If the Battle of Trafalgar was fought today

Discussion in 'The Intelligence Cell' started by Fred_Cat, Jan 24, 2007.

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  1. If the Battle of Trafalgar was fought today: The politically correct Battle of Trafalgar.

    Lord Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
    Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
    Lord Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer.
    What's the meaning of this?"
    Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
    Lord Nelson: "England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledygook is this?"
    Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
    Lord Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
    Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments."
    Lord Nelson "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
    Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It’s part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
    Lord Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it.
    Full speed ahead."
    Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a four-knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
    Lord Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."
    Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
    Lord Nelson: "What?"
    Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won’t let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
    Lord Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
    Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c's'le Admiral."
    Lord Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
    Hardy: "Health and Safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
    Lord Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card."
    Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
    Lord Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
    Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and Safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt: haven't you seen the adverts?"
    Lord Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
    Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
    Lord Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."
    Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
    Lord Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
    Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
    Lord Nelson: "We're not?"
    Hardy: "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
    Lord Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
    Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary."
    Lord Nelson: 'You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."
    Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.
    Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules."
    Lord Nelson: "Don't tell me: health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
    Hardy: "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there’s a ban on corporal punishment."
    Lord Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
    Hardy: "I believe it's to be encouraged, sir."
    Lord Nelson: "In that case, kiss me, Hardy."
     
  2. Very, very funny. Sadly, there is a ring of truth about it, thanks to the gang of grinning spivs running GB nowadays.
     
  3. I heard a story that one of the female deck gunners in the Navy recently was so short she couldn't operate the weapon. Rather than give her a different job/branch they welded in boxes that she could stand on. I can imagine the rest of the crew tripping over them.

    These equality fascists don't seem to have the intelligence to realise that there isn't time in war for all this fcuking about.
     
  4. How many times has this appeared?!

    Actually, however many times this one DOES appear, it is still rather entertaining!!
     
  5. seen it ages ago, very funny though
     
  6. SEEN IT, LOVE IT! :thumright:
     
  7. I'm not intending to spoil the fun but:

    It's worth bearing in mind the dreadful fate of the sailors who survived that battle.
    With no medical care or jobs or homes they were left to rot on the streets diseased gin sodden beggars.
    It was a scandal at the time and because of it certain measures were taken to begin to look after the serving persons welfare.
     
  8. And 200 years later we should stand proudly as a nation and be glad that we provide health and well-being to our soliders, sailors and crabs, be they fit, serving, injured or retired, whilst marvelling at the progress we've made.

    I say should...
     
  9. Given the parlous state of the RN we'd probably come a gallant second!

    It wouldn't stop MG sending Jack though!!
     
  10. Some bint actually took the Fire Brigade to court claiming that as she was too short to reach certain fittings on a fire engine the Fire Brigade should buy new engines that she could reach. Can't remember the outcome but perhaps she should have looked for a job more in line with her size.
     
  11. Rescued from the second floor by a 'kin midget! It has possibilities.
     
  12. If the Battle of Trafalgar was fought today wouldn't it interfere with the cross channel ferry service?

    Just a thought...now where did I leave it?
     
  13. Cape Trafalgar is off the south west coast of Spain, making this posting as accurate as many of your others.
     
  14. The Ferry could be lost????
     
  15. Good, so my crossing today wont be delayed.
    Thanks Burpa thats all I needed to know.