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"I instantly fell back on my training"

I keep one eye shut when I put the toilet light on if I go for a leak in the night. My army training in maintaining night vision kicks in. It means I have to go back to bed with a wet ankle and smelling slightly of urine but at least I don’t fall down the stairs.

Piss in the shower without switching on the light. Wazzing in the soap dish can cause problems next time you ablute though, so try to lean forward with one hand on the wall and force your erection down through the horizontal to avoid problems.
 
Just the other week I nipped out at lunchtime to buy a postcard and on my way I deviated from my journey and nipped into the pub for a swift half. 16 pints of Guinness and a vindaloo later I found myself waking up in the early hours of the morning in a strange house, entangled in the slumbering arms of an ugly, fat, rock-cruncher.

As my foggy brain slowly began to clear I discovered that I had grand-slammed her pit. My training kicked in and using my ninja-like skills I deftly extricated myself from the hideous Gorgon-like form before me, a sight so abominable and grotesque that it would even make ScaleyAlbereto's stomach turn. Rummaging around in her purse I found £20 for a taxi and made myself scarce.

I never did get my postcard but at least my iPod was safe.
 
Just the other week I nipped out at lunchtime to buy a postcard and on my way I deviated from my journey and nipped into the pub for a swift half. 16 pints of Guinness and a vindaloo later I found myself waking up in the early hours of the morning in a strange house, entangled in the slumbering arms of an ugly, fat, rock-cruncher.

True dit. Remember in the old days where you didn’t get your whole pay but some of it was held in “credit” to be payed to you when you went on leave? One Christmas one of our lads collected his credits and set off for Aldershot station but nipped into the pub for a quick pint. He woke up next day back in the block surrounded by several hundred pounds worth of Scalextric. Hey ho, Christmas in the block.
 
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Years ago, Alan was tasked by his wife to get rid of the stupid bedroom ceiling finish, I do not even remember it's named now. anyway, he lay down on the carpet, looking up at the problem, then woke up two hours later.
 
The other morning someone cut me up as I was driving to work. Instantly the old ways kicked in and I called him a ******* ****. While sat behind my wheel.

Rosemary West:
Stationed in Gloucester I would on days off work for a window cleaner, from the swimming baths looking out on to Barton Street there was a pretty girl in one of those yellow plastic macs that were popular in the 60s, we both smiled at her and she opened up her mac to show she only had a bra and panties on, oh and stockings.
Brian said to me 'That's Fred west's girlfriend (about 1968, she was young then)
 
I remember the time, in the middle of the night, still as pissed as a fart, when I staggered to the bog for a piss, only to find my wife already in there.

Luckily my army training kicked in and when I got back to the bed I just relieved myself onto the mattress.

Her side only, obviously.
 
Does a husband coming home to find you hanging out the back of his wife count. The military training saw me jumping from a third floor balcony legging it home with just boxer shorts and wallet.
 
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