I Suddenly Appear To Be Married!

maninblack

LE
Book Reviewer
#1
Last week Wifeinblack decided that she was going to plan all the meals for the next week.

Last night she cooked a grown up meal that we all sat down and ate…as a family!

This morning I was told, as I was leaving, that my lunch was in a bag by the front door; I just opened the bag to see a big bowl of a nice homemade vege/tomato/bulgar with fennel seeds soup that tastes much better than it sounds, three small pitta breads, a bag of crisps, some olives and a choccy biccie.

I appear to suddenly have a real wife.

Can anybody advise me what is happening?
 
#6
OldSnowy said:
Sounds like Guilt to me....
Definitely.

Any of the domestic sex that suddenly becomes so obliging is probably trying to hide a large fellow called "Winston" who is performing acts of outright depravity on her whilst you are tucking into your soup.

I say shoot her, just to be on the safe side.
 
#7
The next Phase will be you losing the control of the TV remote ............. game over!
 
#8
maninblack said:
Last week Wifeinblack decided that she was going to plan all the meals for the next week.

Last night she cooked a grown up meal that we all sat down and ate…as a family!

This morning I was told, as I was leaving, that my lunch was in a bag by the front door; I just opened the bag to see a big bowl of a nice homemade vege/tomato/bulgar with fennel seeds soup that tastes much better than it sounds, three small pitta breads, a bag of crisps, some olives and a choccy biccie.

I appear to suddenly have a real wife.

Can anybody advise me what is happening?
So she wasn't doing this before? You weren't disciplining her enough.
 

maninblack

LE
Book Reviewer
#9
So, the jury are getting suspicious.....but is it enough to convict without catching a whiff of Winston's armpits in the bedroom and finding out that I suddenly don't touch the sides?

I tried the discipline route but she cut up rough about running up and down the street with an 18lb shell case above her head.
 
#12
Is she doing anything else out of character? Is she sprucing up the house (getting broody) or herself (getting restless) ?
Has she just had a significant birthday, lost a loved one, or made a new (influential) friend?
Or has she started eating coal and sardine smoothies?

I almost forgot this one, have you just invested in a years supply of viagra? :wink:
 
#14
maninblack said:
Yes, she is taking a great interest in all matter domestic. do you think I should be worried in case she lays any eggs?
All depends MIB, if they're unfertilised you could be in banjo heaven, but if you have a cuckoo in your nest aka Winston, you may want to consider marit/infanticide.
 
#15
maninblack said:
This morning I was told, as I was leaving, that my lunch was in a bag by the front door; I just opened the bag to see a big bowl of a nice homemade vege/tomato/bulgar with fennel seeds soup that tastes much better than it sounds, three small pitta breads, a bag of crisps, some olives and a choccy biccie.
The flavor of fennel and olives are quite strong, and could be used to mask the taste of any number of poisonous household chemicals.

Perhaps you've just left the toilet seat up one too many times?
 
#16
Run, don't feck around - if your sh1t is together you won't even finish reading this post. Grab your qrf kit and do one to your nearest mate's house, pausing only to inform him by mobile that OPs IMMINENT FOETUS and MARITAL SPITROAST are in effect and setting the timers on the anti-forensic incendiary devices you wisely pre-positioned at the beginning of the relationship.

When you get to your mate's place, sh@g the best looking thing you can find at short notice. Make sure she's better looking than your wife. Worry not about personality, sexual prowess or pulse, just do her and take a picture.

This will enable you to deal with the 3 most likely scenarios you now face:

1) She is sh@gging someone else. Sorry, but when your wife starts treating you with kindness/respect and the sex gets better, she is getting poopy love from a stranger. If you didn't know that already, you shouldn't have got married.

2) If it's just the kindness/helpfulness that has increased, and the sex remains no more than silent, hurried affairs on a friday night before "Max and Paddy's Road to Nowhere" starts, and half-arrsed birthday blowjobs that leave you wishing that blokes could fake orgasms, then she isn't sh@gging someone else, but she wishes she were. Other indicators will be a previous (2 weeks ago?) propensity to mention a male work colleague's name more than seems appropriate in normal conversation - this habit will have just stopped dead about 3/4 days ago. Ask her how <Insert Name Here> is getting on and she will answer "Who?" Pop psychologists call this 'Mentionitis,' I just call it the inescapable torment of good ole catholic guilt, it's not a problem unless it stops suddenly - soon after the cessation of mentionitis, marital sex inexplicably gets much better...

3) If she's not being any nicer to you, just doing what she deems a good wife would do (ie a woman's version of what a good wife would do, not the S&M bukkake parties that consists the man's version), she want's kids/is up the duff.

Whichever it is, the daunting realisation of your plight will be easier to handle if you've just got your rocks off with a stranger. The photo will be handy to leave around should wife exhibit "Classic Signs That She's Doing her Boss" numbers 3 and 4:

1. Increased affection/kindness/helpfulness
2. Better sex
3. New hairstyle
4. Re-emergence of decent underwear/procurement of new sexy underwear.

Get your retaliation in early.
 
#18
RTFQ said:
1) She is sh@gging someone else. Sorry, but when your wife starts treating you with kindness/respect and the sex gets better, she is getting poopy love from a stranger. If you didn't know that already, you shouldn't have got married.
Interesting but not always the case. The current Mrs Cuddles displays signs of kindness/respect when very drunk for example while the first Mrs Cuddles who got poopy love from a so-called friend for five years, NEVER showed me kindness or respect! Though she did briefly prepare me packed lunches...

Interestingly I sat down to lunch with both current and former Mrs Cuddles and an ex-shag on Sunday. Now how bizarre is this to have had carnal knowledge of every woman in the room? I had a completely unexpected insight into what being a mormon patriarch must be like!
 

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