I am going to Hell! No doubt about it!

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Mugatu, Sep 6, 2012.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. I have done some utterly cuntish thing in my life but tonight i found myself in stitches over the female paralympics shotput, which makes me a total fucking cunt in my own eyes! And deserving of hellfire.

    So what have you done recently that ensures your eternal damnation?
  2. Now that is funny as fcuk even my Mrs is laughing
  3. Didn't anyone see the blind triple jump today?

    Surprisingly they can't run, hop, skip or jump in a stright line, so I don't know who's the bigger cnut:

    1 The bloke who invented this 'sport'
    2 The bloke who decided to put all the judges/ chairs/ boards so close to the running lane they can't keep within

    or 3 Me for laughing louder at each attempt!
  4. Brassed up a family of Dhurka Dhurkas and a cyclist that stumbled upon a drug deal I was doing with some French Arabs. But I dont think the cyclist will send me to the hot place
    • Like Like x 3
  5. Filled a spaz chariots ignition slot with superglue and watched from the pub window at all the unsuccessful help the poor old chap got.
  6. At the hight of the cold war in 83 I told my younger sister the world was gonna end in 84, I didn't know that she and her mate thought I was talking the truth and they went to church for 2 months solid until I was next home on leave. I really die scare them
  8. And just to make sure I am going down, when I was looking after some American actor who I won't name but was in knocked up, he wanted some weed and seemed to think I could and should get it for him. obviously not in my job description but to keep him happy I went into China town bought a cabbage and got the lady to finely chop it then I went to the bank and got some money bags and put some cabbage into one.
    I returned to the hotel and handed it over for the sum of £60.
    Not a word was said and I got a £500 tip a few days later on completing the job.
    That was a result for me I don't know what they thought though
  9. Apartment fire in Sydney yesterday, two jumped five stories to avoid the flames, one died, one critical. Forty three admitted to hospital. However, check out the pyjamas on mama-san. Methinks a rather affordable hand-shandy was interrupted.

    • Like Like x 1
  10. So what you're saying is 'I have an alibi, so go to buggery, Your Worship', correct?
    • Like Like x 1
  11. It cost him £60 the rest was the £500
    tip given to the 5 of us looking after him and his associates
  12. Do not feel too bad about it, if the kids were not playing truant from school you would not have been put in what can only be described as an incredibly difficult dilemma. Its entirely their parents fault for not adhering to Surrey County Councils clear guidelines on school holiday timetables.
  13. ...and furthermore you provided the young one with an opportunity to brush up on her "Hide and Seek'' skills
  14. ...and think of the shoe leather and time you have saved the long suffering Claygate District Truancy Officer. All in all a good days work.