ideas too get out of..........

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by 155_PinkMist, Jan 12, 2006.

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  1. ......Getting in the sh!t with ya missus....

    Inspired by the love bites thread....

    SITREP: You've gone out with the lads (naturally, squaddies) on a night of serious alcohol abuse. 4 am roles around and through the alco haze you see a filthy looking munter..... you wake in the morning to find you have recieved an incriminating mark on your body from a night of wild shagging with someone from the easier half of the opposite sex (Love bites, whip marks and stubborn lipstick stain around the base of your knob, you try and remove all evidence...

    ....With half an hour before seeing your missus for your erotic weekend away, which she's been looking forward to, and nagging you about for weeks, you realise you won't be able to rid yourself of the evidence. What would you do.....

    RULES: No not showing up, All excessive clothing must be plausible or at least debatable.

    Think of it as a test of initive..... and face it, it might come in handy one day!
  2. Easy
    Keep pretty covered up, including polo neck if needed and tell her you've got an STD and therefore can't get up to anything naughty at all as she'll probably puke at the sight. Suggest she goes and gets herself tested, but tell her your STD could have started as an infection from bad admin in the field... It *might* work
  3. Get wings tattoo's over the lipstick mark on my schlong. I'td just give me that little extra motivational kick on P-Coy. Lovebites= bruises from sect. attacks. Claim the whipmarks are 'That fu$king grass thats all over CTA..."
  4. Turn up at night, tell her the sight of her body makes you lose wood quicker than something really quick, and you should, for the greater good, turn the lights out.
  5. Is blinding her with battery acid an acceptable solution? This will also save you from a lifetime of having to watch soppy films and soap operas with her.
    You'll be able to leave her at home with some braille "Mills & Boon", switch off the lights, saving you money, and go down the pub.
  6. Might leave some unsavoury scars though. also, you'd lose the "look up" treatment on blowjobs. There has to be a more effective way!
  7. To solve the scars problem, invest in a mask, I favour the rubber Ronald Reagan one, beloved of armed robbers.
    If you still crave BJ eye-contact, get a dog (see Fish heads thread) holding your hand up behind your head and waggling your fingers will draw its attention while it licks the Marmite/Nutella off of your little soldier.
  8. Love bites are like blood spots, burst blood vessels that come to the surface of the skin. If you make another mark on the other side of the neck with a bit of hose, and scratch and bleed a little around your neck, you can always say you got in a fight with a fellow squaddie in which he grabbed you around the neck. Tell her you made a complaint and it's all over and done with.

    Depending on how dark the love bite is....because you get similiar (light) marks from strangulation.

    Add an elbow support, extra scratches and bruises and take pain killers from time to time.

  9. Cnut, my boss was walking past as I read that, I nearly choked.
  10. Walk up to the missus smiling and slap her on the arrse as you wink at her and say "your next fatty"

  11. God I think i just peed a little (and I'm a man so that's a feat and half).
  12. Happened to me once. Got home to girlfriend thinking Oh Shit. After night out in pub she went to bed. I switched out lights got in bed and made sure we had a good session.

    Next morning went to bathroom, returned to bedroomand said 'What the hell is this on my neck? - You know I hate these things.'

    She apologised profusely and said she had no memory of doing it.

  13. Hypnotism's the answer - you cant see any whip marks, love bites, lipstick rings and youve promised me a suck'n'swallow
  14. The Love Bites are of course a result of some high japery from one of the lads(Prime him just in case). And secondly (if you do get away with it) file this episode away, and consider being a singly again.
  15. billy connely solution , wire brush and detol.