ideas for tv programmes

TV is pretty gash as a rule, I think you'll all agree. I’m just in the process of packing my 9 year old off to bed so I can sit down and watch the Ross Kemp true-life documentary "Ultimate Force" and told him he couldn't watch the programme I wanted to watch.
He asked what it was called and I told him
"Ultimate fart?" he said

Which I think is a proper good title for a TV reality show.

Imagine it, if you will. 4 D list celebs are given £25 and a day to shop for the best bum gas ingredients they select, along the lines of Celebrity Come Dine with me. The evening’s menu may include a food/alcohol combo for their evening meal, just so long as they don’t exceed their budget. The production company will give each contestant 4 tins of warm Fosters. The celebs then all sit down together to enjoy their meal and bevies.

The following day, they are woken up early and given black coffee and Marlboro’s for breakfast. Then a good session of cardio phys and the taken back to the TV studio, where they are allowed a shower but denied a toilet.

Then a microphone is held up against their spandex clad arrse and they are invited to let rip, the winner being the one who produces the loudest trouser trump. The winner of each episode can go through to a grand final, which is were the general public will be able to select the person who can produce the “Ultimate Fart”

What do you think? I reckon it has merit.
Didn't " Roger Melley our man on the Tele " of Viz fame not have a similar idea for a TV Gameshow ? One thing is for certain and if copyright law would allow his appearance " Johnny Fartpants " would be an outright winner on such a show .
ARRSE Celebrity C*nt Factor Battle Royale: In the dead of night armed snatch squads bust into the houses of 100 of Britains most irritating celebs (Examples include that c*nt off that dancing programme on sky, that tw@t who was banging Jordan, Jordan, that fcuking yokel justin lee collins etc etc) and drag them off to a high-tech containment facility manned by ARRSE volunteer b*stards. On arrival they are stripped naked and put into individual bare concrete cells where they are put through a week long disorientation & dehumanisation process-they get the hose, white noise & permanent bright light to disrupt sleep, beatings from competition winners, starvation etc. During this time a list of the celebs is published on the Naafi bar, along with a list of weapons. This list would have a variety of tools, entries ranging from proper kit like a GPMG & six belts of link or an M-79 grenade launcher with sack of 40mm grenades through things like chainsaws, spears, broken bottles, battleaxes, and nunchuks, down to comedy implements like a roll of bumwad or a stick of celery. ARRSERS then vote on which celeb gets which weapon-the idea being to match the wrong weapon to the right celebrity to maximise chances of funny deaths . Once this process is complete they are flown out one by one to ARRSEs tropical island of death, rigged with hundreds of concealed TV cameras. They must then hunt each other down one by one for our entertainment, with ARRSERs voting on daily 'wild cards'-various life threatening but funny special events, such as laying a random minefield or unleashing a swarm of venomous scorpions. The last surviving celeb is then flown back to the TV studio to a Big Brother finale style event, only to be shot in the face by an ARRSE competition winner just as they think they're safe. Its a ratings winner! Who wouldn't like to see Jamie oliver being clubbed to death by n-dubz armed with 15th century flanged maces, before in turn they are torn apart by a pack of starving wolves voted in on the wild card system?
Chav Hunt, each week,a select group of benefit scrounger,wasters & scousers,are hand picked to compete in a cross country like hunt,a bit like the Arnie film The Running Man.
Teams of highly trained ARRSE'rs lie in wait,ready to pick off entire chav families with precision & style.
Points are awarded to ARRSE'rs for the most imaginative means of dispatch of single & multiple targets.
The winning chav family are then offered a choice of three prizes....
2-A job
Ready Steady Cook meets Animal Hospital?

Sod Rolf Harris - The Godlike Tropper will judge/advise/rule from his stately pub in Caerdydd on all aspects and stages of the show...
Nice one Taff.

I quite like Spike's idea with the Chavs. I think you're onto something there mate. But you need to think more 'Hard Target' and 'Surviving the Game' I think it's called starring Ice Motherfucking Tea.

But you could have various stages for them to get through like Takeshis Castle. Like stage one could be strapping the chavs to bungees like the Burger King advert, and they run (or puff and pant) as far as they can get towards their benefit money. And each time the handout gets moved further back.

Each time, they can be given different 'goodies' to try and aim for. Food vouchers, soft drugs, BB gun etc.

The final round can see the last couple of chavs in the Surviving the Game bit, being hunted by the taxpayer. Give them a pack of tabs and let them wonder aimlessly in the forest waiting to be blatted out of existence. You could even have Simon Cowell judging them at the end and getting taken in by all their sob stories about only having a fucking 5 bed house when they've got 13 kids and it's just 'not fair'.

I watch too much TV.
"I'm a Prime Minister, Get Me Out of Here"

Starring Dave and Gordon. The Bush Tucker Trial involves swallowing something distinctly unpleasant that's sticking out of the zip on Nick Clegg's trousers.
I like Brad's idea, but have one tiny reservationette. Some people just didn't have the right breaks in life and turned left instead of right, or were denied the opportunities by their social conditioning.

Perhaps one of the celebs will turn out to be natural squaddie material. In which case, the audience could give them a thumbs up and a transfer straight to a regiment. In this event, the competition winner would be given a trip to the Brecons, an AW50 and a Labour Cabinet of their choice to hunt.
*Roger Mellie mode on*

"What's My Cock"
6 male celebs stand behind a screen with just their knobs showing through holes in screen.

Female celebs then take turns in guessing whose cock is whose.

"Big Mother"
Male contestants have to guess whose minge is showing from behind a screen. Then he has to shag it, but the twist is - his mum's one of the females.


Book Reviewer
Celebrity Arrse Naffi Bar Basement
A selection of celebrities are placed in an Arrse "Fritzel" Basement designed by MDN and other Arrse Degenerates
They have to complete a series of challenges and first to find Maddie McCann wins a prize

Along the way they get to play "who drugged and raped me" a round which starts with a nice drink to refresh them after wards when they wake up they have to decide wether it was a gang bang or just 1 Arrser who smashed their back doors in

The winner gets to have pictures of her gash plastered all over Arrse after she is bundled out of a transit van in the middle of nowhere

"Peter Sutcliffe's Hammer Time" a new show in which Chav birds try to convince Peter Sutcliffe that they do have a role in life apart from appearing in the News of tHe World boasting about how half of Chelsea roasted them

"Whets Wake up and Work"
A show in which Nick Knowles form tvs make over sh1t shows attempts to keep Whet awake long enough to get a job
Mine would be ARRSE Celebrity Big Brothel

The celebrity big brothel house (made up of a number of terraced houses on Longmoor village) is rigged up with hundreds of high resolution, night vision cameras which are live linked to ARRSE. The house consists of all the normal stuff, but the 12 bedrooms range from a squat with a torn up issue roll mat on the floor next to some rotten chips and a piss stained floor, through camp cots, metal bunk beds with green pissproof mattresses, and even real mattress beds, right up to a glorious king size love bed in a seductive red room.

The 13 contestans (meaning 2 will HAVE to share a bed) are only allowed to be female. They're voted into the house by ARRSE, after meridian compiles a shortlist and posts pictures on the lady thread. They're all supposed to be fitties. Except for one absolutely filthy fat munter with armpit crust. More on the bogey prize later.

Anyway, for the first 3 weeks, the women live in the house undisturbed. They are not allowed any healthy food, makeup, or shampoo, unless they divulge in a lesbian act each night. The munter is not released into the house until after this, save ruining it. Once the three weeks is up, the voting begins.

So, during the week prior to voting beginning, the women will have to take part in a number of tasks. These tasks can be as prude or as crude as required, designed by ARRSErs themselves. ARRSE members bid online and the winners of the auctions design the tasks. Anyway, the women take part in the tasks, and then ARRSE members vote on who won each task, and vote on the winning order from best to worst. The winner gets to spend the saturday night on the love bed, with the rest going down the bed pecking order until the loser on the roll mat.

So, with girls matched to beds, the ARRSErs get back on the bidding site. The ARRSErs all bid on a shag, with the highest bidder bedding the winning girl on the love bed, and the next best 11 bidders bedding girls in order down the chain, with the 11th highest bidder getting one of the fitties on the camp cot, but the LOWEST bidder having to take the bogey prize of the munter on the roll mat. Thus, the bidding should never end, as the lowest bidder will do anything possible to bid on top of the highest bid - not because they want the fittest one, but just because they want to avoid the munter.

So, with blokes assigned to birds, and birds to beds, the blokes are let into the house, and sent straight to the bedrooms. The fun begins, and all of ARRSE can watch on the night vision cameras. The best performance gets then voted for, and the punters least favourite performance gets voted off. Note - the fat bird can't be voted off. She is invincible.

This goes on every week until there are only 2 left - the hottest chick and the fat bird. The voters then get the last chance to vote, with the highest bidder bedding the final remaining hot chick, and the stingiest bidder having to deal with the fat one. Once they're finished, the fit bird is crowned the ARRSE Celebrity Big Brothel champion, and sent to the STD clinic. The fat one is shot. On a live video feed. Her brains are then scraped off the wall, and fed to the 2 runners up of the competition, to eat in a one-off 'two girls one brain' episode. Screened on ARRSE.

Then, the best bit.

All proceeds to hols4heroes.
the_boy_syrup said:
The winner gets to have pictures of her gash plastered all over Arrse after she is bundled out of a transit van in the middle of nowhere
You'd be better using a mini moke.

4RIFLES are well known for training drivers in especially this role.
Blitz Street II

Channel 4 producers invite as many Chavs as is possible to a day out at a remote military base.

After a full, fun packed programme including mong donuts and burnouts in 1940's classic cars and free grub, the burburry wearing waste of spaces eventually get their heads down in specially built terraced houses.

At dark O'Clock, Tony Robininson and some 'blowy up stuff' experts appear and...
Arte_et_Marte said:
Blitz Street II

Channel 4 producers invite as many Chavs as is possible to a day out at a remote military base.

After a full, fun packed programme including mong donuts and burnouts in 1940's classic cars and free grub, the burburry wearing waste of spaces eventually get their heads down in specially built terraced houses.

At dark O'Clock, Tony Robininson and some 'blowy up stuff' experts appear and...
I'm surprised you didn't come up with an updated version of Ballykissangel -

What could be easier than a rerun of The Goon Show? Granted, there was only one televised version, so it may be more suited to a BFBS radio show. The script could be lifted straight from ARRSE and Eccles could be played by Nightrained.

I'm stuck for players of other characters, though. Suggestions?
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