Humour in adversity

#1
At Selly Oak the other week chatting to a Para he said he had developed something like an anger/ panic attack reaction whenever he saw deserts or arabs.
"Still" he said "Im off on leave with the GF in a couple of weeks so I should calm down a bit then"
I enquired innocently where he was going
"Kite surfing in Egypt"
:lol:
anyone else got examples of what makes squaddies great.. the sense of humour when its all gone to ratshit?
 

Biped

LE
Book Reviewer
#2
oldbooty said:
At Selly Oak the other week chatting to a Para he said he had developed something like an anger/ panic attack reaction whenever he saw deserts or arabs.
"Still" he said "Im off on leave with the GF in a couple of weeks so I should calm down a bit then"
I enquired innocently where he was going
"Kite surfing in Egypt"
:lol:
anyone else got examples of what makes squaddies great.. the sense of humour when its all gone to ratshit?
Classic example. It doesn't get much better. :D

No, haven't got any meself.
 
#3
Not sure if its an urban myth but I heard of a guy in the Falklands who had been blown up and was screaming "I've lost me leg, I've lost me leg" and his Oppo, whilst calming him down, said "No you aint, mate, its over there!" Classic.
 
#4
I had a mate who served in the same troop as me, and on hearing of the death of his father, who he had not seen for a couple of years, said "good job I never sent him a Christmas card then"
 
#5
airforceone said:
Not sure if its an urban myth but I heard of a guy in the Falklands who had been blown up and was screaming "I've lost me leg, I've lost me leg" and his Oppo, whilst calming him down, said "No you aint, mate, its over there!" Classic.
I can confirm through personal experience that it most definitely was NOT an urban myth!
 
#6
On Grapple 2, we were catching a bit of stray mortar fire and hiding in a ditch until it passed. One of the TA lads looked at me and remembering it was a Sunday said, "On the bright side, at least I don't have to go to work tommorrow!"

Another similar occasion, when we'd all piled into the nearest cover one young lad pronounced in slightly aggrieved and disgusted tones, "Well, this is shit!" You had to be there to get the full effect, but I still can't help laughing when I think of the look on his face.
 

Tubs

Old-Salt
#7
Another one I heard from the Falklands:
A tom was shouting at his Sergeant during a firefight but couldn't be heard. The Sergeant calls him over. The tom dodges incoming to get to Sergeant and says, "Bad news Sarge, the Range Warden says we have to be finished by 4!"
Hope it's true. :D
Edited for spas spelling. :oops:
 

TheIronDuke

ADC
Book Reviewer
#8
Many years ago and I'm sitting in an open air car park in a bad town with a chum. After about 10 minutes a cyclist enters the car park, drops his bike across the entrance and walks towards us. "Something is happening but we don’t know what it is, do we Mr. Jones"?

Two more guys appear behind him on foot and the cyclist reaches into his jacket. Three pedestrians and a push bike vs a Rover Stirling who's driver just got PMS? I know who my money's on.

The cyclist pulls a warrant card. The Rozzers had setup a rat-trap and surveillance to catch car thieves. Bona Fides established, we prepare to find somewhere with better Feng Shui to do whatever we were doing when my mate says “Thanks for spoiling my day you useless bastards”.

WHAT?

Pointing at me... "He was just about to give me a blow job"

much mirth all round
 
#9
I heard one from the US side. One day a General was awarding medals to his men after they had engaged the enemy with new apcs.

The General asked a one of the young privates how the vehicles had fared in combat. The young private had replied that they ran fine.

The general then asked, did their rounds penetrate the armor? The young private replied, no sir, they only came in the one side and rattled around a bit.
 
#10
Read in "Dont cry for me Sargeant Major" about the Tannoy aboard a ship in San Carlos Water, bombs bracketting the ship and gunners blatting away when the tannoy pipes up with "Dago flight A4is now inbound from Argentina" .. shortly after the sound of missiles being launched is heard, then minutes later .. "Dago flight A4 has now landed .. in four places on East Falkland"

There was also the US Navy jockey in Vietnam who got himself outnumberd quite seriously by Migs, his mate hears him on the radio and asks him what the situation is only to be told .. "Dont worry Ive got them surrounded"
 
#11
It reaks of urban mythology, but a mate once told me about an encounter he had with a marine after taking a p1ss in a public toilet.

The marine said to him "Don't they teach you to wash your hands in the army?"

He replied "No, in the army they teach us not to p1ss on our hands."
 
#12
I seem to recall a previous thread that included the rather sombre story of an aircrew over Germany that had an engine failure on finals and was going to plough in. Accordingly the last message from the pilot was "Cancel two late lunches".

Balls of steel.
 
#13
Billy Connelly to a US citizen:

Yeh, the Falklands was just like Vietnam.

Falklands, what was that?

Just like Vietnam but we won! :D
 
#14
A guy in basic was messing around with a pic axe, deodorant and a lighter - inside a building. After a few attempts of making the can spray and lighting it, exploded in his face. Fire was put out and the guy has his face singed and in pain.

His bezzer runs around "ANYONE GOT WATER?, ANYONE GOT A BOTTLE OF WATER".

- "What for asks someone in the next room"

The guy replies "Oh I'm just thirsty, that's all".
 
#15
I watched a documentary on the Falklands a while back.

Apparently when the massive Argie landing force was approaching the handful of marines holding government house, the Argie commander came over a tannoy and said words to the effect of "Put down your weapons, come out with your hands raised, and you will not be harmed." This was followed by several seconds of silence until one marine took it upon himself to deliver a loud reply.

"Fuck off."

Now that's humour in adversity.
 
#16
On the third (long, long) week of a (long) exercise in BATUS. I and my section are 'diggin in' with 4 man fireteam trenches in the clear night. Our corporal is chatting away with his post Brecon enthusiasm when suddenly a shooting star flashes overhead. The corporal goes silent (very out of character).
"Hold on a second lads." he finally says, "I am just waiting for the kebab to appear in my hands!"
 
#17
I watched a documentary on the Falklands a while back.
Developed in 'An Ungentlemanly Act' to a loud 'Fcuk off you spic bastards' from the RM Detachment Sergeant Major.

Still on the Falklands, HMS Antrim was still doing its usual housekeeping with post inspection praise and bollockings as required. Following an air attack that left an unexploded bomb in one of the Junior Rates' bathrooms the following critique (ish) was made by the XO after the clear up, bomb left in place for the time being.

Captain's rounds showed that a lot of effort had gone in to keeping the ship clean and tidy. Well done. However the port aft Junior Rates' bathroom looks like a bomb has hit it.
 
#18
Somewhere on the western front 1914 the Germans raised a sign with their motto "gott mit uns" on. The Brits in typical fashion countered with "We got mittens too".
 
#19
I believe that this may be a Myth

British Soldier stands at BMH Berlin gate.
In walks an American officer, and the British Soldier nods.
The American walks out and the Soldier nods again.
The American Officer comes in again and stops.
"Don't you salute American officers in the British Army soldier?"
Soldier thinks.........
"I don't think we have American Officers in the British Army Sir!"
- - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I know that this is Truth

Effeminate Army Officer walks into reception of BMH Munster and stops at the reception desk.
Looking at a private soldier stood behind the desk he says "Don't I know you from somewhere?"
Quick as a flash, the soldier replies "I don't drink in those type of bars Sir"
 
#20
Again another funny story from me in BATUS. My armoured infantry platoon one day had a new arival, a 432 full of combat engineers to help us on the TES exercise. The problem was their old armoured shed had no radio. I as the ever eager officer cadet, I requested to go with them in the back of their 432 and talk to the platoon sergeant with my PRR, sounds crazy but it worked...at first. During one attack however the engineers (being a little unsure as what to do with section fire and manover) were led by me, leaving the 432. Later we re-orged with the rest of the platoon on foot...minus a broken down 432. The following went down in history:

Leutenant Ferries: "Where is that section of engineers' 432 attached to the platoon?"
Sergeant Harris: "We lost them sir."
Ferries: "Well who's our comms with them?"
Parky: "That would be me sir."
Ferries: "Well get on the radio to them."
Parky: "I cant sir, they have no radio. I sit in the back of their 432 with them and use my PRR...I am there radio!"
Ferries: "OH...MY...GOD!"
 

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