If you could have any performers poss who would you have to do a show in the desert. 1 compere, 1 comedian, 2 groups and one speciality act. Come on guys and girls I am sure this could be good
Compere: Jonathon King
Comedian: Michael Barrymore
Grp 1: S Club Juniors
Grp 2: Menudo
Spec Act: Roger Cook (of the Cook Report) to investigate the back-stage goings on and to get tw@atted when taking his camera to film it  ;D
Compere and Comedian - Bob Monkhouse . He is incredibly funny, and ever so errrrr risque

Groups... Rolling Stones to get you in the mood for war, and Bond, for some culture  ;D

Speciality act? - Geoff Hoons ' "Believe it or not" a collection of strange tales, bound together for your entertainment.....

I love the Stones, it takes me right back to Nam

well Chelt-Nam actually, but it's like music for the fighting generation. Unless you want to look at what was in the charts in 82 and 91? Nahhhhh didn't think so -  ;D
Compere: Lee Evans
Comedian: Roy 'Chubby' Brown
Grp 1: Sex Pistols
Grp 2: Pete Tong
Spec Act: Paul Daniels and his wife Debbie McGee (cos she'd get it !)
Debbie Mcgee would get it...........with a claw hammer ;D


Surely you are forgetting the delights of TATU, the eastern european two girl band of 17 and 18 who openly profess to be 'deeply involved' with one another and frequently overrun shows by showing how 'deep' into each other they actually do go!


Compere - Jim Davidson
Gp1 - girls Aloud cause some can't sing (geordie girl)
gp 2 - James Brown ( his music always appears in US war films!!)
Special Act - T Blair & G.Bush don't have to do anything just to show how much our troops appreciate them, then they can lead from the front!!!
Compere: Jimmy Tarbuck      
Comedian: John Prescott
Grp 1: Gary Glitter
Grp 2: Pete Townsend and The Who (sentance pending)
Spec Act: Ozzie Osbourne


with a line up like that surely the compere could be Michael Barrymore? aplogogies just re-read Woopert already got him.. how about Graham Norton?


How about the Bar Manager as compere.

Speciality act. Mr Methane

Group 1. Brother Beyond. ( for all the girls)

Group 2. Bananrama.

Comedian. The entire cast from the Fast Show


All very valid suggestions however, you have all obviously overlooked one thing..... I may be going. Therefore this rules out any possibility of chicks like Geri Halliwell turning up in her pants. There can only be one possible line up for this event and it is as follows:

Compere: COLON Powell (he wasn't there last time and is desperate for a medal)

Comedian: Tony F*&%ing Blair (Nuff Said)

Band 1: Those Tosspots that did the birdy song or some equally pointless tune that involves groups of people standing in rows doing 'SUPERMAN'

Band 2: Rik Waller (Back from his worldwind tour of Afghanistan annoying the troops there)

Speciality Act: The Krankies (What can I say other than 'FANDABBIDOZY)

This entertainment just about sums up the attitudes of those incompetents whose idea it was to send us everywhere in the first place  


I'm sorry, but Rik Waller is banned due to a number of factors.

1. There will not be a stage big or strong enough in situ to hold his vast mass.

2. All the C5's and Hercs will be busy dropping in all my mail to accomodate him


Book Reviewer
Pete Townshend was meant to sing "The Kids are Alright", but now wishes he'd stuck to "My Generation".

Spec Act:  Matthew Kelly hosting a "Tears in their eyes" kid's special ;D


How about going on stars in their eyes and saying "Tonight Matthew I'm going to be Rolf Harris and do two little boys"

adds a whole new meaning to phrase "get stuck in"


compare ..... has to b that well known stand up Gerry Feckin Ad**s

Comedian....... that would be nice but like us in Bos in 93 we had some old fart who did impressions of a spit fire takin off and and a marching band down the mall

Group 1....... Shawaddy waddy

Group 2......... well uwouldnt need another after that but if u ndid then it would b some feckin boy band or acker bilk recordings from yesteryear....

All in all a starring line up as far as the CSE show and jim davidson are concerned.......


War Hero
Compere: Sean connery

Comedian: Ricky gervais

group 1: Stranglers

group 2: Sugababes

Special Act: Celebrity boxing match with Blair and Bush, best of 12 rounds......and then winner stays on!

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