"I was so pissed that..." Drink related tales.

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Johnny_Alpha, Apr 21, 2006.

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  1. Let me tell you something that happened to an ex Fusilier I know, who we’ll call Tony since that’s actually his name.

    Tony gets completely fcuked up on alcohol one night but happily has taken the precaution of bringing his car to the pub so he won’t have to stagger home pissed "like some scabby peasant".. Tony realises from the length of time it takes him to get the key in the car door that he’s totally hammered so he decides to offset this by wearing a seatbelt. No problem there then.

    Off he goes.
    At speed.

    As he drives along the main road he hears a loud bang from the front of the car and sparks start coming out of the engine. Tony has punched enough REME fitters to know that this is some sort of adverse mechanical effect that warrants investigation. Unfortunately when he tries to slow down and pull over he finds that not only are the brakes not working but the steering is also slow to respond. The car grinds to a halt by itself and on getting out Tony is quickly able to diagnose the fault.

    The vehicle is upside down.

    The loud bang was him mounting the kerb and flattening a bus stop (which luckily it being 0100, no one was standing at), the camber of the road then flipped the car onto its roof and the ‘sparks coming from the engine’ were in fact the bonnet grinding along the tarmac. Pressing the brake had indeed stopped the wheels from turning but given that they were all in the air, this sadly had little effect.

    Whilst Tony is surveying this scene and wondering when the ringing in his ears will stop, he realises that he is actually hearing police sirens. Tony now begins to sober up and realises that aside from the legal implications, the Mrs will literally kill him. Tony takes the executive decision to run away and hide until he sobers up (this takes two days) and is able to report the loss of his car keys.

    A salutary lesson to us all. Stand well back from the bl00dy bus stop, especially after midnight.
    In fact just drive, it's safer.
    But not whilst drunk obviously because that would be illegal.
    And don't do drugs.
  2. On a similar theme, a good friend of mine called lets say Dave (for its his name), had a penchant for drink driving. I know its not big or clever but fortunately the results were always spectacularly funny(and noone bar him was ever injured).

    The first incident saw Dave, rather drunk taking his car for a "spin" on Doncaster race course, now being p1ssed as a cnut, this was a little more difficult than it would be to your average jockey. So he decided to alter the cars aerodynamics which were the obvious coause of his difficulties. The only tool available however was a massive tree.

    On waking up several minutes later, Dave decided to do a runner. This was more easily said than done as Dave had a Broken leg, not from the accident, but from football the day previous. Indeed the leg was the reason he had a. brought his car out, b.decided not to drink that night. His trusty crutch was however nowhere to be seen.

    Dave must have completed the SAS escape and evasion course somewhere in his distant past so putting the lessons into practice he began to hop his getaway. This became difficult very quickly when Dave realised he had actually managed to break his other leg, this one in the crash.

    So dave began to kitten crawl his way home.

    2 hours later the police arrived at the car which had been reported, and by following the drag marks for a good 100 metres found a snoring Dave in the grass.

    A year later the driving ban ended. Dave decided to treat himself to a new car. To celebrate he got steaming and dissappeare, to his room.

    Fast forward an hour, I can hear a car revving outside the block and see the lights flickering, it looks like Daves car. I wobble outside to find Dave in the drivers seat,, with his seatbelt on trying to drive the car out of the carpark. Unfotunately he is unable to open his eyes due to beer overdose. And has managed to get it stuck against a wire mesh fence due to an unwise selection of 1st rather than reverse.

    Me "Dave, what are tyou doing?"

    'Going for a kebab'

    Me"But your eyes are closed, how will you see?"

    'Its ok, I know the way........'

    I was posted soon after, the guy just couldnt stop himself.
  3. When at my first unit in Germany, we used to knock off early on a friday and report to the Workshop bar on a friday afternoon for drinking activities....

    One friday, me and a few of the lads had moved on into town from the bar and were sat drinking to top up from the skinful of 30 pfennig bottles of becks we had consumed all afternoon in the bar...

    Cue the entry, rather hastily of one of the lads who preceded to down as many bottles, shorts and anything else he could get his hands on rather quickly....

    "whats wrong ernie?" we all ask (names changed to protect the innocent)

    "when i left the bar i decided to drive the car from the naafi to the block as id left it there at naafi break this morning" says ernie

    "whats the problem with that?" we all ask

    "well, i was going a bit too fast, misjudged my braking distances and slid on the wet cobbles on camp" says ernie

    "oh, and what happened?" says we

    "i put my car through the ASM's fence and into his garden" says he

    "oh dear, thats not at all good" says we

    "no, and the ASM's wife came out giving me rock all and i told her to Fcuk off"

    Cue my room door being booted down in the early hours by the RMP as he used to live in my room and they thought he still did....

    He got away with it, he was sober apparently when the accident happened officer, and had got drunk in the pub later :D
  4. ASS can i have your avator? you can get another one i can pretend that that one was always mine, its fecking brill.
    sorry about the diversion from the thread you can crack on now.
  5. Salamanca camp belize 1984
    just joined a new platoon after serving 6 months in Colchester.
    Spent all night in the Gym while remainder of platoon had a few beers and got thier heads down for an early night.
    Proceeded to naafi with fat mate from MT plt.
    Got pissed as c*nts ended up being the only 2 bods left in the bar.
    Smashed every beer glass, broke alot of tables and put a fair few windows through in sickening orgy of drunken outrage.
    Later got caught by the barrack guard throwing my hoop up in the latrines. Questioned by guard commander if I had been in Naafi , denied everything , went to bed had a w*nk.
    Woke up with the mother of all hangovers, all hell breaking loose in camp due to destruction of naafi.
    Previous nights guard commander pounces on another soldier in case of mistaken identity.Total confusion reigns.
    reluctantly come clean and admit my bad doings.
    Standing in front of CSM , still a bit drunk,the full horror of my actions dawning on me bit by horrifying bit..the broken glass, the smashed chairs, the vomiting on the latrines...there was something else but I just couldn't remeber what it was..I knew I had commited a further misdomeaner but couldn't think what....
    Old School CSM ' don't worry son we all do silly things , when i was a sgt in Hong Kong I went in the mess got rat arrsed then hacked a mahogonay table to pieces with the pioneers axe, just be a man and admit what you have done then we can fine and bollock you and get you back with your mates.Its no disgrace to get pissed and punchy you are a soldier after all...blah blah blah'
    Ah thinks me ! he is ok . I will admit i got p*ssed and broke a few glasses.
    Full confesion follows....
    CSM sits listening , nodding looking calm..
    CSM then fumbles under his desk and produces exhibit A- A standard naafi picture of HM queen , with broken frame fag hole burnt in the eyes and a dog end sticking through the picture where her mouth is...
    CSM to me 'Drunken Violence I can accept as being part of the life of a soldier, defacing an image of her majesty Is something i can never accept.....
    CSM explodes like Krak-a-f*cking-toa

    I recieved a huge fine, a thick ear and spent what seemed a life time doubling up a big hill with a bergan full of pebbles.
    Happy days . Really I mean it ...happy as starvation victim with a luncheon voucher.
  6. Lmao, keep em coming!
  7. Once upon a time...

    There was a lad in my battalion who after a night of hard drinking fell asleep in a (pad's old) armchair in the block, with his head back...

    Another lad (Who lives in the same room) then had a wan&, he shot his spvnk into sleeping buties (closed) eyes and went to bed... sleeper wakes up and can't open his eyes... Best part is that the whanker and his mates took "Money shot" pictures and showed them to everyone else.

    A civie friend has asked me "why would anyone in his right mind join the infantry and put up with that sh!t?"

    I replied "I don't know"

    At the time I was a crow getting bed beaten and running to the NAFFI 10 times a day to buy food for everyone...
  8. So last week then?

    Now get down the NAAFI and get me a crate and 2 growlers, here's 50p. AND I WANT CHANGE!

  9. old_fat_and_hairy

    old_fat_and_hairy LE Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    About a hundred years ago, when I was in my very early twenties, I went on a sailing trip from Kiel to Denmark. Ashore one night, I was in a pub, drinking draught Kronenburg, and it was a lot stronger than we were used to. Long story short, I got into a fight with a couple of locals. Was onto a good hiding, until I was knocked down, and they stood back to let me up. Now, this was most unlike squaddy rules, so I filled my boots. Until gendarmes arrived and led me back to boat.
    On return to Kiel, was met by loveable and rascally MPs, who took me back to Celle.
    Wheeled up next day in from of Colonel -at time a grey and humourless barsteward. RSm was very good, usual stuff. "Don't worry, I've been bust several times" etc. I was a Cpl. Cue march in, at max speed. Crashed to halt in fron t of C.O. On issue mat, small, scabby. Said mat, on highly polished floor. Result= me on back sliding under desk and looking up Colonels nose. Him having apoplexy, and swearing fit to bust. Spluttering and cursing, he fined me £25.
    RSM got my collar and dragged me on my back out of office. Told me I had been v lucky, and now was to fcuck off out of camp for 3 days until Col calmed down.
    Later told me C.O had intended to bust me.
    Bad, bad drink. Evil stuff.
  10. OFnH, you wasnt in the RA Sailing team 1980-85 were you? PM me if you was.
  11. In a club in Hildesheim and me and a few mates decided to do the row boat song championship rowing (oops upside your head). So the 4 of us got on the dancefloor and proceeded to row for our lives to the bemusement of the local hermans.

    Little did we know it was the super extended 12" version which meant that we all did in the region of 1000 sit ups, not good on a skinfull of lager, rhota grutzes, apfelcorn and the like. At the end of the song we all laid back cradling our guts and proceeded to fall asleep, still in the middle of the dancefllor. We stayed there for about an hour until we were woken up by the bouncers as the place was closing.

    Even better one was trying to steal the surviellance camera on the underpass next to the Commerzbank as we had had a piss and realised that it had 'seen us'. So we thought if we knicked it no-one would be the wiser! NEddless to say the polezei were at the top of the stairs waiting for us guns out. I am still waiting to see myself on police camera action.
  12. a few years ago our platoon went on on a drinking binge in downtown Belfast after a hard worked patrols rotation. we started as soon as the bars opened. it was about midnight when 4 of us decided to go home and 1 bright spark decided to drive...in a performance car. they were pulled over on the outskirts of Belfast(location withheld to protect id) by local ruc. he asked the driver to blow into the breathalizer. his answer was "what tune do you want officer?"..needless to say a night in the cells was his reward and lots of stick from the rest of us
  13. From „Tales of the Plastered”: by Burlington Claphanger

    One late evening at Harden Barracks, Oberkirchen, Sgt R***, who was DS at the time, decided to take a little trip to the legendary BMH Rinteln for a drink and a lech. Rinteln was only eight clicks away and the roads at that time (around 21:00 hours) were normally just about empty.

    He got totally Brahms and started to weave his merry way back, but in his jam-jar. Just before Steinbergen, he was stopped by a patrol car of the Kraut Old Bill, who wanted to make him aware that one of his backlights wasn’t working. Sgt R*** spoke passable Kraut and he could more than hold his drink (he was a Jock, after all). So he thanked the hossifers and started to close the window.

    But Krauts being Krauts and teutonically efficient, one of them said: “If you’d just like to take a look, sir”, and opened the driver’s door. Unfortunately, the driver’s door was the only thing holding Sgt R*** upright and he immediately fell out onto the road. The Monkeys were called and it all went rather sad for Sgt R*** for a while. But he got over it eventually.

  14. Lad's, I have to come clean here! Fir afternoon, Munsterlager around 1976 AD. After doing a pack lift on the ABBOTT me and my Scouse mucker were invited into the Wksp bar for a few! Well around 17:00hrs and hungry as feck we decided better get back and have tea then hit the Bty Bar. Now those that know Munsterlager will realise that the Wksps were outside camp on the range road only about 1km but we said fweck that and hopped into a Bty ferret awaiting collection, me driving Scouse commanding away we went. Through the back gate no guard and into the car park and the Bty office wall, shit says i by this time scouse was away and in his bed pretending to kip while i try and get out and join him in the room, about 15mins later ROS and Gd arrive, No Bty bar that weekend Fella. God i loved that camp.