I dont belive you just said that!

What is the most imbecilic comment or instruction you have heard or been given? I only ask as this evening a memory from GW1 popped into my head from nowhere. It was during the air war phase and my job was as a glorifies taxi driver taking senior officers from one location to another then picking up others and doing the same. I had taken a Lt Col to an airstrip in the midlle of God-knows-where in the pitch balck at 3am to meet DLB's private jet as he had some important meeing to attend nearby. As I was sat next to my Landcruiser a RAF sgt stuck his head out of the plane and called me over. He then came out with the following line. 'Can you get me some coffee? We've run out you see and the boss likes to keep his mug full, Nescafe if you can get it would be good.'
I think he was quite dissapointed when I had to give the facts to him.
Range stint in falklands, generator went t1ts up..... 2nd lt clueless, "er yes, Pomps? run and fetch a REME type to fix that will you" 42 persons staing in 40 ft containers on range, all infantry - none had recently passed acme genny fix part I or II.
Doing a demo with a Chieftain AVLB....bridge launched but still connected to the panzer...YO asks a corker of a question..."doesn't the tank get in the way when other vehicles want to cross the bridge?"grrrrrrrrrrrrr :evil: :evil:
On Exercise just before GW1. CSM hears a noise and bellows at the top of very loud sergeant major's voice "Shut up, you're supposed to be fcuking tactical".

Same Ex - same CSM: "You cnuts want to go to the Middle East. You couldn't go to Middle Fcuking Wallop". Quite amusing the first time. Starting to grate by the 15th.
Mount Kent ... 1990.

doing the accomodation upgrade for the assorted moon eyed scope watchers who lived up there.

A plane from A.N. other south American airline had to get special permission to land at MPA due to mechanical problems...

one of the scopeys in the bar was heard to utter the immortal line

"do you think there'll be any mail for us on it?" :D
Sarajevo, 2002.

Discussing the progress of the World Cup, one of the RAF females pipes up saying how suprised she was that France lost to Serbia.

When it was pointed out to her that they in fact lost to Senegal, she then replied "Oh, how silly of me. Serbia isn't even a real country!"

Cue much pointing out that Serbia was only 80 miles up the road, and was half the reason we were in Bosnia in the first place!

Got £10 from FHM for that one :D
I played for a civvy footy team in Blandford and we had our Player of the Year awards and got some business sorted out. Noel, our keeper and local pointyhead carrot cruncher "We've sorted alot of stuff out - we should have an AGM every month!"
At a football match with missus E. (her first one) Match had been underway about 5 mins when she piped up with "when does the commentator start speaking then?"


A couple of silly ones for you

Saying 'I guess the reason that John Lenin/Lennon wrote 'Revolution' (i.e the beatles song) was because he was a bolshevik' then having to stop somebody as they tried to explain that Vladimir and John were two different people.

also saying 'Is Xenophobia/Zenophobia a fear of buddhists?' then again having to stop them as they tried to explain the difference to me.

But then what would I know I'm stupid, or at least I must look like I am :twisted:
On a Battle Camp, 1983 in Belgium at te ranges in Leoplodsburg we were being briefed for the Battle Innoculation Range where you crawl towards a series of machine guns firing live ammo over your head on a fixed mount, anyway the belgoon Captain is briefing us not to stand up (!) and says "There are pits with batsims in so crawl along the deweeded paths" In a thick flemish accent. Cue cocky 2i/c Sqn (Scottish Laird and utter arrse) "Actually its pronounced "divided" " The Belgoon comes back "Actually it's pronounced"deweeded" as your soldiers have to crawl down the paths that we have taken the weeds from......... This in front of the whole Sqn ! Even the SSM was laughing so much he couldn't grip us.
On Ex with the Belgians and they'd had a logistics problem, leaving them with no rations for the day.

Sharing a boil-in-the-bag pasta & meatballs, the BC's Ack said "try these mate, they're the dogs boll*cks".

Belgique: "very niiiice. Which part of ze dog are zey?"
Christmas '88 in Bielefeld when they only let half of the unit go home at Xmas due to the 3rd Shock Army lurking not to far away we had occupied the NAFFI bar with plans to go en-masse to the Garrison church for midnight mass with tinsel wrapped around our heads and covered in spray on snow and clutching beer, when one of our members pipes up 'What times midnight mass then?'. He has never been allowed to forget it to this day.
I have heard the following question more times than I want to remember.

On ex/ops and even during open day prep.

Have heard it from all ranks from LtCol down to Pte and it is always the same.

"How big is a 9 by 9 tent then"?

Aarrgh :)
I was once asked by a Royal Signals Officer (My CorpsFFS) " What number do you dial to get level 9 access !
anything out of my mouth is usually pritty dumb
Antrim 2003.

A young female Troopy whilst doing some in camp Snatch training (you can guess where this is going now), was heard to shout at the top of her voice "hurry up and get into the vehicles, come on, I can fit at least another 2 of you into my snatch" !!!
while on an exercise somewhere in germany a load of us stopped off for some scoff , the 2ic sqn (female) was sat in the front of the landrover began cleaning her hands using a wet wipe , turned to me and said "isnt it amazing how much sh!t you accumulate under your ring"cue :eek:ne pringle spattered windscreen and much p1sstaking at any oppurtunity.
Not too long ago (about 6 months) somebody who shal remain nameless was getting ready for a recce and was looking at a trimmed laminated map sheet with some constenation.
"What's the matter Ginge?"
"I hate it when they trim the edges off the map.... I can't see where North is on here." Followed by the silence as he looked up with that look as if to say 'I hope nobody noticed that'!

We did :lol:
RA camp, 1989, Topcliffe, North Yorkshire. Fat RP Bombardier tasked by RSM to check every tannoy speaker in camp works. Idle RP has great idea to stop doing a walk around:

(over the tannoy) "Listen in. listen in, this is a test of the tannoy, should you not hear this then you are to ring the gurdroom on ext xxxx)

followed by a howl of laughter throughout the camp.... :lol:

Similar threads

Latest Threads