If Starwars was filmed in Manchester!

Chewbacca would look roughly the same except he'd only be about 5ft tall, from Hatersley and called “Dazza”. He'd have the same amount of body hair but would also have tattoos, would permanently smell of drink and invariably sport a Man City shirt from 4 seasons past and tracksuit pants.

R2D2 would refuse to go out on the streets after 10pm because of the number of drunks who would try to stuff chip papers/kebab wrappers in his head casing or urinate on him. He would also refuse to go near groups of teenagers at any time because of the high risk of being spray painted/dumped in front of a train or set on fire.

Although proficient in over 3500 languages C3PO would still be unable to understand anything anyone from Oldham said. He would regularly get beaten up for being a "Posh and from Cheshire ".

The Millennium Falcon would have go-faster stripes, tinted windows and extra flared exhaust ports. It would sport a free “George Flag” from The Sun newspaper and a bumper sticker stating “My other space ship is a Ferrari”.

Princess Leia would get captured by Darth Vader because it's hard to run very fast when you're wearing 5 inch platform heels and a tiny silver mini-skirt, which keeps hiking up over your backside every two steps whilst suffering from recent C-Section stitches. In addition, she has been a heavy smoker since the age of 6 and became a grandma at 29!

The famous bar scene full of weird drunken monsters looking for a fight, was actually filmed in “Weatherspoons” in Middleton.

Han Solo would be well known to the DSS for claiming disability in three different offices using the names of Landau Kallrisien and Bobba Fett!

The “Storm Troopers” would be re-branded the “Greater Manchester Police”. Whilst being on long term sick and still getting paid they would moon-light as bouncers in “Walkabout”.

Anakin Skywalker would appear on Jeremy Kyle to dispute his fatherhood of 2 illegitimate twins Luke and Leia. After a lie detector test he would accuse the Princess of the Empire of knocking about with Ja-Ja Binks when he was in Strangeways.

OB Wan Kenobi would claim to have been on the train platform with Manchester ’s “rebels” that fateful day, when 2 intergalactic desperado’s from the East End of Alderan tried to take over Manchester .

The best way to destroy the Death Star would not necessarily be a desperate all out attack. An easy way would be: Leave it unattended in Salford/Moston/Gorton/Collyhurst/Cheatham Hill/Mosside/Wythenshaw (delete or appropriate).

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