I am a hero!.... (7-62 competition)

#1
I am a hero! It’s official… I read it in black and white in the Sunday Life last night!

So let’s get one thing straight first. I have never been a hero. I don’t have a gallantry medal. Most of the blokes I know with a gallantry medal aren’t either and the few I know who possibly are would cringe at the word. Right… that’s done.

However… to celebrate my new found status… (please see avatar) a competition. Limerick again! Prize: Silver plated Zippo engraved with the ARRSE potatohead… your AKA and limerick.

Now I know that once you’ve tossed yourself nearly to sleep and turned, you dream of taking that machine gun nest… get truckloads of gongs… and more women than you can carry. So let’s hear about your dream heroic act in a limerick. It could start:

There once was a dull bint called Paris or
There once was this little bloke from Paris or
There once was this nest full of Argies or anything really

Anything goes. Winner… the best (which probably means the one that makes me laugh most) by Monday 29th.


bottleosmoke won last time (sorry about the crap photo - the engraving is, of course, sh1t hot)

And from now on no one is to call me a cnut without first saying – with all due respect, oh heroic one… you cnut. Cheers Chris.
 
#3
There was a bomb doctor named chris,
Whos defusing abilities were pish,
He got fcuked off to the Danes,
Who've been at great pains,
To say how sorry they are PIRA missed.
 
#6
BaldricksBullet said:
Well, this is gonna be cheap
if no one else makes a peep
I'll sell the damned lighter
to a real hero fighter
if no one else takes the leap



PS... you bugger ex-stab... I'm so embarased that I haven't put it up on my own site yet.


An EOD went over the Water
To Ulster to cut down the slaughter.
With his work there all done
He said "my that was fun,
But 'Heroic?' I wouldn't have thought so!"

Public domain matey! :D
 
#7
3 entries for you.

A bullet engraved with his name,
Brought “Baldrick” a moment of fame
In the land of cheap bacon
He learned how to make ‘em
And got in the talisman game.

The problem is I don’t smoke
So the lighter; I’ll have to poke
Up my mate’s rear end
So my flatulent friend
Can become the first dragon arrsed bloke.

Dale The Snail bought an old Zippo lighter
Which she struck near the hole in her shyter
But the resulting blast
Knocked her into the past
So her lighter burned shyter is tighter.
 
#8
B-B wanted to give away this lighter,
to someone who proved a fighter
but, a limerick, no one would make,
as they thought this lighter was fake,
But B-B only supplies stock thats alrighter!
 
#10
I achieved a personal goal,
By taking Tim Collins in my section on patrol,
Dripping with bullets and guns,
He been known to moisten nuns,
And can balance a .50 cal along his pole.
 
#11
Aw c'mon lads, don't be shy,
To win this great lighter just try
To compose something witty,
Or even plain sh*tty,
And give us a laugh bye and bye!
 
#12
An EOD Man, name of Flynn
A master of sexual sin
Crammed the small crease
Twixt the legs of his niece
With a foot of his old rollling pin.
 
#13
There once was an Infantry soldier
Who endeavoured to make himself bolder
He went out one night
The enemy to fight
And stabbed his own self in the shoulder
 
#14
Ah...sorry I see...my own heroism?

While keeping lone watch in the night,
Captain Cuddles felt it was alright,
To refuse a Yank one-star:
"Recovery of Predator?
In a minefield at night? Not right!"
 
#15
There once was a student who started to go insane
Because he wanted to play Army games in the rain
But when he got to Leek he thought fcuk me this is bleak
Sack this I’m off to put my d ick in some fat gingers chicks!

There once was a squaddie in Germany
Who after a few jars had a peculiar yearning
He thought I may be a looker but I'll still pay for hookers
Then had to walk the 5 miles home in the morning.
 
#16
Message from Bottleosmoke, currently poolside in Turkey:

I am on my hols, will take some Gallipolli type inspiration on my return

Moist with anticipation ............. and can't wait for the limerick! :wink:


Edited to add hot off the press from Turkey:

I will speak of a terrible blunder,
The slaughter of our boys from down under,
What would you say,
If you were in Suvla Bay,
When those canons roared like thunder?
 
#18
Buried right up to the hilt,
I felt not a jot of guilt,
I've made up medals galore,
From many a fake war,
In order to get my juice spilt.
 
#19
There once was a young fighting farmer
Who considered ops in Afghan no great drama
He picked up his gatt
And a huge cricket bat
And went to knock fcuk out of Osama


howzat?
 
#20
or

There was a young squaddie called Keith
Who hailed from the Welsh town of Neath
He was so chuffin’ hard
And terribly scarred
That he ripped Taleban heads off with his teeth
 

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