I'll sponsor you! Have you got a JustGiving page? If not just send me your bank details including your pin and security code and i will send £5 for whatever charity you are raising money for! I will! Honest...
From the Desk of Lt Gen Air
Chief of the General Staff
Ministry of Defence
Dear Mr Hammond
I am the recently deposed Minister of Defence of Ghana. As you are no doubt knowing, Ghana has some of the finest soldiers in the world. I know that the ARRSE website's African Soldier of the Year feature has shown just how good this continent's soldiers are in the combat. Sadly, all of the best soldiers have lost their jobs during the latest coup which saw me leaving the esteemed post of Minister of Defence. But, I am assuring you that all these soldiers are loyal to me and have made me the President in Exile in my Villa. But I cannot contain all these fine fellows in the grounds. So, I am in the position to send you 5000000 (FIVE MILLION) troops for your sadly depleted army, if only you will do this favour for me.
When they reach the United Kingdom of England, I will come there immediately and you will keep 4000000 (FOUR MILLION) of them to yourself and I will take the remaining 1000000 (ONE MILLION) to train them under my command to retake the Republic of Ghana from the despicable men who have robbed it from our glorious democracy and so bring peace to our beautiful country.
If you wish to enter into such a mutually agreeable accord with me, I will need a sum of money to send the 5000000 (FIVE MILLION) troops to you. Please send me the Bank Account Number and the Sort Code of your esteemed and fearsome Ministry of Defence so that I may send the troops to you as expeditiously as possible.
Please so not tell anyone else about this offer, since such mutually beneficial accords may be misinterpreted by many envious eyes.
My father is a very, very, VERY impotent Admiral. Have you considered a career in the Royal Navy rather than the Royal Army?
The Senior Service currently has openings for:-
Splash target coxswains (would suit ambitious midshipman)
Personnel officers with mass redundancy experience
Warfare specialists who can put the "miss" in "missile"
Bitter, bearded, slightly mental ex Harrier pilots who can say "We'd never get the Falklands back now" continuously
Experienced submarine riders (extra seniority if you've got to level 5 on Crash Bandicoot on PlayStation)
Combat field telephone sanitisers and naked roll mat fighters (RM only)
Sky pilots willing to go on exchange with the US Navy for the next 10 years and say "Yee ha, Jester's dead" a lot.