I can’t stand xmas anymore!!!

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Goku, Dec 21, 2005.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. My manager is driving me insane with poo xmas songs.
    He’s put a CD player in the middle of the office and insists on going through his stack of xmas CDs he got free from the Daly Mail.
    Whenever I try and put anything on other than his crappy CDs the barsteward storms in and rants on about how we’re only allowed to play xmas songs.
    If I hear “I saw daddy kissing santa” or “jingle bells rocks” one more time I may be in danger of turning postal and going on a killing spree :evil:

    So if it’s xmas song he wants, it’s xmas songs he’ll get.
    I’m going to make my own xmas CD tonight. I have a few choice songs I can put on, “merry fcuking xmas” by blink182 springs to mind :D
    Do any of you have any suggestions for vile xmas songs I can add to the list? The more offensive the better.
  2. anything by steps
  3. "Santa Clause you cnut" - by Chubby Brown
  4. RTFQ


    "So What" By metallica - it's not exactly Christmassy but "I f.cked this, I f.cked that, I even f.cked a school girl's tw@t" is a fairly universal and festive theme for most monotheistic religions nowadays.
  5. "Feck you neighbour's wife" by John Cale - bugger all to do with Christmas but if he is the sort of bloke who subjects his workmates to his own music despite protests who cares?

    "Tired of fecking" by that bloke from The Jesus and Mary Chain should work too................

    and that one about the gay sailors orgy by The Velvet Underground..............................in fact practically anything by The Velvet Underground at top volume by the sound of your boss :lol: :lol: :lol:

    Ooh just remembered another one "88 lines about 44 women" by The Nails - one of the filthiest songs ever! 8)
  6. Yup..........ther's a cod-Country and Western one called 'You ai'nt gettin' shit fer Christmas'.........cannot remember where it came from , tho'.

    Switch to 'Search'..................Now!

    ......sweep......bleep!.............sweep........bleep!..........swee-oh! here we are!!!!!!

    You Ain't Getting Shit For Christmas
    (Grenga, Stevens, Johnson)
    Smelly Water with The Alan Pinchloaf Singers
    They say Christmas is a time for giving - at least that's what the good book says, and at our house every Christmas Eve my son and daughter and their families drive down from the big city for an old fashioned family holiday. Ma dresses the house up like a Christmas card, you can hear her in the kitchen singing while she's baking cookies for the children. Ma spends hours wrapping the presents she's been buying since last August and hangs all the stockings over the fireplace. The morning of, I cut me down the prettiest darn Christmas tree you ever saw in your life. Eh, this year we really outdid ourselves. You know, Ma and I are getting on in our years so we decided to give the kids tax-free cash gifts of $10,000 apiece.


    I reckon it was around noon, I heard the dogs barking (yells "Come Rags!, Come Guzzler!") and there was Jim the mailman in his old santa cap, coming up the walk teasing the dogs, holding a package. Well he handed it over to me and says "Pappy, looks like you got an overnite package from your daughter". I went back in the kitchen and Ma tore it open. To our horror we unwrapped a fruitcake with a note that read...

    "Aloha Ma & Dad, at the last minute we got a cheap fare on the internet and went to Hawaii. Hold onto our gifts until after the first of the year. Love, Princess."

    Well, Ma's heart was broken and I felt a lump in my throat as I thought to myself...

    You Ain't Getting Shit For Christmas
    You can shove that fruitcake up your ass
    well you ain't getting shit
    no you ain't getting dick
    you ain't getting shit for Christmas

    You know, Ma hasn't had a drink in 20 years and I've been off the sauce a while myself and heck, if there was ever an excuse to start drinking again. (sfx-doorbell) Who in tarnation could that be, Junior and his family? It was some delivery fella standing there holding what looked like a fruitcake tin with a card attached.

    "Pop, the company's condo is free this week and you know how much Pumpkin and I love Hilton Head. Please forward our gifts to this address."

    (sfx-cork and pouring sound)

    Hey Ma, save some for me. Well, Ma took a coniption things turned ugly. She started breaking things and hurled the turkey and those two fruitcakes right through the front window, the whole time she was yelling...

    You Ain't Getting Shit For Christmas
    You can shove that fruitcake up your ass
    well you ain't getting shit
    no you ain't getting dick
    you ain't getting shit for Christmas

    (repeat, fade)

    If you 'Limewire' it..........they will come!!
  7. Own office, door gets shut. I really don't need that shat at work aswel as home !

  8. Anything by Kevin 'Bloody' Wilson he has a few choice ones

    do yer F*ck on first dates

    santa where's my F*ckin bike

    to name a few
  9. Fang_Farrier

    Fang_Farrier LE Reviewer Book Reviewer

    Surely any CD you got at a christmas yourself would also count! Especially oif it is the lsat present you ever got from father/mother/grandparent/RSM before they popped their clogs.
  10. Try here............

  11. Get the johnny cash christmas CD, guaranteed top make even the most cheerful christmas types want to hang themself from the chimney.

    Or try Punk rock christmas by The Ramones.
  12. That is actually a Kevin "Bloody" Wilson song, Chubbs just covered it. Still good but I prefer the original.

    Another KBW xmas song.. "Ho Ho Fcuking Ho"

  13. South Park - Merry fcuking Christmas

    "Hey there Mr. Muslim
    Merry fcuking Christmas
    Put down that book the Koran
    And hear some holiday wishes.

    In case you haven't noticed
    It's Jesus's birthday.
    So get off your heathen Muslim ass
    and fcuking celebrate.'

    And that's just part of it. If you want to offend anyone....
  14. the kevin bloody wilson ones are class for offending people
    ho ho fcucking ho, santa clause you cnut have been mentioned but also look for you can't say cnut in canada.

    i have in my xmas song arsenel...
    the real slim santa.. a pisstake on the eminem song which i suspect is wierd al, white pussy (for those racialist moments) merry fcuking xmas from south park (also see a lonely jew at christmas, mr hanky the christmas poo & the classic, chocolate salty balls)
    theres dozens of pisstakes on old themes knocking around too.... red peter has done a few. try i saw mommy fcuking santa clause, suck on my c.ock (jingle bell rock) which has the classic line "soon you'll be tasting sperm" which is very seasonal imo.

    good luck with offending everyone you work with in some way :lol:
  15. Here's a CD which should give him an aneurysm. You can probably find a download site like Napster to get it cheap.

    A Santa Cause: It's A Punk Rock Christmas
    New Music CD
    Artist: Various Artists
    Record Label: Immortal

    --1: Christmas In Hollis - The A.K.A.'s
    --2: Forget December - Something Corporate
    --3: December Is For Cynics - The Matches
    --4: I Won't Be Home For Christmas - Blink 182
    --5: Feed The World (Do They Know It's Christmas) - Far/Chino Moreno
    --6: Yule Shoot Your Eye Out - Fall Out Boy
    --7: Chirstmas Night Of Zombies - MxPx
    --8: X12 Days Or XXXMASX - From First To Last
    --9: I'll Be Home For Christmas - Matchbook Romance
    --10: Ex' Miss - New Found Glory
    --11: So This Is Christmas - Acceptance
    --12: Christmastime Is Here - Gatsby's American Dream
    --13: Sleigh Bells And Wine - Jason Gleason
    --14: Most Wonderful Time Of The Year, The - In Memory
    --15: This Time Of The Year - The Mighty Mighty Bosstones
    --16: I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus - Stand Still
    --17: Cradle In Bethlehem, A - The Beautiful Mistake
    --18: Icicles - Punchline
    --19: Mookie's Last Christmas - Saosin
    --20: It Came Upon A Midnight Clear - The Red West
    --21: untitled - (hidden track)
    --22: untitled - (hidden track)
    --23: untitled - (hidden track)
    --24: untitled - (hidden track)
    --25: untitled - (hidden track)

    Notes: Contains five untitled hidden tracks following "It Came Upon A Midnight Clear".

    Original Release: RED
    Number of Discs: 11/
    Record Label PN: N
    Quality: 200 Length: 1 minutes n/ seconds

    A sample:

    Blink 182
    I Won't Be Home For Christmas

    Outside the carrolers start to sing
    I can't describe the joy they bring
    cos joy is something they don't bring me

    My girlfriend is by my side
    pick her up while hanging sickels of ice
    Their whiney voices get irritating
    It's christmas time again

    So I stand with a dead smile on my face
    wondering how much of my time they'll waste
    Oh god, I hate these satan's helpers

    And then I guess I must have snapped
    because I grabbed a baseball bat
    and made them all run for shelter

    It's christmas time
    it's time to be nice to the people who
    you can't stand, all year
    I'm growing tired of this chistmas cheer

    you people scare me
    please stay away from my home
    if you don't wanna get me down
    just leave the presents and let me be alone

    Well I guess it's not cool to freak on christmas eve
    because the cops came and arrested me
    they had an unfair advantage
    and even though the jail didn't have a tree
    christmas came a night early
    as a guy named bubba unwrapped my package

    It's christmas time
    it's time to be nice to the people who
    you can't stand, all year
    I'm growing tired of this chistmas cheer

    you people scare me
    please stay away from my home
    if you don't wanna get me down
    just leave the presents and let me be alone

    I won't be home
    I won't be home for christmas
    I won't be home