If you were gifted a small castle, what would you do with it?

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by TheIronDuke, Jun 1, 2011.

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  1. TheIronDuke

    TheIronDuke LE Book Reviewer

    Yeah, I know. Most of you bastards get asked questions when you snag a bowl of crisps at your 'sisters' wedding, but suspend belief for a moment if you will?

    Imagine some coffin-dodger has done the decent thing and left you a small castle in the arse end of nowhere. It has a roof so you are paying empty building tax. The grounds are a nightmare but nothing a JCB, a few handy lads and some petrol cannot sort...

    and on the subject of petrol? No. You fucking cant. For reasons I am not prepared to go into. The roof must stay intact and I do not wish to see my modest inheritance going the crow road. It would not be polite.

    I'm thinking weddings. Children's parties or maybe corporate events, whatever the fuck they might be.

    It is either PricewaterHOW_FUCKING_MUCH?coopersLyingBastards, or you lot.

    Jesus. Was ever a man more beset?
  2. depends where it is! How about renting out as a set to dodgy Polish porn kings?
  3. What area are we talking about in the arse end of nowhere? How far is it to civilisation? Is there a pub within crawling distance?

    So far, I am going with a sex dungeon type affair.
  4. I'd hold an ARRSE disco-dancing competition. It would have to be held in heats of course a-la Britain's Got Talent. Entry fee would be £100, half of which would go to Hols4Heroes, and the rest towards buying me a pony and some fluffy bunny wabbits.

    And shoes.
  5. Is it possible to inherit something from a coffin-dodger?

    You've faked his death, haven't you. And, as likely, forced him to rewrite his will.
  6. Surely, it's got to be Wales or Scotland, hasn't it.
    We didn't need to build Castles 'coz nobody had got the Balls to attack us, we're so hard, aren't we?
  7. TheIronDuke

    TheIronDuke LE Book Reviewer

    Yeah, it had crossed my mind. If I can get the sludge pump working, the Water Torture Birds In Bondage websites may be interested. But I thought I might reserve that for VIP Invitation Only Weekends?

    But enough about me. Hows the leg? PM me, yah? We should be together.
  8. still a tad stinky, but I'm LOVING the maggot therapy! It tickles my inner thigh!
  9. Watch out, there are Pikeys about, no sorry that should read 'Pakis'
    Take possession quickly or you'll find 137 Families in there, Mucker.
  10. Roy Castle? i would have smoked menthol instead.
  11. AAGF


    It's in Windsor, isn't it? Any residual smell of smoke?
  12. What you can do with it rather depends on how big it is and where it is. Options would be limited with this one:


    Fishing trips in the moat, perhaps?
  13. TheIronDuke

    TheIronDuke LE Book Reviewer

    LOVE the crenelation. Is that breeze block? I hear Pirates of the Caribbean is scouting for locations for v07? Give them a bell?

    Fucks sakes. This is a proper castle. With the potential to mount a proper challenge to the Crown of England. It needs a bit snagging-off. And we could do with some friendly aeroplanes. And the rose garden is a mess. But other than that...
  14. Are you stuck on Age of Empires II? You do realise it's just a game you know! And if it's this one, you do know "New Age Travellers" fucked it right up don't you?

  15. Make sure that on windy days it's firmly tied down to strong stakes because just the other day some kids were hurt when one blew over.

    Also clearly dispay a sign showing the maximum age and or height limit for people using it.

    Invest in a stout cover for it to protect it from rain and UV when not in use.

    There is no need to have music playing all day though, that's just going over the top.

    If you must pack it away, best make sure it's dry first or it will quickly go mouldy.

    A stout crate on a trolly or pallet is generally best for storage.

    I hope this helps, but if you need more info, ask a fairground pikey....
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