Humour - its Friday!

Discussion in 'The Lamp and Sandbag II - The Tall Story Strikes B' started by Baz44, May 26, 2006.

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  1. Paul McCartney has separated from his wife Heather.

    Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught over the split:

    "He was my crutch," she said. "I have no idea why this has
    happened, I'm stumped"

    "Heather's running around in circles", said a close friend. "It
    wasn't easy for her to walk out. She'll need all the support she can get."

    It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed, Lawyers
    say without such a contract, she won't have a leg to stand on.
    There are also claims that infidelity may have been the problem.

    An unnamed source said: "It was a serious problem - she was always
    trying to get her leg over".

    Other reports suggest her battle with alcoholism was the root
    cause:

    "Macca couldn't handle it anymore," a friend said. "He would get
    home at night and find her legless"

    Have a nice day :)
     
  2. And if that was not to your taste try this one :)

    A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool
    and orders a drink.
    After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender "Hey, you wanna
    hear a blonde joke?"!
    The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
    In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell
    that joke, sir, I think it is just fair -given that you are blind that you
    should know five things:
    First - The bartender is a blonde girl.
    Second - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
    Third - I'm a 6 feet tall, 120 kg blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
    Fourth - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional
    weightlifter, and
    Fifth - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
    Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell a Blonde
    joke?"
    The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head,and declares, "Nah...Not
    if I'm gonna have to explain it five times." :)
     
  3. Sweet.... Sweet as Fcuk! lmao :lol:
     
  4. That's utterly prosthetic ;)
     
  5. THREE WOMEN -- ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND AN IRISHWOMAN WERE SITTING NAKED
    IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE GERMAN PRESSED HER
    FOREARM
    AND THE BEEPING STOPPED THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.
    "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY
    ARM."
    A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE JAPANESE WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER
    EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A
    MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."
    THE IRISHWOMAN WOMAN FELT DECIDEDLY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUTDONE, SHE KNEW
    SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND
    WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM
    HER BEHIND.
    THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
    WHEN SHE KNEW ALL HAD NOTICED, THE IRISHWOMAN FINALLY SAID...

    "WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT, I'M GETTIN' A FAX".
     
  6. Oh dear..... :roll:
     
  7. Fang_Farrier

    Fang_Farrier LE Reviewer Book Reviewer

    An African gold miner was caught in a rock fall, the only way they could free him was to caught his leg off.
    He refuses saying who would want a one legged gold digger.
    One of the Rescue crew member bends down and whispers in his ear. The miner agrees to get his leg cut off.
    Once outside the rest of the crew ask the whisperer what he said, Nothing much , just said Paul MacCartney.
     
  8. Macca was just fed up with her constantly fanny-ing around
     
  9. A man had two great tickets for the Football World Cup final. as he sits down,
    another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to
    him. No", he says, "the seat is empty". This is incredible!" said the man,
    "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup final,
    the biggest sporting event in the year, and not use it?"

    He says, "well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to
    come with me, but she passed away.

    This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got
    married".

    "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find
    someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

    The man shakes his head... "No. They're all at the funeral" :)
     
  10. why do women have legs??


    you ever seen the mess a snail makes? :wink:

    [hr]
    Q: How do you know if youve caught bird flu??

    A: You're suddenly unable to park and you start talking s##t

    [hr]

    A polar bear walks in to a pub, shambles up to the bar and asks for a pint of Guinness.
    Nonplussed, the bar man serves the polar bear his pint.
    "That'll be £3.50."

    The polar bear pays him and sits in the corner to drink his pint.
    A while later he goes up for a second.
    The bar man attepts to make small talk.

    "We don't get many polar bears in ere ya know."

    Polar bear replies...
    "At these prices I not bloody surprised!"

    [hr]

    A man was once born as just a head, no arms or anything. Anyway, on his 18th birthday his dad takes him to a pub to celebrate. They go the bar and they order.

    "I wouldn't do that if I were you, i'd walk out of here right now" urged the barman.
    "No it's my sons 18th and I'm going to buy him a drink!"
    So the son drank his pint and out of nowhere suddenly sprouts a chest. Everyone's amazed at this so the dad decides to buy another drink.

    "I wouldn't do that if I were you, i'd walk out of here right now" urged the barman.
    "No it's my sons 18th and I'm going to buy him a drink!"
    So the son drank his pint and out of nowhere suddenly sprouts arms Everyone's more amazed at this so the dad decides to buy another drink.

    "I wouldn't do that if I were you, i'd walk out of here right now" said the barman.
    "No it's my sons 18th and I'm going to buy him a drink!"
    So the son drank his pint and out of nowhere suddenly sprouts hands Everyone's amazed at this so the dad decides to buy another drink.

    "I wouldn't do that if I were you, i'd walk out of here right now" said the barman.
    "No it's my sons 18th and I'm going to buy him a drink!"
    So the son drank his pint and out of nowhere suddenly sprouts thighs. Everyone's amazed at this so the dad decides to buy another drink

    "I wouldn't do that if I were you, i'd walk out of here right now" said the barman.
    "No it's my sons 18th and I'm going to buy him a drink!"
    So the son drank his pint and out of nowhere suddenly sprouts a knees and shins. Everyone's amazed at this so the dad decides to buy another drink.

    "I wouldn't do that if I were you, i'd walk out of here right now" said the barman.
    "No it's my sons 18th and I'm going to buy him a drink!"
    So the son drank his pint and out of nowhere suddenly sprouts feet.

    By this time the son is quite drunk indeed so they stagger outside. Being drunk and not used to walking the son staggers into a car and is runover and killed.

    MORAL OF THE STORY: Quit whilst you're a-head
     
  11. would even be better if you put it in the right forum

    where it is going now