Ickle Joke

#1
A sweet young thing thought she might have some fun with a stiff looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over to him and asked when was the last time he had sex. "1956" was his immediate reply.

"No wonder you look so uptight" she exclaimed.

"I'm not sure I understand you" he answered, glancing at his watch, "it's only 2014 now".
 
#3
DEFINITIONS


Q: How can a woman tell if she is flat chested?
A: She will look down her dress and the two bumps she
sees are
her knees.

Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women ?
A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go
they
take your house and car with the them.

Q: Why can't you trust a woman ?
A: How can you trust something that bleeds for five days
and
doesn't die?

Q: What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a
light
bulb? A. You can unscrew a light bulb.

Q: Why do women close their eyes during sex?
A: They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.

Q: How do you make your wife scream for an hour after
sex?
A: Wipe your dick on the curtains.

Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to.

Q: What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples
for?
A: Its Braille for "suck here".

Q: Why did God give men penises ?
A: So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

Q: What is an Australian kiss?
A: It is the same as a French kiss but only down under.

Q: Define Bra?[simple words]
A: A modern device used for the upliftment of the
downfallen
ones.

Q: Define a Bra? [Shakspearean words]
A: Under shoulder boulder holder.

Q: What do you do with 365 used condoms?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Q: Why girls rub their eyes when they get up in the
morning?
A: They don't have balls to scratch.

Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A: "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just
got laid
a minute ago."
 
#4
George Bush dies and goes to hell. He meets the big man downstairs and D'evil offers him a choice.

"Look George, I know you didn't want to be down here but we have got an offer on this week. As we are so full you can choose to send one person back up to earth and you will take on their punishment."

George goes to the first door and behind it is Nixon diving off a platform into raw sewage get back out and doing it again over and over again.

George says "Er no I couldn't do that, the stench is terrible and its just horrible"

D'evil says "fair enough onto the next door"

Behind the next door is Tony Bliar breaking rocks with a large hammer. Everytime he breaks a rock another one appears.

George says "Well no I couldn't do that I have a bad shoulder and it just isn't happening"

D'evil replies "right you are big man onto the next one"

They open the next door and behind it George finds Bill Clinton spread eagle on a bed with Monica Lewinsky smoking his pole.

George excitedly says "Thats the one for me I think I could cope with that" grinning to himself"

D'evil grins and says "Good call George, right you are Monica off you go back upstairs!"
 
#5
A young girl on a years training course in South Africa recently received a
"Dear John" letter from her boyfriend back home. It read as
follows:

Dear Mary,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just
too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been
gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the
picture of me that I sent to you. Love, John

Mary, with hurt feelings, asked her colleagues for any snapshots they could
spare of their boyfriends, brothers, ex-boyfriends, uncles, cousins etc. In
addition to the picture of John, Mary included all the other pictures of
the pretty lads she had collected from her buddies. There were 57 photos in
that envelope....along with this note

Dear John,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the f**k you are. Please take
your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me. Take Care, Mary
 
#8
The Pigmy and the Dinosaur
A scientist finds evidence of an actual dinosaur, alive and living in the rainforests of South America. He campaigns several universities and succeeds in getting a grant to launch an expedition.
Several weeks pass and the expedition party stumble upon a 3 foot tall pigmy standing near a 300 foot long dead dinosaur.
The scientist approaches the pigmy and exclaims, "Wow! Did you kill this dinosaur?"
"Yep!" replied the pigmy.
"But, it's so big and you're so small!"
"Yep!", replied the pigmy.
"How on earth did you kill it?" inquired the scientist.
"With a club," replied the pigmy.
"How big is your club?" demanded the scientist.
The pigmy replied, "Well, there're about 50 of us!"
 
#9
In Praise Of Blondes:

- What's a blonde's idea of safe sex? Locking the car door.

- Did you hear about the blonde who was found frozen to death in her car at the drive-in movie theatre? She went to see 'Closed For The Winter'

- A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her
mother overseas. When the man told Her it would cost $300, she exclaimed:

"I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my
Mother."

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect). "Anything?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, anything," the blonde promised.

"Well then, just follow me," said the man as he walked towards the next room.

The blonde did as she was told and followed the man, who said, "Come in and close the
door." She did.

"Now get on your knees."

She did.

"Now take down my zipper."

She did.

"Now go ahead...take it out ...."

She reached in and grabbed it with both hands...then paused.The man closed
his eyes and whispered, "Well, go ahead."

The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer...and while holding it close to
her lips tentatively said..."Hello, Mom?"
 
#10
1. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is white, made of plastic, and is dangerous for children to play with.
The other one holds groceries.

2. Why did Michael Jackson go to K-mart?
He heard that boys pants were half off

3. Why did Michael Jackson place a call to Boyz to Men?
He thought it was a delivery service.

4. What is Michael Jackson's alma mater?
Bringham Young

5. How do you know when Michael Jackson has a hot date?
There's a tricycle in his driveway.

6. Why was Michael Jackson relieved of his boy scout duties?
He was up to a pack a day.

7. What is a perfect 10 for Michael Jackson?
Two five year olds.

And finally....

The pope said if there is one more molestation allegation against
Michael Jackson, he would have no choice but to make him a priest.
 
#11
Things heard by tech support:
Customer: "I have Microword Soft."
Customer: "Microwave Windows?"
Customer: "Will this upgrade include Microwave 97?"
Customer: (Referring to Microsoft Defrag.) "I ran Microwave Defrost, but it didn't help."
Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."
Customer: "I have Microscope Exploiter."
Customer: "I have Netscape Complicator."
Customer: "I have Netscape Regulator."
Customer: "Uhh...I have Newscape and Outlook Exposure."
Customer: "I have a US Robotics Sportscaster modem."
Customer: "It's not my computer that is slow. I have a 200 horse power hard drive."
 
#12
Little Patricks Birthday


For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His
father said,

>" Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is
$80,000 and

your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day

the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front door with a
suitcase.


So he asked, "Son, where are you going?

Little Patrick told him,
" I was walking past your room last night and heard you tell mum you were
pulling out.

Then I heard
her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be
damned if I'm staying
here by myself with an $80,000mortgage and no f**king bike!"
 
#13
Johnny and Timmy are talking on Xmas day.

Johnny: I got a bike and a DVD for Christmas, what did you get?

Timmy: I got a bike, a toy car, a trip to Eurodisney, a DVD, a Playstation, loads of books, games, and a puppy.

Johnny: Fukcing hell Tim you lucky bastard, I wish I had cancer! :lol:
 
#14
There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know we all have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?

"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

"And what is wrong >>with your ear, Sir?" "I can't piss out of it," the man replied. The doctor's office erupted in laughter.
 
#15
A guy was sitting quietly reading the paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him on the head with an iron skillet, knocking him cold. When he came to his senses, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"

She replied, "Your horse called!"
 
#16
Actual letter of resignation from an employee at Zantex Computers, USA, to her boss.




Dear Mr. Baker,



As a graduate of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of my co-workers and me during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.



Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time.



You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will.



You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Since this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.



1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for you to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.



2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favourites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favourably by the administration.



3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your Mother's birthday," you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please; I hate having to correct your mistakes.)



Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never f*** with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you do with all that free time!



Wishing you a grand and glorious day,



Cecelia
 
#17
Morality Test

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. Please
don't answer it without giving it some serious thought. By giving an
honest
answer you will be able to test where you stand morally. The test
features
an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you will have to make
a
decision one way or the other. Remember that your answer needs to be
honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and consider each line - this is important
for
the test to work accurately.

**********************************

You're in Florida... In Miami, to be exact... There is great chaos
going
on around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods ...
There are huge masses of water forming devastating waves ...

You are a CNN photographer and you are in the middle of this great
disaster.

The situation is nearly hopeless - but you know that you will escape
alive.

You're trying to shoot very impressive photos.

There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing into the
water. Nature is showing all its destructive power, and is ripping
everything away with it.

Suddenly, you see a man in the water, and he is fighting for his life,
trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud.

You move closer.

Somehow the man looks familiar. And suddenly you know who it is - it's
George W. Bush!

At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him
away ... forever.

You have two options. You can try to save him or you can take the best
photo of your life. So, you can save the life of George W. Bush, or you
can
shoot a Pulitzer prize winning photo .

A unique photo displaying the death of one of the world's most powerful
men.

And here's the question: (Please give an honest answer)

*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
Would you select color film, or go with the simplicity of classic black
and
white?
 
#18
Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will never
hear!

The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots
and control towers from around the world.

1. While taxiing at London Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight
departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose
with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the
US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I
told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta!
Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference
between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever
to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you
to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour
and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how
I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control
communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing
of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground
controller in her current state of mind.

Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
=====================================
2. A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long
roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751,
make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you
are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at
the lights and return to the airport."
===================================================
3. From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm
f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f... ing bored, not f... ing stupid!"
===================================================
4. Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of
the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702,
contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from
Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and
yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers".
===================================================
5. The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.

So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the
following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British
Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206".

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not
been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 -- but I didn't land."
===================================================
6. O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic
is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the
little Fokker in sight."
===================================================
7. A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard
the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany.
Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war."
 
#19
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.

The barber, who is intrigued by this, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, what's so funny? Where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"
 
#20
The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The
announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK
Government's Youth Opportunity scheme and employ people from Liverpool.

The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from the Liverpool area were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of euros worth of high tech equipment.

Tony Blair went on record as saying this was a bold move by the Ferrari
management, which demonstrated the international recognition of the UK under New Labour.
As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari now have an advantage over every team. However, Ferrari may have got more than they bargained for.....

At the crew's first practice session, the Liverpool pit crew successfully
changed the tyres in under 6 seconds, and then within 12 seconds they had
re-sprayed, re-badged, and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for 8
bottles of Stella, a kilogram of speed and some photos of Coulthard's
bird in the shower.
 
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