Humourless civis

This morning whilst sat at my desk I had the pleasure of loudly releasing a room clearer of a fart then proudly raising my hand and claiming it as mine. Instead of a round of applause mixed with shouts of "good arse that man" I was met by deep scorn and a couple of my colleagues leaving the room in disgust.

What is it with civy types not understanding the beauty of a well executed fart? :?
No sense of humour mate. I too have the misfortune of working with civvies, they just don't get it. Oh, and don't even think about dropping the occasional f**k into a conversation. The amount of tutting and eye raising would not go amiss in the local Women's Institute.

As for your expertly disseminated air biscuit, I hope it was a post night out beer fart containing the appropriate odour level?
Blimey, I wouldn't stand for it. Presumably, they do not like you flicking grollies at them or emptying the spitoon in the wash hand basin either?
There is a huge difference between military humour and civvie humour. I sent this joke around a while ago:

"Osama Bin Laden has been caught in Wales having his way with sheep. All he said was that they're Is-Lams (his lambs) and he'll do what the fcuk he wants with em!"

Now with my sense of humour being the way it is, I creased at this, and most in my unit found it funny. Told the same joke at work and it felt like I was on Shooting Stars with a tumbleweed drifting past.

*Edited because its POETS day and I can't spell*


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I blame the parents!

Even Little Miss Fang knows to lift her buttock and lean over if farting whilst sitting down, and afterwards to look around with a large smile on her face for the acknowledgement of ajob well done from other family members!
RangiRam said:
Blimey, I wouldn't stand for it. Presumably, they do not like you flicking grollies at them or emptying the spitoon in the wash hand basin either?
Yep, and for some reason the females seem to object to me talking about throwing one up the Mrs. :?
I found out a mate's wife had had a baby & went into the office & said to some of the lads & slags there "See ****** (his wife) has dropped another sprog"... It went down like the proverbial log in the swimming pool.
I knew a Liney. He told me that, home on leave at the local working man's club a fellow came up and said 'My names Lister and i've shagged your sister!'

The ex-miner, Lyons replied: 'That's nowt I've shagged your wife'

Lister: 'that doesn't rhyme'

I know, spake Lyons, but it's true!

Fkucking civvies.
It is odd. You come out with a perfectly reasonable question like "Has Kathy calved down yet?" and they look at you as if you've grown two heads.

Some years ago I was asked by a woman colleague if I would be attending the birth of my son. "No, it was bad enough being at the conception" I wittily replied...tumbleweed all over the shop!
I have resolved this problem in the work place. I only employ ex squaddies including the admin team, my secreatry is an ex rlc lance jack and my pa is and RADC, great at admin and looks good in a nurses uniform ( Allegidly)

My Business Partner was married to Squaddie and her Lad is in the Guards Para plt. So I can fart, swear and belch as much as I want to.
In fact My secretary came out with this joke yesterday.

what do you get if you cross a raghead with and octopus?

Something that still smells like shite, but cant half stack shelves!
My company takes turns to clean the communal toilets at work. You should have seen their faces when they found me cleaning the sinks with the bog brush.

I had to explain, that an army bog brush cleans everything, including motorbike engins. It’s a lot better than SillitBang :lol:
Mrs Hallveg just the other night let fly with a fart so bad I almost cried with pride!
It started as a loud belly rumble and ended, some 15 to 20 seconds later with the immortal words,

" I think I'll go for a check wipe"

I honestly nearly passed out, both because of the laughing and the horrible smell.
This forum (this thread in particular) has confirmed to me that I have truly found my sole mate. She laughs at all my cack jokes, works with mongs and tells me all the ice cream/face slap stories and best of all, regularly tries to cup cake me with her post beer farts.

I should have known in the first few weeks but I didn't appreciate the significance of the event until now. You all remember the early days when you're on your best behaviour trying to win your doris over with your ability to drink vast quantities of beer and not upset her mates. Well, I forgot myself one morning and, manoeuvring for a better look of her norks, I let slip a not too shabby trump. I lay there for a second, pondering the value of the Dutch oven, when she turned over, pointed her arrse in my direction, cocked her leg and let rip with a window rattling guff. We have never looked back.

With this in mind, can anyone tell me how she manages to muster a look of utter disgust when I drop my arrse in front of her folks? Two faced cow!

PS Don't PM me for third party mong stories, particular favourites at work are tourettes girl and her dirty protests and naked high rise sh1tting boy.

Edited because someone called my bluff on the mong stories and I can't be arrsed to take on any penpals.
Nope, not all civvies just those with a humour by-pass.....

Monkey is at present proudly learning to burp words like ARRSE and BOLLOX :D

Bring a tear to a glass eye, it's a moment in family history, his first burpwordexpletive.

Beebs x
now this is something that pisses me right off.

I go down my local clap clinic for a check up. You know how it is in the mob - "whatya got this time mate, same girl the rest of the troop had, back again are we" etc etc etc.

I go in and i get asked if i want a 'full screening' = blood test

I reply "well better do! have just got back from thailand!"

Whole place falls into silence, i get the most scornful digusting look like im a real dirty subhuman. Might be true but shit, can at least embrace it with good humour....
well i work in an office full of MOD civvies and RAF ! AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGHHH w ankers !!! all you hear is me laughing my balls of at this website or spitting coffee over the keyboard!
I work in a College and keep getting Bullocked for my sick sense of humour and laid back attitude, my argument is that i still get my work done!

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