If the Battle of Trafalgar was fought today: The politically correct Battle of Trafalgar. Lord Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy." Hardy: "Aye, aye sir." Lord Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?" Hardy: "Sorry sir?" Lord Nelson: "England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledygook is this?" Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist." Lord Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco." Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments." Lord Nelson "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle." Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking." Lord Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead." Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a four-knot speed limit in this stretch of water." Lord Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please." Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir." Lord Nelson: "What?" Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They wont let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected." Lord Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy." Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c's'le Admiral." Lord Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd." Hardy: "Health and Safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled." Lord Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card." Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency." Lord Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons." Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and Safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt: haven't you seen the adverts?" Lord Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy." Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral." Lord Nelson: "What? This is mutiny." Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks." Lord Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?" Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not." Lord Nelson: "We're not?" Hardy: "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation." Lord Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil." Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary." Lord Nelson: 'You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King." Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules." Lord Nelson: "Don't tell me: health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?" Hardy: "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And theres a ban on corporal punishment." Lord Nelson: "What about sodomy?" Hardy: "I believe it's to be encouraged, sir." Lord Nelson: "In that case, kiss me, Hardy."