If you were in charge

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by bossyboots, May 18, 2009.

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  1. Okay if you were in charge of crime and you could introduce the punishments for committing a crime without all the pantomime of collecting votes etc, how would you punish criminals?
    Personally i would....
    Hang murderers.
    Snap fingers off thieves.
    Lop paedo's todgers off before gouging their eyes out with a rusty spork.
    Over to you lot :D
  2. LancePrivateJones

    LancePrivateJones LE Book Reviewer

    Shoot first, ask questions later.

    Worked for Tony Martin.

    Should be made compulsory.
  3. One one end of the spectrum you have Sharia law (see above), and the other a communist state. Somewhere in the middle is the British Justice system, flawed, broken, but far better than the other two.

    But saying that, beat with bamboo the soles walts' feet for dishonouring men and women who have died in genuine service. 8O
  4. Offer the poor mites councilling
    Try to find the root cause of their unhappiness and try to solve that with extra benefits
    Rehouse offenders in more affluent areas to break the cycle of crime and poverty
    Make the act of self defence illegal to protect the safety of offenders
    Force Police Officers to undergo criminal understanding courses to better emphasise with the harsh realities of criminal life and show understanding and compassion to the poor unfortunates who have come off the rails
  5. old_fat_and_hairy

    old_fat_and_hairy LE Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    Murder; depending on circumstances, and if a mindless one, then garotte.
    Theft and burglary; hand lopped off.
    Sex crime; suitable amputation.
    Fraud in public office; stoning.
    Adultery; a slight telling off and a new list of names of prospective 'partners' to offender.
  6. old_fat_and_hairy

    old_fat_and_hairy LE Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    A little light spanking, perhaps, followed by a 'very personal' interview with me, in closed chambers.
  7. Bring back the stocks instead of Asbos's.
    Suitable things to be thrown at the offenders to be provided.
    Bricks can be used on all occasions.
  8. Anti-social behaviour...a public flogging on a saturday morning.
  9. old_fat_and_hairy

    old_fat_and_hairy LE Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    Oh God, I hope they re-offend!
  10. I would introduce an Institute for Ironic punishment. This palace would be flush and comfortable, criminals would go there for a decade and be given endless amounts of the fruit of their crime.

    For instance thieves would be housed with thugs and given nothing, they would have to survive the next ten years by stealing from the thugs and avoiding the consequences.

    Football hooligans would be housed in wings with their opposing teams and have rights taken away if they weren't constantly lascerating each other with chains and bats. No medical care, just endless amounts of violence.

    Prostitutes whoring in family neighbourhoods would armed and housed with the rapists, the rapists would have to rape the armed prozzies for food/to avoid punishments etc.

    You get the idea. Criminals would soon learn that their crimes are harmful to them too and miss the society that reduced the harm on them through softly soflty, free medicines, counselling etc.

    Any criminal would simply be sentenced to more of their crime, in fact they would know nothind else other than excrutiating chemical pain if they didn't continue their crime in the Institute of Irony. Think Charlie and the Chocolate without the oompa loompas.
  11. Murder = Death Penalty (if DNA evidence is acurate)

    Rape = Life in jail (Life Means at leats 30 years)

    Pedos = A day in a closed cell with the parents of the victim (parents can do whatever they like with no consequence)

    Theft = Forehead branded with a bif fcuk off T (fot thief!)

    General Chavishness / Gang Behaviour = Enforced work for the good of the community they harrased, whilst the members of that community get to lob stuff at them and gererally give them a hard time. Then banished from that community.

    MP Fraud = Arrse rapped by a bear / horse / other well hung creature.

    The American '3 strikes then 25 years' thing seems like a good idea too!
  12. You've all got it wrong.Just say your sorry(try to hide the smirk) and pay back the money you stole.End of story. Of course that could not happen in the real world..............
  13. Before or after giving them a public flogging, snapping their fingers off and branding them with a T? Vvaann? :D
  14. My object all sublime
    I shall achieve in time —
    To let the punishment fit the crime —
    The punishment fit the crime;
    And make each prisoner pent
    Unwillingly represent
    A source of innocent merriment!
    Of innocent merriment!
  15. I'd sterilise chavs iot prevent the next round of sponging scheisters get their sticky mits on my hard earned cash.