If only it was a joke


Book Reviewer
Thank you for calling the British Army. I'm sorry, but all our units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with your country, name of organization, the region, the specific crisis and a number at which we can call you. As soon as we have sorted out Kosovo, Bosnia, Macedonia, Serbia, Iraq, Afghanistan, Northern Ireland, Sierra Leone, the Congo, marching up and down bits of tarmac in London and compulsory health and safety at work training, we will return your call.

Please speak after the tone or, if you require more options, listen to the following numbers:

1. If your crisis is small and close to the sea, press 1 for the Royal


2: If your concern is distant, with a tropical climate, good hotels and

can be solved by one or two low-risk bombing runs, please press 2 for

the Royal Air Force. (Please note that this service is not available after

1630 or at weekends.)

3: If your enquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a

warship, some bunting, flags, a damn good cocktail party and a first

class marching band please write, well in advance, to the First Sea Lord, The

Royal Navy, Whitehall, London SW1.

Thank you for calling and if you are interested in joining the Army (please, please, please do, although retention is fine and we are right up to strength) and wish to be liberalised yet paradoxically paid little, have premature arthritis, put your wife and family (or gay lover) in a condemned hut miles from civilisation, and are prepared to work your balls off day and night whilst watching the Treasury eroding your original terms and conditions and promising a better pension, serving mainly in sandy climes, whilst picking up rubbish and putting out house fires all over the UK, while fireman and binmen have a little holiday, then please stay on the line. Your call will shortly be passed on to a bitter, passed-over Recruiting Sergeant in a horrendously fronted, yet grotty little office down by the railway station.

Have a nice day and thank you again for trying to contact The British Army
I saw this a while ago and there was an option 4

If your crisis is urgent press 4 for Sandline International

Obviously Sandline is no longer around so insert some other popular PMC
coax-on said:
Obviously Sandline is no longer around so insert some other popular PMC
Sandline ????. Noooo, doesn't exist old chap - never did, never will, never had anything to do with our chaps. Fleet Street's imagination at its finest.


Book Reviewer
In Reply:

Polar 69, there is, it's called e-goat.

Whiffler, Your correct! I think you will find it should be 49 Para.


Book Reviewer
whiffler said:
49 Para Inc, if you please
Many apologies, I will now leave the room with my head held in shame.

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