humuliation .......fcuk its funny!

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by jibman, Jul 12, 2008.

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  1. just had this classic from a mate in sydney :lol:

    A radio station in Australia ran a phone-in competition to find the most embarrassing moment in listener's lives.

    The final four were:

    4th Place

    While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself, right now, she would be punished.

    To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,

    'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma I saw you kissing Daddy's willie last night.'

    After this enlightening exchange, the silence was deafening. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank, with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

    3rd Place

    It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride down to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on as a whole crowd of people yelled 'SURPRISE'.

    My entire family parents, grand parents, aunts, uncles, cousins as well as my friends, were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen on the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned any surprise parties.

    2nd Place

    A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag. The checkout girl got on the public address system, which boomed out across the store for everyone to hear, 'Price check for Tampax supersize.'

    But it got worse. Someone at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for 'Thumbtacks', and replied in a business like tone, his voice booming over the same public address system: 'Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind one you belt in with a hammer.

    1st Place

    And the winner is...

    This happened at a major Australian University , during a biology lecture.

    A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young woman raised her hand and asked, 'If I understand you correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in sugar?' The professor responded, yes, that's correct adding some statistical data. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, 'Then why doesn't it taste sweet?' After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl turned bight red, and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books, and without another word, walked out of the class. However, as she was heading for the door, the professor's reply was a classic.

    Totally straight faced, he answered her question.

    'It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat'. !!!!!
  2. Very good.
  3. I`m not sure if this lot have ever appeared on here:

    These are from a book called Disorder in the Court. They are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Don't miss the last one!

    Q: What is your date of birth?
    A: July fifteenth.
    Q: What year?
    A: Every year.
    Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    A: I forget.
    Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
    Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
    A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
    Q: How long has he lived with you?
    A: Forty-five years.
    Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
    A: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
    Q: And why did that upset you?
    A: My name is Susan.
    Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or practice the occult?
    A: We both do.
    Q: Voodoo?
    A: We do.
    Q: You do?
    A: Yes, voodoo.
    Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
    Q: Mrs. Jamison, were you present when your picture was taken?
    Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And what were you doing at that time?
    Q: She had three children, right?
    A: Yes.
    Q: How many were boys?
    A: None.
    Q: Were there any girls?
    Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
    A: By death.
    Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
    Q: Can you describe the individual?
    A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    Q: Was this individual a male, or a female?
    Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice, which I sent to your attorney?
    A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    A: All of them, all my autopsies are usually performed on dead people.
    Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    A: Oral.
    Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
    A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
    Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for breathing?
    A: No.
    Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    A: No.
    Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere. "
  4. Took the little squiblet (5) into a store one time where upon she promptly flopped on the floor, and does the kiddy trick where somehow they weigh fourteen stones and are more ridged than a pish hard on. There I am trying to get her ass off the floor, pulling like fukc. Trying to keep a grin on my face, I am now pulling her with two arms when she suddenly YELLS out "DON"T BEAT ME DAD".

    Staring into the faces of evil eyed witches who are looking at me like I'm pulling a daylight kidnapping and advancing towards me like a scene out of Shaun of the dead I continue the epic struggle. Bear Gryllis would have packed it in.

    "Beat You" shouts I, "BEAT YOU, I will kick the living crap out of you if you don't get up in three seconds". At the count of 3.1, I stuck the boots in, gave her a sharp jab in the solar plexus and snapped two of her fingers off before picking her up. Swinging her round by the feet I cut a path through the hording bitchmongs and made my way into the store. Victory was mine that day my friends.

    Actually that's a lie I never did that, I just picked her up by the legs threw her over my shoulder like a sack of spuds and slunk out like a big fecking wimp. :oops:

    She is now 17 3/4 and keeps asking if I will honour my promise of unchaining her when she reaches 18 and letting her out of the cellar.
  5. What's humiliating is how you spelled humiliating :)
  6. ....or using the word 'spelled' when you really meant 'spelt'....
  7. Pedantry is not big or clever.
  8. Both are OK. And it was 'humiliation' that jibman misspelt (or misspelled). Most likely it was a simple typo, as 'i' and 'u' are together on the keyboard. Anyway, nice set of stories, jibman, though I'm not sure how true they all are!
  9. Being caught in the vinegar strokes while sucking on the gussett of your mums dirtiest mesnturation stained knickers is humiliating too
  10. ....or papping off about something before you know what you are talking about.

    Luckily - I don't know any spells, but if I did I would cast an outrageous one on you. :wink:
  11. Going to the supermarket when there's loads of Old Dears doing their shopping. Bending over to pick up an item from the bottom shelf of the display counter and let rip an eye jangling, ear warping 'Paaaapr!' of the loudest quality. The best thing to do is to walk away nonchalantly and ignore everyone....Trouble is I keep doing it several times....

    I might get banned from my local 'Morrisons'..... noxious substance is a bio-hazzard...!! :?
  12. You sound like my kind of guy.
    What's your technique? Beer, eggs, curry or the old faithful - beans?
    Or are we talking about a combination here?
    Personally I like to secretly drop a smelly one and walk out of the supermarket lane, then come back in after a minute or so and watch everyone's reaction as they walk into the cloud. It's skiffing the air I suppose and I get a great deal of pleasure from it. :twisted:
    Am I sad? Yes.
    Am I bothered? Not really. :D
    Farters of the world unite!

    Edited to change the text colour to a nice shit-brown.