using Tapatalk then I'm probably pissed.
Make sure I'm a millionaire before I left office.

I'd impose a follicle tax on gingers, they'd be issued with a tax disc to be displayed on their person at all times. Random spotchecks would also be carried out to check for people trying to dodge the tax. Anybody with suspiciously piggy eyes, "moonfaces" and suspect eyebrows will be subjected to a pube check. Normal members of the public would have the right to demand to see a ginger's tax disc to make sure they are in date. Any gingers who are housebound would have to register themselves as "out of the public eye". It would cost £300 for 6 month's ginger duty and £500 for 12 months. Any ginger found to be untaxed or out of date would be rounded up and held at a special ginger holding facility where they would be used for medical research.

I'd also make it a criminal offence to be wilfully welsh in a public place.
The following laws would be implemented.

Anyone who wants to immigrate into the UK would need at least 10,000 pounds in a bank account, be able to speak English, have a job to come to, pass the immigration test and serve 2 years in the military.

Immigrants who commit crimes will be expelled with their families immediately or after serving time in prison.

Illegal immigrants would be expelled immediately.

Refugees sent to the nearest safe country to their country of origin as per International law.

Dole dossers would be made to clean the streets, parks etc.

Public servants (such as firemen etc) would not be allowed to strike.

Prisoners will not have the right to vote, access to tv, phones, radio, computers, good quality food, pay and all the other good things they currently have access to. They would have to work for their living in prison. Failure to work will mean no food etc.

Rioters will be met with brute force.

No more aid money will be given to other countries. If any aid is given it will be in the form of basic tools, tents and food.

and probably a lot more that I could think of.
Bin all NGO's and get civil servants to do the work they should do instead of the paltry quota they currently have to do.

Pass legislation that requires all MPs and prospective parliamentary candidates to have 10 years experience of the labour market, with a ban on time spent being a political flunky counting towards the time. All politicoes who fail to fit the new requirement are removed from office with immediate effect.

Create legislation to force all UK residents, asylum seekers etc. to learn English to a sufficiently high standard to remove the requirement for govt docs to be produced in several dozen languages. One year grace.

National service on the German model - military or community - for all to be completed by age 24.

Protect genuine sickies.

Re-introduce hard labour sentences for work shy bluffing gits.

Raise the standards of education and remove the commercial incentive to make exams easier (or tell the teachers what to teach as appears to be the case now). Educate our children rather than teach them to pass exams. Harsh treatment for delinquent pupils and their parents.

Any immigrant, whether granted asylum, a passport, leave to remain or whatever who is convicted of a crime with a sentence tariff of more than 6 months to be returned to their country of birth, with their extended family instead of being jailed.

All junkies to be treated whilst doing their hard labour sentence.

Prison to be a rehabilitation process. Rights restricted. Luxuries to be earned, just like the real world.

Benefits to supply what is needed. This means Sky etc. does not feature on the list of options except for the genuine sickies.

Banish Blair and his wife.

Follow the Australian model with compulsory voting but put more teeth into the penalties. Chain gangs for offenders.

(Fantasy land idea coming !!) Create and implement a global agreement on limiting pay for bankers and sports persons to something approaching realistic. Similarly, create a limiter on any and all other occupations. I know it sounds slightly Stalinist but it is not meant to.

Finally implement a never ending supply of fine ladies for me to enjoy.

With thanks to previous arrsers for their thought provoking suggestions.
I'd also have all oatmeal ethnics residing in England fallen in three deep and marched double time back to north of the porridge curtain. I'd have them pause to mark time for an hour or so once they reached Carlisle, to allow them time to reflect upon the error of their Caledonian ways.
Alas I fear that would be unnacceptable on a global scale. Jocks get everywhere. I comment as a man born in Glasgow of English parents !!

Latest Threads