Hurricane in Essex

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  1. A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 onthe Richter scale hit Essex in the early hours of Friday with its epicentrein Canvey Island. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell". The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costadel Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.
    Essex FM reported that hundredsof residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Canvey. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "Itwas such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into mybedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all.I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning."
    Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carriedon as normal.
    The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers arestill searching through the rubble and have found large quantities ofpersonal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

    HOW CAN YOU HELP? This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
    Fila or Burberry baseball caps
    Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
    Shell suits (female)
    White sport socks
    Rockport boots
    Any other items usually sold in Primark.

    Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:
    Microwave meals,
    Tins of baked beans,
    Ice cream,
    Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.

    22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.
    £2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.
    £5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

    **Breaking news** Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberryalco-pop. 'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked," ROMFORD" said the girl,"woss that gotta do wiv you?
     
  2. A major earthquake, measuring 9.1 on the Richter scale has hit Albania this afternoon. 350,000 Albanians are missing and over a million have been reported injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help...

    The rest of the world is in shock; Canada is sending troops to assist the country, Europe is sending food and money...and London is sending 135,000 replacement Albanians.
     
  3. You are both very bad men and nasty things will happen to you
    But both Blo*dy funny
    tears running down my face ya bazzers
     
  4. Oi, I 'ave fackin' fam'ly from es'ix...
     
  5. I wouldn't admit to that!
     
  6. There was a similar one going round our way about Merthyr.

    Addendum: Police have so far recovered 2,500 corpses. Tomorrow, they're searching the second house... :D
     
  7. Now, why doesn't that surprise me, Lobster?

    :lol: :lol: :lol:

    Litotes
     
  8. hee hee :D
    ------------

    THE OLYMPIC GAMES In an attempt to influence the members of the international Olympic committee on their choice of venue for the games in the year 2020, the organisers of Manchester's bid have already drawn up an itinerary and schedule of events. A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below.

    OPENING CEREMONY The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city (preferably from the Moss Side area), wearing the traditional balaclava. The flame will be contained in a large chip van situated on the roof of the stadium.

    THE EVENTS In previous Olympic games, Manchester's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local 'Manchester' athletes.

    100 METRES SPRINT Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

    100 METRES HURDLES As above but with added obstacles (ie. car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences walls etc.)

    HAMMER Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw , sledge etc.) the winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.

    FENCING Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewellery as possible in 5 mins.

    SHOOTING A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. the first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk bank teller or Securicor style wages delivery man.

    BOXING Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

    CYCLING TIME TRIALS Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the country on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

    CYCLING PURSUIT As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

    MODERN PENTATHLON Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering , flashing, joy riding and arson.

    THE MARATHON A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way round the course.

    SWIMMING Competitors will be thrown off the bridge over the ship canal. The first three survivors back, will decide the medals.

    MEN'S 50KM WALK Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Manchester.

    THE CLOSING CEREMONY Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Salford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing and music by the Stockport Community Choir. The Olympic flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium. The stadium will be then boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.
     
  9. LOL - well, luckily for me, almost eight years in the Army from aged 17 and now 18 months at uni in North Wales and I have no trace of an Essex accent, or so I am at least told. So I am able to hide it!

    Although I have always wondered how come Pad Brats seem to speak with an Essex accent?
     
  10. Bare with it :wink:

    Extracts from my diary

    We have just moved from London England to Canada, what a wonderful country with wonderful people. They complain a little about the winters sometimes,
    but I'm sure they love the beauty and tranquility it brings.

    December 8: 6:00 PM.

    It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window, watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

    December 9:
    We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place
    in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both the
    driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel
    again. What a perfect life!

    December 12:
    The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No
    snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think
    that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.

    December 14:
    Snow, lovely snow! Eight inches last night. The temperature dropped to-*20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath
    away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!
    The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll
    certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

    December 15:
    20 inches forecasted. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The
    wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

    December 16:
    Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think
    was very cruel.

    December 17:
    Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm.
    Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it
    when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

    December 20:
    Electricity's back on, but had another fourteen inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Freakin' snowplow came by
    twice.
    Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store
    around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or
    the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

    December 22:
    Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took
    me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too
    tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

    December 23:
    Only two inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she...nuts???
    Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's damn well lying.

    December 24:
    Six inches. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who
    drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he
    comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with
    her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the freakin'snowplow.

    December 25:
    Merry Christmas. Twenty more inches of the @#$%^& slop tonight. Snowed in.
    The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head
    with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.

    December 26:
    Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

    December 27:
    Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.
    December 28:
    Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!

    December 29:
    Ten more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave-in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

    December 30:
    Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother. Nine inches
    predicted.

    December 31:
    Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling!

    January 8:
    I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
     
  11. Sarky
    you are an evil evil person
    my sides are splitting and my face has tears running in rivers down it
    you ARE a BAD BAD BAD PERSON
    :) ;)
     
  12. Bangor I?
     
  13. hee hee hee hee :D
     
  14. Heard a similar one about XMG which read "...The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of IMPROVEMENTS"
     
  15. speaking of essex.....prob heard most of these b4 but funny anyway.

    ---------------------

    SHE WAS SO BLONDE THAT ...

    She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

    She thought a quarterback was a refund.

    She tripped over the cordless phone.

    She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

    She told someone to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk".

    She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

    At the bottom of the application where is says "Sign here", she wrote Sagittarius.

    If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.

    When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved.

    She got an AM radio. It took her 9 months to figure out that she could use it at night.

    When she saw the sign in front of the YMCA, she said, "Look! They spelled Macy's wrong!".

    She stood staring at the frozen orange juice because it said "Concentrate".