IckleMissNawtis Guide to Dating

Discussion in 'The ARRSE Hole' started by IckleMissNawti, Mar 29, 2007.

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  1. The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those giveaway gestures that can tell you so much about a person. Train yourself to recognize - and decode - these KEY "SIGNS." Figuring out these moronic little indicators can save you a lot of time and effort.

    1. Woman won't unlock car door for man - Doesn't engage in oral sex

    2. Man gets in car without opening door for woman - No foreplay

    3. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant - Prefers virgins

    4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the way - Is a virgin

    5. Can't hail a cab - Impotent

    6. Insists on going to a homely little cafe with windmill motif - Compulsive Don Quixote

    7. Insists on going to a romantic candle-lit restaurant - Compulsive Don Juan

    8. Insists on going to a Polynesian bar - Compulsive Don Ho

    9. Wants to go to a French restaurant - Will swallow

    10. Wants to go to a deli - Won't swallow

    11. Takes too long deciding what to order - Has trouble reaching orgasm

    12. Orders salad dressing on the side - Will give you a hand job, but will not go "all the way"

    13. Gives explicit orders to waiter - Will expect incredibly skillful gymnastics in bed

    14. Asks for extra rolls - Will say she is using birth control when she's not, will get pregnant and sue

    15. Insists on ordering for you, referring to you as "The lady will have..." - Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn't

    16. Asks for "The Usual" - Insists on missionary position only

    17. Asks what the specials are - Will want you to use handcuffs

    18. Fills up on bread and crackers - Premature ejaculation

    19. Doesn't finish everything on plate - Has already come

    20. Insists on having some of whatever you ordered - Will make you sleep on the wet spot

    21. Changes mind after ordering - Will never call you

    22. Changes tables - Nymphomaniac

    23. Drinks Decaffeinated. - Fakes Orgasm (Female)

    24. Orders in French - Fakes Orgasm (Male)

    25. Sends food back - Will sleep with you, brag to all his friends, then try to borrow money

    26. Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts - Needs you to talk dirty during sex

    27. Orders a dessert involving ladyfingers - Wants a handjob

    28. Orders a dessert involving nuts - Castrating Bitch

    29. Wants to split dessert - Is dying to get rid of her apartment, move in with you, rearrange all your closets, and take down all your baseball posters

    30. Credit card is refused - Low sperm count

    31. Under tips waiter - Small penis

    32. Under tips parking valet - Small penis

    33. Under tips cabby - Small penis

    34. Uses toothpick - Is trying to tell you size isn't everything

    35. Removable cassette player in car - Pulls out repeatedly during sex

    36. Cellular phone in car - Penile implant

    Hope that this helps you!!


    ps maybe I should have just posted this straight in the sin bin and save the MODS from getting RSI? :wink:
  2. So if you're so good at dating how come you're single?

    If you're really keen you could try wandering around the Cathedral end of Canning street - you're bound to pull. ;)
  3. Turns up on a website with a fat arse and shite net curtains.....Is a cock hunting fat slag
  4. Die............
    I hear aids is nice.
  5. Do you really want to get me started on that really long boring story? Shortened version - single by choice...

    Its far too cold to be going out tomming, and besides which my twin sisters got my best skirt and boots tonight... Thanks for the advice tho :wink:

  6. Awwwww heres my bessie never fails to show me the love do you :blowkis:

  7. I'l leave you to find that out, its not really appealing to me thanks all the same xxx
  8. Shortened version

    'My oversized body puts men off, also my tendancies toward self mutilation are more than enough to satisfy my sexual desires'
  9. aww suits maybe you should ask one of ya fellow "squaddies" to help you out there I'm sure they'd be more than willing to oblige xxx
  10. You are a cunt. I want to slowly run a blue flame over your cunt with a blowtorch, and then scrape the melted mess onto a peice of bread and feed it to you, before battering your head off of the pavement until theres brain showing.

    After letting my cat claw your anus to peices.
  11. Sounds kinky, unfortunately theres a huge flaw in that plan... I don't eat carbs xxx
  12. Fuck off!!!!

    From the size of your fat face on the display pic, it looks like you eat Cars!!!!
  13. Your just a fcuking mong arent you.
    No need to think up whistful witty remarks here folks, shell fcuk off eventually.
  14. Oooooooooooh sticks and stones blah blah

    Soooo Mr Internet Warrior, wheres your pic? I'd like to know "what" I was getting insulted by...

    oh waits its k i found you on the Oxfam Fashion site xxx

  15. Wishful thinking darling xxx

    The more you abuse the longer i'll stay xxx