Discussion in 'Miscellaneous Jokes' started by greysuit, Sep 13, 2010.

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  1. A little old but worth renewing - any comments on XP or the new thing that BG's brought out ?

    DOS Beer

    Requires you to use your own can opener, and that you read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8oz can, but now comes in a 16oz can. The can is divided into eight compartments of 2oz each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

    Macintosh Beer

    At first came only in a 16oz can, but now comes in a 32oz can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.

    Windows 3.1 Beer

    The world's most popular beer. Comes in a 16oz can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for no apparent reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

    OS/2 Beer

    Comes in a 32oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that the cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.

    Windows 95 Beer

    Windows 95 Beer looks a lot like Mac Beer but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32oz cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16oz of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS Beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brand.

    Windows 98 Beer

    Brewed as a new improved version of Windows 95 Beer, it tastes the same but comes in different packaging. The manufacturer has removed some of the old Windows 95 ingredients which caused consumers to have headaches, and have added new ingredients (mostly stabilisers) which cause new and improved headaches for people who didn't previously have headaches.

    Windows NT Beer

    Comes in a 32oz cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

    Windows 2000 Beer

    Known as NT-Lite, it is an industrial strength beer adapted for the individual consumer who wants the advantages of NT but without having to go out to crowded bars. Comes in 32 oz cans but, cans can now be bought separately and contains no DOS Beer ingredients.

    Windows ME Beer

    A celebration beer brewed purely to take advantage of the marketing opportunities presented by the new millennium. Most people consider it a repackaged version of Windows 2000, but the promised extra fizz has caused severe cases of indigestion and led many to return to Windows 2000 beer.

    Windows XP Beer

    Not so much a Beer as an alco-pop or alcoholic soft drink. It has bright packaging with child-friendly soft edges and it claims to integrate all the advantages of Windows 2000 Beer with all the advantages of those snacks which normally accompany Windows Beers. In order to open it you have to phone the manufacturer who will send you a ring for the ring-pull. Appealing to new consumers who like a sugary beer that talks back, but is highly irritating to older Windows Beer consumers.

    UNIX Beer

    This very heavy beer comes in 32oz cans, and has been around for years, rumour has it that it was originally brewed as a hoax by a couple of bored workers, only for them to find that some people actually liked the stuff. It tends to be drunk only by freaks or eccentric academics, often with beards; and drinkers of it do not like drinkers of any other beer. In its basic form it doesn't look particularly impressive, but with the addition of a magic ingredient named "X", it can be converted into an all-singing all-dancing beer on a par with the others. Many other varieties exist, with a huge range of flavours and (often unpronounceable) ingredients. It must be stressed, however, that even then it is strictly an acquired taste.

    Linux Beer

    A mass-market version of Unix beer enjoyed by those who find Windows Beer indigestible. Lighter than the traditional Unix brew, it may look unimpressive but is stronger and cheaper than Windows Beers. Is catching on because it stays free from harmful viruses for longer. Has a penguin logo showing that it's cool to drink Linux Beer rather than eccentric.

    AmigaOS Beer

    AmigaOS Beer is not unlike Unix Beer. No longer brewed commercially, the recipe is kept alive by enthusiasts. The container is no longer manufactured and must be bolted together from old sawn-up cans. It is enjoyed by beer preservation enthusiasts who consider it a safer brew than any of the new-fangled Windows Beers. Many AmigaOS Beer drinkers wouldswitch to Linux Beer except that they've already invested time in sawing up old cans to make new containers for their AmigaOS Beers.

    VMS Beer

    No longer sold commercially in any great quantity. Some older consumers have a stockpile of this now obsolete but once very popular brew and limited supplies can apparently still be obtained. For many years a competitor against UNIX Beer, it ultimately lost out against Windows Beer and most VMS Beer enthusiasts are reduced to consuming VMS-type Beer which lacks the bite of the original. A Lite version existed in the form of DECMate Beer.

    PRIMOS Beer

    An obscure historical beer which never really took off except at colleges which could not afford UNIX Beer or VMS Beer. Cheap, but not very satisfying except among a hard-core of consumers, it quickly vanished into obscurity.

    CPM Beer

    An early beer which required the consumer to hold onto two small opened cans and drink from the cans alternately. Despite the small capacity, each can took a long time to drink. Similar early beers included BBC Beer, Apricot Beer and DECMate Beer.


    An "own-brand" of beer consumed by employees of its manufacturer who were once not permitted any other brand. Sold only to the manufacturer's employees, it lacked the ingredients necessary for commercial success. When competitors' beers became available within the factory, OS/4000 Beer became a minority beer against early rivals such as CPM Beer, BBC Beer, VMS Beer and SunOS brand UNIX Beer.