I am a bit worried!! help if you can.

Discussion in 'Health and Fitness' started by londonirish, Jul 4, 2008.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. For a while now, I have been trying my hardest to follow Gordon Brown's diktats.

    I don't normally like politics, being a simple sort, all I want is the best for everybody etc, so I thought I would try dieting (eating) as a means of outing Gordini Bruni's government of Stealth Eating And (other) Taxes (SEAT).

    For some time now, I have been following GB's government advrerts reference 5 a day, vegetable portions thereof.

    Have you ever tried to eat these suggested portions? Lots of them foreign "legumes" , but what a fackin revoloution!

    I have, you doubters, so yah booh sucks.

    Here is my Nu'Luk Gordini recipe de la disastre

    Take some garlic, and crush it.

    Braise some haddock.

    Assemble some dill.

    Put in pan.


    Oh, hang on, I forgot the meat

    Silly me, there is none, devoloution saw to that...

    That'll do foe now Kids. You have been watching the live break-up of the United Kingdom. See you soon for the next installmant of Olde Englishe Foode
  2. Let's all just stick to Whisky, Guinness, Porridge, Deep Fried Pizza and 20 a day minimum habit.

    With any luck the heart attack or cancer or emphysema will get me before the obesity!!!


    Thanks for the PM London Irish - every day is a schoolday :D

  3. Sparky I like your five a day can I change Lager for Guinness, it has too much Iron in it and is border line health food.
  4. Yes cbgramc I stand corrected!! :D

    Guinness is border line health food - my bad :( lager it is, or a snakebite or cheap white star/lightning cider.

    To add Buckfast to the list would also be wrong as it's a "Tonic Wine" apparently!!!

    I've tried the five veg a day and its good for you - but just blitz it into a drink or mush type liquid and add vodka - goes down much better!!!

    I hope London Irish isn't panicking - it just seems like this thread may be getting hijacked....

    C'mon the Fish!!!!
  5. Sorry London Irish back on topic or I would if I had clue 1 what you are on about, I look out my office window on this wet Glasgow morning it still looks British to me did I miss something?
  6. Aye, you did. Alex Salmon ( with dill ) wants to make you even more miserable by denying you your God-given right to come south and pillage.

    Once the "Lothian" question is worked out, you chaps won't have a hope of even expressing an opinion any where south of Berwick, on Tweed or otherwise.

    My solution to this problem is to grasp the nettle, and make some soup with it.

    Let's take the fight to the enemy. Here is a cutting from one of my recent letters to Gordini. I omletted to mention that he ought to ditch his wife, in the true spirit of European Union, and hook up with a fit ex-model, like the Frogs do, but that suggestion will be in my next letter.

    Mind you, he'd have to find a blind one.

    " Dear Gordon,

    May I call you that? Your predecessor was so approachable.

    I have been reading, with interest, various articles about some of his policies which you are discreetly getting rid of. With that in mind, I went in search of any policies/laws which you have not gotten rid of, and found some interesting ones which affect the health of the entire nation.

    I tried 5 a day, for the last month.

    Seemingly, this policy still holds true, and I want you to know that, in eating this diet, I am showing my support for your increasingly beleaguered government.

    I feel that there should be some guidance as how to implement the policy, at a grass-roots personal level. Perhaps the People's Government could give us all a personal guide, well one to eight, an hour a day per customer, to "mentor" us in this transitionary phase.

    My daily menue is as follows. For the sake of brevity, I shall omit all non vegetable products from the meals below, whether they be sausages, bacon, black pudding, deep-fried fish, haggis, donner kebab meat, etc.

    Morning; Ulster Fry


    1. Mushrooms (do they count?)
    2. Fried tomatoes
    3. Vegetable Roll
    4. Potatoe Bread

    As you can see Gordon (may I call you that?) at this early stage in the day, I have already had four portions of yummy veg.

    Lunch; Chip Shop

    5. Chips
    6. Pea Fritter
    7. Pickled Egg (does that count?)

    Dinner;McDonalds/Burger King/KFC

    8. Onion Rings
    9. Coleslaw
    10. French Fries ( I tried to find some of these while in France, but failed)

    There is normally an intermission in my daily schedule. After all that thirsty work, I often have 7 or 8 pints of London Pride, which the barman assures me, is produced from hops grown in Kent, so that's number 11.

    After which its time for a snack at the kebab shoppe;

    12. Lettuce
    13. Chillis
    14. Tomatoes (not fried)
    15. Onions (raw)

    As you can see, I am exceeding your daily target threefold, however, my doctor is telling me that I must discontinue this dietary regime, or die, and I am asking you for a second opinion, or even an onion.

    This is not the only area in which I see contradictions in your administration, Gordon.

    For example, the happy news that you are to spend billions on shiny new aircraft carriers will be little comfort to the comrades and families of the next few soldiers to die in un-armoured Rovers.

    your obedient servant, blah blah, londonirish"

    Irritatingly, I have yet to receive a response from Numbah Ten, but I expect he is busy refining his hubris.
  7. IMO anyone who can afford these '5-a-day' exotics (during this time of crunching credit) has more money than sensi. 8O
  8. Well, asbo you know, I have never had much sence anyway, but I thought I'd give it a go. Grasshopper
  9. Check your PM's London Irish :D pmsl