Hurrah, Notice in - que underhand tactics from current employer

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by pacestick, Sep 6, 2010.

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  1. The day has finally risen 8.5 years in a job that has treated me like the proverbial mess in the outhouse for the past 5 years**. Fuck me i never thought that the directors would try such underhand tactics to get me to stay -more money, company i'm going to wont survive, think of your family (i am you cunts), we were going to promote you (of course you were)

    any way of to a competitor, i just need the bastards to accept my resignation, so i can get my offical leave date...

    ** mock away should have helped myself earleir..

    here's hoping for gardening leave.
  2. Ravers

    Ravers LE Reviewer Book Reviewer

    Congratulations. Now you need to concentrate your efforts on bringing as much misery to your old company as possible. Nick as much stuff as you can, you never know when you might need 4000 paper clips for instance. Bang the secretary, it won't matter now, you aren't going to have to spend the rest of your working lives awkwardly talking to each other because of it. Laying a Bungle's finger on your boss's desk should also be a matter of priority now. For top marks and real cuntery, hide a couple of open tins of tuna above the ceiling tiles and in the air vents.
  3. Ah old mucker, is that the one you were struggling through while juggling Tuesday nights with a fireman (stay STILL Caparzo!) a f*ck-ugly hire car rep, an advertising troll, a couple of students, a pawn-shop owner and a plumber!!? Whatever happens mate, all the best!

    Sarnian -

    AKA 'The Hunch'

    But this is in the NAAFI, so I'm duty bound by the code of arrse to tell you to shit in the bosses desk drawer, wallop the work experience girl while holding her face on the photocopier plate and feed sheep entrails into all the water-coolers.
  4. As far as I know Burger King™ don't offer gardening leave.

    Burn some onions rings or something, that'll piss them off.
  5. that's right mucker - nto seen the fireman for a long time-saying that not seen many people for a long time (partially my fault)..

    and yes, i'm just thinking of top cuntery ways to leave before i get marched off the premises :)
  6. Try formatting the hard drive on all the computers, write a letter saying what a complete bunch of twunts the company are and send it to every address on the customers list, cancel the phone contracts and electricity then get a female friend to phone the bosses wife and tell her her husband has been having an affair for the last 3 years.
    Fishing tackle shops sell maggots which breed well if left in a bowl of cat food hidden in the airconditioning ducts, (preferably one above a food preparation worktop.) Failinjg that kippers under the carpet and powdered ex-lax in the coffee jar.
  7. When made redundant a few years ago but told to work the rest of the day, I spent half of it on the company telephone talking to my sister in the US and the other half on the phone to my cousin in South Africa...
  8. The_Duke

    The_Duke LE Moderator

    Sensible POV: In a fairly small industry it is highly likely that you will meet some of them again in the future, quite possibly by them being recruited in to positions above you. Play silly buggers at your peril - a few phone calls about any "high jinks" will not set the scene well at your new shop, or with any clients you might want to approach in future. Far better to just get on with the key business of doing well at the new job, and in the process damaging your old company by taking valuable clients/business away from them.

    They don't need to accept your resignation. As long as it is within the terms of your contract (ie notice period required) you can just present it and it has been served. Then walk around smugly, smiling constantly, until everyone else in your office starts to doubt their own position in the company and starts having quiet chats with you about why the new job is making you quite so cheerful!
  9. don't forget that Readers digest will deliver alomost any of their recordings, books or colectibles without checking credit details and merely issuing proforma invoices. They usually give an unbelievable credit limit to new accounts. So don't stint in ordering My Old Employer plc the core of what may turn out to rival the British Library...
  10. Mr_Fingerz

    Mr_Fingerz LE Book Reviewer

    That's all well and good, but this is the Naafi:

    so that'll be Pizza Express pizzas and an unreasonable amount of strong booze all round on the company credit card then....
  11. Send them an email in a harsh font.
  12. in capitals!
  13. Mr_Fingerz

    Mr_Fingerz LE Book Reviewer

    Just had a (sensible) quick thought: check your contract to make sure that they haven't included a clause about taking clients with you (or poaching them afterwards).
  14. Or ....

    If you work in an office with computers, it may well have a false floor - the real floor is a couple of feet below the tiles that you walk on. Prise up one of the tiles and get under there to find a treasure trove of old socketry. If you can find a phone socket, plug in a phone and dial the speaking clock in Australia. Leave it off the hook and replace the tile.

    If your boss is fond of speaker phone, reprogram his speed dial buttons with premium rate porno lines.

    Get some cards printed up with his mobile number and offering a good time to any callers. Distribute cards around local phone boxes and gents toilets.

    If you live in a rural area, lead a cow into the lift. I know a bloke who did this. It wont readily come out and while going up and down, it will distribute copious amounts of slurry in your lift lobbies.

    Feck it, just kill him and drop his body in the sea. The fishies will get rid of the evidence within a few months - right down to the fillings in his teeth.
  15. If you do use this method get some chicken wire, slit his guts then wrap the corpse in the chicken wire, secure that with wire, weight with concrete THEN drop it in the briny.

    The chicken wire stops bits floating off and being found, whilst allowing the crabs a slap-up feast with lashings of lemonade and dead bloke.