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  1. A sweet young thing thought she might have some fun with a stiff looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over to him and asked when was the last time he had sex. "1956" was his immediate reply.

    "No wonder you look so uptight" she exclaimed.

    "I'm not sure I understand you" he answered, glancing at his watch, "it's only 2014 now".
     
  2. Ahh......... the old ones are .....













    still the old ones :D
     
  3. DEFINITIONS


    Q: How can a woman tell if she is flat chested?
    A: She will look down her dress and the two bumps she
    sees are
    her knees.

    Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women ?
    A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go
    they
    take your house and car with the them.

    Q: Why can't you trust a woman ?
    A: How can you trust something that bleeds for five days
    and
    doesn't die?

    Q: What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a
    light
    bulb? A. You can unscrew a light bulb.

    Q: Why do women close their eyes during sex?
    A: They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.

    Q: How do you make your wife scream for an hour after
    sex?
    A: Wipe your dick on the curtains.

    Q: Why do men die before their wives?
    A: They want to.

    Q: What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples
    for?
    A: Its Braille for "suck here".

    Q: Why did God give men penises ?
    A: So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

    Q: What is an Australian kiss?
    A: It is the same as a French kiss but only down under.

    Q: Define Bra?[simple words]
    A: A modern device used for the upliftment of the
    downfallen
    ones.

    Q: Define a Bra? [Shakspearean words]
    A: Under shoulder boulder holder.

    Q: What do you do with 365 used condoms?
    A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

    Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
    A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

    Q: Why girls rub their eyes when they get up in the
    morning?
    A: They don't have balls to scratch.

    Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?
    A: "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just
    got laid
    a minute ago."
     
  4. George Bush dies and goes to hell. He meets the big man downstairs and D'evil offers him a choice.

    "Look George, I know you didn't want to be down here but we have got an offer on this week. As we are so full you can choose to send one person back up to earth and you will take on their punishment."

    George goes to the first door and behind it is Nixon diving off a platform into raw sewage get back out and doing it again over and over again.

    George says "Er no I couldn't do that, the stench is terrible and its just horrible"

    D'evil says "fair enough onto the next door"

    Behind the next door is Tony Bliar breaking rocks with a large hammer. Everytime he breaks a rock another one appears.

    George says "Well no I couldn't do that I have a bad shoulder and it just isn't happening"

    D'evil replies "right you are big man onto the next one"

    They open the next door and behind it George finds Bill Clinton spread eagle on a bed with Monica Lewinsky smoking his pole.

    George excitedly says "Thats the one for me I think I could cope with that" grinning to himself"

    D'evil grins and says "Good call George, right you are Monica off you go back upstairs!"
     
  5. A young girl on a years training course in South Africa recently received a
    "Dear John" letter from her boyfriend back home. It read as
    follows:

    Dear Mary,

    I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just
    too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been
    gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the
    picture of me that I sent to you. Love, John

    Mary, with hurt feelings, asked her colleagues for any snapshots they could
    spare of their boyfriends, brothers, ex-boyfriends, uncles, cousins etc. In
    addition to the picture of John, Mary included all the other pictures of
    the pretty lads she had collected from her buddies. There were 57 photos in
    that envelope....along with this note

    Dear John,

    I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the f**k you are. Please take
    your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me. Take Care, Mary
     
  6. :lol:


    Great thread!


    :lol:
     
  7. I just saw a movie about some guy who had amazing revelations while eating his cereal. It was called Breakfast Epiphanies.



    8)
     
  8. The Pigmy and the Dinosaur
    A scientist finds evidence of an actual dinosaur, alive and living in the rainforests of South America. He campaigns several universities and succeeds in getting a grant to launch an expedition.
    Several weeks pass and the expedition party stumble upon a 3 foot tall pigmy standing near a 300 foot long dead dinosaur.
    The scientist approaches the pigmy and exclaims, "Wow! Did you kill this dinosaur?"
    "Yep!" replied the pigmy.
    "But, it's so big and you're so small!"
    "Yep!", replied the pigmy.
    "How on earth did you kill it?" inquired the scientist.
    "With a club," replied the pigmy.
    "How big is your club?" demanded the scientist.
    The pigmy replied, "Well, there're about 50 of us!"
     
  9. In Praise Of Blondes:

    - What's a blonde's idea of safe sex? Locking the car door.

    - Did you hear about the blonde who was found frozen to death in her car at the drive-in movie theatre? She went to see 'Closed For The Winter'

    - A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her
    mother overseas. When the man told Her it would cost $300, she exclaimed:

    "I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my
    Mother."

    The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect). "Anything?" he asked.

    "Yes, yes, anything," the blonde promised.

    "Well then, just follow me," said the man as he walked towards the next room.

    The blonde did as she was told and followed the man, who said, "Come in and close the
    door." She did.

    "Now get on your knees."

    She did.

    "Now take down my zipper."

    She did.

    "Now go ahead...take it out ...."

    She reached in and grabbed it with both hands...then paused.The man closed
    his eyes and whispered, "Well, go ahead."

    The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer...and while holding it close to
    her lips tentatively said..."Hello, Mom?"
     
  10. 1. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
    One is white, made of plastic, and is dangerous for children to play with.
    The other one holds groceries.

    2. Why did Michael Jackson go to K-mart?
    He heard that boys pants were half off

    3. Why did Michael Jackson place a call to Boyz to Men?
    He thought it was a delivery service.

    4. What is Michael Jackson's alma mater?
    Bringham Young

    5. How do you know when Michael Jackson has a hot date?
    There's a tricycle in his driveway.

    6. Why was Michael Jackson relieved of his boy scout duties?
    He was up to a pack a day.

    7. What is a perfect 10 for Michael Jackson?
    Two five year olds.

    And finally....

    The pope said if there is one more molestation allegation against
    Michael Jackson, he would have no choice but to make him a priest.
     
  11. Things heard by tech support:
    Customer: "I have Microword Soft."
    Customer: "Microwave Windows?"
    Customer: "Will this upgrade include Microwave 97?"
    Customer: (Referring to Microsoft Defrag.) "I ran Microwave Defrost, but it didn't help."
    Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."
    Customer: "I have Microscope Exploiter."
    Customer: "I have Netscape Complicator."
    Customer: "I have Netscape Regulator."
    Customer: "Uhh...I have Newscape and Outlook Exposure."
    Customer: "I have a US Robotics Sportscaster modem."
    Customer: "It's not my computer that is slow. I have a 200 horse power hard drive."
     
  12. Little Patricks Birthday


    For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His
    father said,

    >" Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is
    $80,000 and

    your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
    The next day

    the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front door with a
    suitcase.


    So he asked, "Son, where are you going?

    Little Patrick told him,
    " I was walking past your room last night and heard you tell mum you were
    pulling out.

    Then I heard
    her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be
    damned if I'm staying
    here by myself with an $80,000mortgage and no f**king bike!"
     
  13. woopert

    woopert LE Moderator

    Johnny and Timmy are talking on Xmas day.

    Johnny: I got a bike and a DVD for Christmas, what did you get?

    Timmy: I got a bike, a toy car, a trip to Eurodisney, a DVD, a Playstation, loads of books, games, and a puppy.

    Johnny: Fukcing hell Tim you lucky bastard, I wish I had cancer! :lol:
     
  14. There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know we all have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

    An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?

    "There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.

    The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

    "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

    The receptionist, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

    The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

    "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

    "And what is wrong >>with your ear, Sir?" "I can't piss out of it," the man replied. The doctor's office erupted in laughter.
     
  15. A guy was sitting quietly reading the paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a frying pan.

    "What was that for?" he asked.

    "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.

    "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

    "Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."

    Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him on the head with an iron skillet, knocking him cold. When he came to his senses, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"

    She replied, "Your horse called!"