Compere: Jonathon King
Comedian: Michael Barrymore
Grp 1: S Club Juniors
Grp 2: Menudo
Spec Act: Roger Cook (of the Cook Report) to investigate the back-stage goings on and to get tw@atted when taking his camera to film it
Surely you are forgetting the delights of TATU, the eastern european two girl band of 17 and 18 who openly profess to be 'deeply involved' with one another and frequently overrun shows by showing how 'deep' into each other they actually do go!
Compere - Jim Davidson
Gp1 - girls Aloud cause some can't sing (geordie girl)
gp 2 - James Brown ( his music always appears in US war films!!)
Special Act - T Blair & G.Bush don't have to do anything just to show how much our troops appreciate them, then they can lead from the front!!!
All very valid suggestions however, you have all obviously overlooked one thing..... I may be going. Therefore this rules out any possibility of chicks like Geri Halliwell turning up in her pants. There can only be one possible line up for this event and it is as follows:
Compere: COLON Powell (he wasn't there last time and is desperate for a medal)
Comedian: Tony F*&%ing Blair (Nuff Said)
Band 1: Those Tosspots that did the birdy song or some equally pointless tune that involves groups of people standing in rows doing 'SUPERMAN'
Band 2: Rik Waller (Back from his worldwind tour of Afghanistan annoying the troops there)
Speciality Act: The Krankies (What can I say other than 'FANDABBIDOZY)
This entertainment just about sums up the attitudes of those incompetents whose idea it was to send us everywhere in the first place