I got mugged behind a gay bar. How do I explain myself?

Discussion in 'The Intelligence Cell' started by Placebo, Jun 24, 2013.

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  1. So I was walking down a dark alley minding my own business when I was accosted by some thugs. Happily, I managed to dispatch of them in short order. But not before I got clobbered on the head with a beer bottle which necessitated an overnight stay at the local emergency room.

    The next Monday I walked into my place of employment and had to recount the tale to my admiring audience when some jackass asked the inconvenient question: "Isn't that right behind that gay bar?"

    Needless to say it is. The scene of my now alleged mugging is also in the gay district. I wasn't there for any "queer" reasons but the cut down the alley would have ensured I made the bus on time. Now, seems to me, everybody thinks I was up (or down) to no good.

    What to do?
  2. Ask him how would he ******* know that and tell him to **** off back to the blue oyster with his assless chaps, the front bottom

    Edit oh come on, why is this not in the naafi?

    Sent from my HTC Wildfire S A510e using ARRSE mobile app
    • Like Like x 3
  3. wink at him often, buy him a set of multi coloured hankies, a copy of Wizard of Oz and ask quietly have you found Dorothy?

    Village people t shirts are good,

    or failing that be proud of your heterosexuality as you have done nowt wrong, and if you was homosexual you still have not done nowt wrong. Its not illegal.
    • Like Like x 1
  4. Raise a complaint with your employers against this individual for inappropriate remarks.

    If that doesn't work then bugger him until he admits you aren't really a batty boy
  5. Strangely enough, loads of straight people drink & socialise in gay bars (or so I'm told).


    Why is the spell checker on here set to septic?
  6. Simple , mate. Ride it out and dress like Rambo to work. If all else fails, ride a bloke and dress like Graham Norton. Glad to help, no fee.
  7. Fess up. Tell them that because because you're so manly, it's not enough to screw your way through the entire local population of women; to feel sated, you have to smash all the local benders too. That's what a REAL man does.
    • Like Like x 1
  8. Since you refer to 'Emergency Room' and 'Gay District' you're almost certainly a septic, in which case this is quite normal behaviour. Please jog on and 'Have A Nice Day, Y'All!!!'
  9. Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhh, so you say.

    Did you refuse to pay?
  10. Pfft..

    1/ For a start, you shouldn't have bragged. If you MUST brag, you should have considered your location before bumping your gums.

    2/ I drink in a gay bar. My mate owns Taurus bar in Manchester, so I call in if I'm in town. I meet some great people there (by no means all of them gay) I'm perfectly open about it and while some of my mates are a bit baffled why a straight man drinks in a gay bar, no-one has ever said a ******* word to me about it. I'm my own man, [cliche] I'm comfortable with who I am [/cliche] and I don't give a belt fed **** what anyone might say about my choices in life.
    • Like Like x 1
  11. It doesn't make you a bad person / colonial.
  12. Being a Colonial does make you a bad person, unfortunately.
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  13. Depends. How roughly were you rogered?
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  14. HHH

    HHH LE

    The Spell-checker will be part of your Browser so you will need to change it to "English" English in your browser settings or you might have to install an add on dictionary.
  15. And having a penis rammed up your colon makes you a very unfortunate person. Like to OP perhaps in this case.