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I never thought it would happen to me!

#1
I went for a beer last night. It was quite late, about 10pm but a mate of mine has just come back from New Zealand for a few weeks and I was hoping to catch up with him in the pub. Anyway when I got there, he wasn't there and I settled down at the bar for a couple of beers on my own.

After five minutes of a bit of a chat with a couple of the bar staff, I noticed this chap who was obviously the worse for wear came bowling out of the restaurant part of the pub and somehow ended up right next to me at the bar. That was a clever manouver on his part because I was the only person at the bar. He had a choice another twenty foot of bar space to land at but he was there stood right next to me.

I ignored the bloke while he ordered a drink for himself and then without any encouragement from me, he started telling me how he had been in the Navy. It was a surreal experience because at this stage, I hadn't even acknowledged that he was even in the room!

Anyway after informing me that he had been in the navy, he then started to tell me how he had served as an armed policeman for a long time after his time in the mob and was now in the immigration service and the party tonight was his leaving do. He then got onto the juicy bit about how he had been on the helicopter that flew to Chile/Argentina on a covert operation. All pretty weird really because I still hadn't actually spoken at all to him.

So there our hero was on the helicopter to Chile/Argentina and when they landed there, they destroyed a few super etendards which helped to end the war and then he hot footed it across the border to Chile.

My only interaction with this bloke so far had been to glance at him once or twice while he regaled me with his tale of heroic endevours on all our behalves down south.

At this point, he seemed to notice that I had not said anything so he said, "well mate, whats your story". He's obviously a mind reader because as I previously said, I hadn't spoken a word to him never mind tell him that I had been in the mob at some stage in my life.

Anyway seeing as he asked, I just said, I had six years in the infantry, two as a boy soldier and four years in a battalion where I'd been across the water on three occasions. He asked where in Ireland so I said , Belfast the first time, Armagh the second time and back to Belfast for the third and last time.

"Oh yeah", he said, "Omaha, I've been there as well. I spent quite a bit of time in Omaha doing a bit of this and a bit of that". I said to him, um, do you mean Armagh? Anyway thankfully, at this stage, a woman and a bloke came out from the restaurant looking for him, colleagues from the immigration service and they very welcomely took his attention. Ten minutes later, a cab came along and took him off home wherever that is.

I was having a bit of a laugh to myself and even the barman who had been earwigging said to me "Omaha!", what's he on? Apart from being an amusing interlude in what was a fairly mundane evening, it was just very strange. A complete stranger had just walked up to me in a pub I've been drinking in for thirty years without any invitation whatsoever and given me a real walt story. I even did wonder for a few brief seconds whether some arrsers had set me up!

Anyway, on the off chance that my new friend and walting twat haunts arrse and reads the walt posts, if you were in the Red Lion last night, that was me you were talking to, you walting twat.
 
C

cloudbuster

Guest
#6
Do you find that, when travelling on an otherwise empty bus you invariably find that a nutter sits next you?
 
#7
Did your kiwi dwelling mate turn up?
No, I've gotta ring another mate and get his new phone number. He's been living in New Zealand with his Kiwi missus for the last year and has come over for three weeks to catch up. He's rented his place here out so he's stopping with his mum and I don't know where she lives now. I'll see him this week sometime.
 
#10
I caught a gleamer in a shitty nightclub in Widnes one night many many moons ago. The Landmark.

Brother Slug and I took my mum out and we got her absolutely twatted and tried to sell her to 19 year olds. He was still in the Army at the time and we are a pair of bastards when we're together, so we decided to "Grab a Grot".

After palming off the Mother Slug onto some spotty youth to do her 1970's grooves, we selected our targets. He got some right fatty fatty 2x4, and I selected a tattooed cheesedick.

To a bit of Rick Astley, I asked him what he did.

"I'm a PARA in the Army"

Ching ching.

Me: "Where are you based now?"

Him: "Belfast"

I then went through all the shit questions (bearing in mind I was based at Aldergrove at the time).

Me: "Belfast? It's good for shopping isn't it?"

Him: "How do you know that?"

Me: "I was there last weekend, you fucking idiot".

I didn't pull that night, nor did our kid, but we had to peel the yoofs off my mum.

I think that's where he learnt how to spark someone out with one punch.
 

TheIronDuke

ADC
Book Reviewer
#12
if you were in the Red Lion last night, that was me you were talking to, you walting twat.
Could have bought me a drink you fucking cheapskate.

Am I alone in finding these characters fascinating? You are siting there like rgjbloke, minding your own business then some fucker rocks up and regails you with what they did in Nam?

It has happened to me all around the place and I will listen quietly. Until I get bored or the car turns up. I fucking love Walts I do.
 
#13
I caught a gleamer in a shitty nightclub in Widnes one night many many moons ago. The Landmark.

Brother Slug and I took my mum out and we got her absolutely twatted and tried to sell her to 19 year olds. He was still in the Army at the time and we are a pair of bastards when we're together, so we decided to "Grab a Grot".

After palming off the Mother Slug onto some spotty youth to do her 1970's grooves, we selected our targets. He got some right fatty fatty 2x4, and I selected a tattooed cheesedick.

To a bit of Rick Astley, I asked him what he did.

"I'm a PARA in the Army"

Ching ching.

Me: "Where are you based now?"

Him: "Belfast"

I then went through all the shit questions (bearing in mind I was based at Aldergrove at the time).

Me: "Belfast? It's good for shopping isn't it?"

Him: "How do you know that?"

Me: "I was there last weekend, you fucking idiot".

I didn't pull that night, nor did our kid, but we had to peel the yoofs off my mum.

I think that's where he learnt how to spark someone out with one punch.
Ahh the Landmark. I used to try to get in there before I was old enough and always got id'd. First weekend after basic I went in, got id'd and told to FO as they didn't let soldiers in. Fun the next week though as I trapped off with some old gimmer our with her kids!! ;)
 
#14
Ahh the Landmark. I used to try to get in there before I was old enough and always got id'd. First weekend after basic I went in, got id'd and told to FO as they didn't let soldiers in. Fun the next week though as I trapped off with some old gimmer our with her kids!! ;)
There was a gobshite ex-RAF bloke who used to be a bouncer at Players at well.

He tried to boot us out because our mate was sniffing Olbas Oil.

"I was an RAF Policeman don't you know?"

No, fuck off, we don't care either, we're both in the Army and you're a right fat cunt".

One ex RAF copper on the floor with JUST ONE HIT, and a taxi for the Sluggo and his sister. I think I left my coat there.
 
#16
I went for a beer last night. .............. Anyway, on the off chance that my new friend and walting twat haunts arrse and reads the walt posts, if you were in the Red Lion last night, that was me you were talking to, you walting twat.
The thing is, if you're dressed like this what do you expect?

 

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