If The First World War was a bar fight

#1
If The First World War was a bar Fight...

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit. Serbia points out that it can't afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria's trousers. Russia and Serbia look at Austria. Austria asks Serbia who it's looking at. Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone. Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it to do so. Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that this is sufficiently out of order that Britain should not intervene. Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it? Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action. Britain and France ask Germany whether it's looking at Belgium. Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper. When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone. Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium. France and Britain punch Germany. Austria punches Russia. Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other. Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over. Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it's on Britain's side, but stays there. Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria. Australia punches Turkey, and gets punched back. There are no hard feelings because Britain made Australia do it. France gets thrown through a plate glass window, but gets back up and carries on fighting. Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change. Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway. Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting. America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a barstool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself. By now all the chairs are broken and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany's fault . While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends.
 
#6
Totally unbelievable, since when has France ever thrown a punch?
 
#7
Totally unbelievable, since when has France ever thrown a punch?
Well, they beat us in the Hundred Years War in the end winning the following battles:

Battle of Pontvallain
Battle of La Rochelle
Battle of Baugé
Siege of Orléans
Battle of Patay
Battle of Gerbevoy
Battle of Formigny
Battle of Castillon
 
#8
Well, they beat us in the Hundred Years War in the end winning the following battles:

Battle of Pontvallain
Battle of La Rochelle
Battle of Baugé
Siege of Orléans
Battle of Patay
Battle of Gerbevoy
Battle of Formigny
Battle of Castillon
Whose side are you on, you Francophile?
My history book said we were bored with being in their shitty little country and gave them it back.
 
#10
Well, they beat us in the Hundred Years War in the end winning the following battles:

Battle of Pontvallain
Battle of La Rochelle
Battle of Baugé
Siege of Orléans
Battle of Patay
Battle of Gerbevoy
Battle of Formigny
Battle of Castillon
And would have probably forced us to the negotiating table if Napoleon hadn't been given a shoeing by General Winter.
 
#11
Of course, the next day - or 1939 - Germany is waiting outside with its mates, all tooled up to give France a good kicking.
 
#13
Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg.
That is just ridiculous. It fails to take into account the result of the First and Second Balkan Wars and the subsequent complex political situation in Serbia. Far from the whole country looking to Russia as some kind of 'big brother', the idea of Yugoslavism was already gaining traction, against both a wider conception of pan-Slavism and the age-old dream of a Greater Serbia. Even more significantly, violent nationalism was very much a minority pursuit by 1914, at least in Serbia proper. The Black Hand were shunned even by other nationalists and widely regarded as dangerously immature. There is even evidence that the Serbian ambassador warned the Austro-Hungarian Minister responsible for Bosnia that the life of Archduke Franz Ferdinand would be in real danger during his visit to Sarajevo.
 
#14
Of course, the next day - or 1939 - Germany is waiting outside with its mates, all tooled up to give France a good kicking.
Well Germany sucker punches France with a Blitzkrieg to the head, Italy runs over and give France a quick kick well he's lying on the floor before Britain chases him off, and Japan promptly nicks his wallet (Indo-China).
 
#15
Hardly, as by that time the bulk of influential people in Britain were descendants of the Normans anyway.
Maybe some were descendants of the Norse men but not the Normans. Bar Earl Ralf (the Staller), name one Earl who was a descendant of the Normans just prior to 1066? Most Bishops and clergy were Saxon. Earl Godwine kicked most of the Normans out once he'd returned to England after his banishment by Edward the Confessor. The clergy didn't change that much in the years from his death to the conquest.
 

phil245

LE
Book Reviewer
#17
one reason for the start of ww1 is that Archduke Franz Ferdinand had a phobia of buttons
( Koumpounophobia), This meant that he had to be sewn into his clothes. After he was shot, he was carried into a nearby building, where it was discovered that nobody had a pair of scissors. by the time that scissors has been found, he had bled to death.
 
#18
I'm a true Anglo-Saxon! We did devastate their country, rape their women and plunder everything. Pay back time for the Norman Conquest.
I deplore the devastation and plunder bits
 
#19
That is just ridiculous. It fails to take into account the result of the First and Second Balkan Wars and the subsequent complex political situation in Serbia. Far from the whole country looking to Russia as some kind of 'big brother', the idea of Yugoslavism was already gaining traction, against both a wider conception of pan-Slavism and the age-old dream of a Greater Serbia. Even more significantly, violent nationalism was very much a minority pursuit by 1914, at least in Serbia proper. The Black Hand were shunned even by other nationalists and widely regarded as dangerously immature. There is even evidence that the Serbian ambassador warned the Austro-Hungarian Minister responsible for Bosnia that the life of Archduke Franz Ferdinand would be in real danger during his visit to Sarajevo.
So, what you're saying is that they were all passing the Tia Marias around and having group emo-hugs, rather than downing pints and getting all fighty? I didn't know they had gay bars back then ... I thought it was the golden age of the straight pub.
 
#20
Maybe some were descendants of the Norse men but not the Normans. Bar Earl Ralf (the Staller), name one Earl who was a descendant of the Normans just prior to 1066? Most Bishops and clergy were Saxon. Earl Godwine kicked most of the Normans out once he'd returned to England after his banishment by Edward the Confessor. The clergy didn't change that much in the years from his death to the conquest.
The hundred years war was 1337 - 1453. That is a bit after 1066. All the English had been pretty much chased off to Wales and Cornwall leaving the Norman descendants running what passed for England in those days.
 

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