Humbug FM is playing on your local radio station

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by mercurydancer, Dec 3, 2012.

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  1. mercurydancer

    mercurydancer LE Book Reviewer

    I'm not ani-Christian I'm just anti-Christmas. So much so I would rather chew my own foreskin off to become Jewish but Ive got a bad back and not as flexible as I once was.

    I hate Christmas. Every second of it. All of it. Every aspect of it.

    The holly and the ivy - then the cunts can come to my garden and cut the friggin stuff back as Ive been trying to cut the holly bush down for a couple of years but the fucker grows back faster than i can kill it.

    Slade - That freakin song could send me into a homicidal rage but with added torture for any one who actually likes it. As for Wizzard, it gives me much comfort that most of the little bastards who sang on that song got taken back to see Mr Savile for his own special performance.

    Christmas trees - what part of "cutting down trees is bad for the environment and contributes to the carbon build up" do you bastards not understand? All year the sanctimonious bastards who believe that the climate is being affected by human action, protest with all their energy but when it comes to Christmas, they buy a big fuck off tree which has spent its formative years growing and turning the Co2 into oxygen. They then kill the tree for less than a month of looking at it.

    Turkeys. Again they are poor bastards. I wouldnt mind if they actually got eaten but they dont. They die just to make a spectacle on the dinner table and most people eat about one slice, the rotting corpse of the turkey gets stuck in the fridge to be thrown out when the smell gets too bad.

    I'm vegetarian, which for most of the year doesnt bother anyone. I eat pasta and rice and other nutritious stuff, but it all fucking changes at Christmas. I dont want a Christmas dinner for vegetarians which is just a plate of horrible boiled and unrecognisable vegetables with the turkey meat scraped off just so vegetarians wont be offended. What really boils my piss is that when I actually ask for something which I want to eat, I'm a pariah. Its not Christmassy to want dum alloo or falafels.

    I'm sick of people offering me mince pies and when I check the package to see if they contain melted remnants of dead animals they get all narked when I say I dont want one....

    False bonhomie must be one of the worst things to accept. People who you cannot stand all year, invite you to the Christmas party or dinner or buffet but its all bullshit. Does a Christmas party make people less obnoxious than they are during the rest of the year? No it fucking doesnt.

    Oh, and Tiny Tim is just a spaz.

    Christmas haters, now is your time.
     
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  2. Agreed. I can't stand the wankerish shopkeepers and local councils who decide that NOVEMBER is the time to get the fucking deccos out. I hate the decorations, the fucking tinsel my family insists on shoving everywhere, the mounds of pine needles that moult from the dying lump of wood the christmas tree rapidly becomes. The gormless looks of love for the 'Christmas spirit' and all the other shite that comes with it.
    Add to this the fact I have to sit with ancient relatives, drooling, sleeping and eating with their fucking toothless mouths hanging open in front of me as I tuck into one of the two decent bits of the entire shitshow. The food. Meat with meat stuffed into it, bits of meat in sausageskin then more meat fried to a crisp. Then afterwards a trifle with custard, soaked in that favourite of mine, half a gallon of cheap sherry :D
    I rather wish the whole season, the people, the church and the fucking songs would fuck off and let me get bloated and drunk on my own with the dog serving as the scraps bin.
     
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  3. What a fantastic post ! Genuinely funny. I love Christmas, I should be hung from the nearest holly tree, I know. However the people who don't like it and can be humourous with the critique are very good. (Yeah, they're probably right as it goes but I don't care). I recorded, 'Grumpy old men at Christmas' a few years ago. I play it as a Christmas tradition now as it really makes me laugh as I accept it's probably true.
    As Victoria Wood sang:,'I'll make them gather round the Christmas table, until to move they are unable, they'll wish that Joseph never found that stable...............I'll put my sprouts on in November !'
     
  4. Dirty thieving shop keepers won't get an extra penny out of me the cunts.
     
  5. Merry Christmas you ass hole pray god it's our last ! It took me years to 'get' the Kirsty McColl Fairytale of New York
     
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  6. What telly? Only the unemployed, unemployable and mongs watch telly. I havent had one since I got rid of the playstation. I only bought one because I needed one for a playstation. I shall be buying another because I need/want a GBFO monitor for my PC because I am refusing to wear my glasses and give up wanking.

    Sent from my GT-I9100 using ARRSE mobile app
     
  7. You mean the telly here gets WORSE? Fuck.

    I suppose there would be one upside to living in a hostel but as I'm not an unwashed pikey with a backpack I have a telly. What a dumb fuck I am.
     
  8. You lot are going to get a lump of coal off Santa. So dont be winging on Boxing Day. Twats
     
  9. I don't want anything and I'll not be giving anything.
     
  10. Not even ....... Head
     
  11. Said he with a hopeful glint in his wet, slanty eye..
     
  12. Was that an offer?