I need to run this by you..

[wheelchairwarrier]

I dare not consult Mrs WW about this because a, she would disapprove, b, is female.
We have been invited to a festive cheese and wine “do” by the most obnoxious twat that ever walked this earth , the cnut always makes a big thing about my disability, and is over the top in trying to accommodate me, I feel it is time to exact some revenge. By chance the patronizing git is a wine buff and will always give his considered opinion on the wine you bring along, usually talking it down.
So I intend this year to take a bottle of white wine ( this is my extent of my expertise apart from the alcohol percentage ) remove the labels and replace the cork with an unbranded one thus passing it off as home made. Hopefully when he approved of this tipple I can announce that it is in fact my very own fermented urine,and pray he chokes on it.
Now I need to know , is this childish and silly , regretfully I am unable to beat seven barrels out of him so this is my alternative, and what wine would be suitable, he likes “fruity and full bodied “ ( I do too but only in women (fat chance!!))
WW

 

[call_me_jack]

Why not use real pi$$?

 

[EX_STAB]

How much better will you feel if you trick him? Why not just tell him he's an arrse and don't bother going.

Cheers,

Ex STAB

 

[buggrit]

Would love to help but my expertise in wines goes as far as "Thats cheap...AND it gets you pished!!! Bargain!"

Why not get a bottle of Leibfraumilch, drink half, refill with your finest urine and go for that?

 

[wheelchairwarrier]

said cnut is Mrs WW's boss sort an obligation to go , but may just get doubley legless and then tell him he's an arrse, would real pi$$ have the right boquet (sp) ?
WW

 

[call_me_jack]

Would love to help but my expertise in wines goes as far as "Thats cheap...AND it gets you pished!!! Bargain!"

Why not get a bottle of Leibfraumilch, drink half, refill with your finest urine and go for that?

My german isn't very good but...

Leib-frau-milch

Love-Woman-Milk????


Is that really what it translates to? Does it contain woman jizz?

 

[buggrit]

Virgins Milk, a Leibfrau's a virgin. Its good cheap sweet tasting plonk

 

[Praetorian]

Would love to help but my expertise in wines goes as far as "Thats cheap...AND it gets you pished!!! Bargain!"

Why not get a bottle of Leibfraumilch, drink half, refill with your finest urine and go for that?

My german isn't very good but...

Leib-frau-milch

Love-Woman-Milk????


Is that really what it translates to? Does it contain woman *?

I think its more to do with being the favourite drink of women.

But you're right, it is Love Woman Mik.

 

[BlackHand]

Would love to help but my expertise in wines goes as far as "Thats cheap...AND it gets you pished!!! Bargain!"

About on par with my knowledge of wine - I can tell red from white, sometimes with my eyes shut

 

[old_bloke]

Great, try out a "Serena" , BANFI sauvignon blank (2005) IT .

Nice enough wine,sweet and to another non wine drinker - white or red is OK by me.

It does taste of elderflower wine AKA my mum made in 1985 but is really a qualty wine. The books quote crap like that blond tart on the food programme (who ended up eating kangarooo-cock in the jungle)

It has the smell of plums and fresh fish with a tint of raspberry and red stag scent. CraPP.

If you can get it put it in an older green bottle for the tasting.

(And piss in it).

 

[spike7451]

Get a bottle of rot gut wine from Lidls! I got given a damaged bottle a few weeks back (label was torn off) & trust me,it's rough!!!! You could use it as paint stripper & it gave me a hangover like I'd been on a ARRSE crawl!!
On sort of the same thread,One of my uncles used to pop into my Dads on the way home from the shooting club & have a dram with Dad.I was home on leave once & he popped round,Dad offered him a dram & my uncle said "As long as it's not that cheap stuff like that Stewarts Cream of the Barley",hinting to Dad to get out the Malt. Unfortunatly,Dad only drank the Stewarts brand & when Dad gave him the glass,My uncle remarked "That's a nice drop,is it **********?"
What made it more satisfying was when ever Dad went down to my uncles,not once in over 30 years did my uncle offer my Dad a drink other than tea!!!
Smack it to the smug bastward,WW.
Good luck!

 

[Nicko]

Why not create 6 or 7 half-brews and take them down your local naafi, I'm sure the lads down there would be more than happy to try them out for you.

 

[filthyphil]

If he's into guessing vintages, give him a sip of your own p1ss then ask "Now how old am I, cnut?

 

[leveller]

Get him a bottle of 'Buckfast', decant it into a good red wine bottle and get him to prattle on about warm berry's and oak scents an other sh*te, then tell him "well a million jocks cant be wrong", I know he wants white, but say you picked up this cheeky little number that seems popular.

Alternativly do the same with a bottle of Black Tower, decanted into a good white wine bottle and listen to him make an arse of himself?

 

[smallbore]

More subtlety required.

The point is that you want something that he knows nothing about and you can giggle about if for years afterwards, every time you meet him again.

Buy two bottles of wine from the same vineyard - one old and expensive and one new and cheaper.

Open old expensive bottle and enjoy it.

Second cheaper bottle - use a glass cutter to break off the neck and then smash the glass around the cork. (Drink half the wine). Preserve the foil carefully-forgot to mention it earlier.

You want a cork from the second bottle with the Chateaux name printed on it BUT no hole through the middle made by a corkscrew. (And the foil top). Hence the second bottle.

Take the expensive empty bottle, re-fill with mixture of your choice, re-cork with pristine cork (the one which is printed with chateau name but has no hole through the middle) and replace foil top.

Present expensive bottle of apparently excellent wine to your host and giggle for years afterwards, knowing what he drank.

 

[Infiltrator]

Alternativly, just take a bottle of Blue Nun, then stay all night drinking the expensive stuff. At the end of the night call him a tw@t, thank him for all the pricey stuff and foxtrot oscar!

 

[putteesinmyhands]

Purchase three bottles of red wine of varying degrees of price, ensuring that one (and only one) is screw-topped and another is ridiculously expensive. Also buy a bottle of white wine - your favourite.

Drink the entire contents of the white wine bottle and clean the bottle thoroughly, removing the label and ensuring the bottle is dry, inside and out.

Decant the medium-priced red wine into the white wine bottle and thoroughly clean the empty red wine bottle as above.

Decant the cheap wine into the empty bottle and clean the newly-emptied bottle.

Decant the expensive wine into the cheap bottle and clean the newly-emptied bottle.

Decant the cheap wine into the expensive bottle.

Number the bottles 1, 2 and 3. 1 will have the cheap wine in an expensive bottle. 2 will have the expensive wine in a cheap, screw-topped bottle. 3 will have the medium-priced wine in a white wine bottle.

Drink half a glass of wine from each bottle and replace the corks on the corresponding bottles.

Turn up at the do, explaining to the wine gourmet that you'd welcome his opinion of the wines as you've had a taste of each (thereby explaining the tampering of the corks) and can't decide which is most appropriate for the occasion.

If he correctly identifies the contents of the bottles, be impressed and swallow your pride.

If, as I suspect, he gets it wrong, say nothing until the end of the evening, though you could occasionally slip and call him Walter. As you leave, explain what you did. You probably won't get another invite.

I've suggested using red wine because all wine walts claim it's better than white, though personally I've not come across one that doesn't taste like vinegar. (I may not know good wine, but I know what I like - mmmm, Spaetlese).

Incidentally, to correct an earlier post, German for virgin is Jungfrau, not Liebfrau.

 

[Its_a_troop!!]

Wife says its=

nice lady milk!

troop

 

[heythrop]

W.W.
If it is worth spending about forty quid on to really blow the bloke's cover, then I suggest a bottle of very good Chablis from a good wine merchant. (PM me if you want a suggestion as to the Chablis).

Then a bottle of cheap white rot gut.

Soak labels off bottles.

Put rot gut label on bottle of good Chablis. You might have to remove the foil from neck of bottle so as he can't identify it that way.

Have the good Chablis label in your pocket when you hand over bottle with the rot-gut label but with the real stuff in the bottle.

Hopefully he will distainfully pour scorn on it when he sees the label, but watch his face change change when he tasts the chilled contents.

You can now tell him there are only a few cartons of that in the store where you bought it from. Get him to order a couple of cartons at the dirt cheap price whilst stocks last. Encourage him to invite his friends round for a tasting of the dream bargain he has picked up.
That should finish his reputation for ever. At worst you have got him to buy two cartons of rubbish.

If he does twig on, then treat it as a joke, tell him you knew he would, being the expert he is, and give him the good label, but try not to say "I hope it chokes you"

 

[the_butler]

There are some really good suggestions here so I won't make any but I can offer tips on removing the cork undamaged.
Seals on some wine bottles can be removed by gripping it in your hand and gently twisting and then replaced and squeezed back into shape once the deed is done.
The cork can be removed in two ways causing no damage.
1. The Sneaky Butler or French prong.

2. By far the cheapest method and employed by myself on many occasion when in the field The Bootlace. I was going to make a spiffing diagram but I found a site that shows you howopen bottle with string
This and a pair of tights for filtering coffee have got me out of no end of jams catering for officers in the field. Never could get a way around forgetting the napkins though
If you are stuck for a wine try tesco wine club they deliver and the site explains the flavours in no nonsense terms
tesco wine club
Found a label for you too