Huh Bet Mine Doesnt Fit. - Stories For Veterans

Discussion in 'Current Affairs, News and Analysis' started by Dwarf, Apr 17, 2007.

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  1. Fellow Arrsers.

    I know I have done this before but What I don't understand is that this site has me in stitches and people are supportive about the idea, so why so reticent?
    Following advice from the MODs this is a re-post. So what is it about?
    Simple, like me, I want contributions of funny stories with a military flavour, and some from the Crabs as well, which I will combine into a book and proceeds to either:
    Combat Stress.
    A centre/help-line manned by ex-soldiers.
    A possible Rest Centre in Catalonia.

    I now have on board The Chief Crisis Psychologist who works for the Catalan Provincial Government. He is ex-police, down-to-earth and switched-on, with contacts in the UK to enable us to set-up a help-line. As an advisor on the practical problems with working with people he is invaluable.

    I have already received some response from various people, and the first and longest was from a Matelot of all people and I now have enough for a submariners section.
    So come on and get contributing, or do you all lead totally boring lives?

    Here is the original post.

    Fellow Arrsers.
    I have recently noted lots of complaints on this site about the (mainly non-existent) help given to our returning veterans, and think I/we may be able to help a bit. Instead of moaning let’s set about helping each other, who better to do it? Taking into account the fact that if you put two British Soldiers together before long one will make the other laugh, I have come up with an idea.
    Simply put I am asking you to contribute funny stories which I will then put together as a book, proceeds to be used to help veterans.
    The book will be titled, 'Huh Bet Mine Doesn't Fit'. See below.

    A comment from a fellow arrser: I’ll be honest with you, I like your idea and why not do it, there must be hundreds of thousands of stories out there waiting to be told, some humorous, some hilarious, some reflective and some more serious and I feel that they should be told if people are willing to tell them.

    My initial idea was to set up a help-line/ centre manned by people who know, though it has been suggested that I set up a centre out here (Catalonia) to allow veterans to come and rest perhaps working with Combat Stress. It all depends on sales, if it doesn't take off then proceeds to Combat Stress, if it does then the idea can be expanded to include subscriptions and donations.
    I am writing to Frederick Forsyth and Max Hastings who are squaddie friendly for help in publishers, if you have practical ideas on any aspect then let me know. If it works great, if not then I/we tried, I would prefer to try and fail rather than not do anything.

    What am I looking for?
    Well amusing stories that will make you laugh, from any situation; barracks, action, exercise, it doesn't matter. Past or present, stories from WW2, Borneo, Falklands, Iraq, Germany, Ireland, times in between, get a friend or relation to contribute.

    Stories will be chosen on merit and put into relevant chapters.

    Swearing will be tolerated though may be cleaned up a bit, if Spike Milligan can use the F word then so can we. Probably.

    Stories may be edited slightly for spelling, grammar, and so on.

    Names and units are not necessary but often preferable. If you don't mind them coming out then PM me or use my e-mail, you can also post them but PM your data. Otherwise you can retain anonymity though I may use your arrse name.

    I will be contacting other sources, such as Legion magazine, if you have an idea tell me.

    OK, I include a couple of ideas to give a taste, though I am still trying to work out if I should include the one about my brother accidentally crapping on the barrel of his smg.

    The title comes from when I heard possibly the most intelligent comment ever made on the military.
    Out in Germany on exercise we were in the final hours before endex, everything that was going to happen had done so, and nothing was going on. I got back to my Platoon HQ from Company HQ to see the Platoon HQ lads looking hugely depressed.
    Quick, say something to raise morale, I thought. “ Cheer up lads, the OC has told me we are all getting issued with individual women”
    The reply was instantaneous without changing expression.
    “ Huh bet mine doesn’t fit”.

    Secondly A Fusilier CSM told me this from when he was in West Berlin during the Cold War.
    He was having a quiet beer in his house with his visiting brother-in-law when they got a surprise readiness alert, which regularly happened in those days. As he sprinted round getting his kit on his wife explained to her brother that this was in case Ivan came to pay a visit.
    “ So what happens if it is real?” he asked.
    “ Then I hang my knickers on the banister and go and lie on the bed” she said.
    As The CSM went out the door cramming his helmet onto his head he heard the brother-in-law asking out loud
    “ Has anyone got any Vaseline?”

    I have just noticed that mine both involve women/sex in some way, lets have some variety lads.

  2. Talking to an ex-"IC of mine he says that we all have stories to tell, and some of them must be good.

    So lets hear them, don't think if it might be suitable or not, it's for me to try and judge that.
  3. Best contributers are a Crab, and a Matelot so far in that order now. Where are all the stories about leaping from helicopters into 15ft elephant grass?
  4. If you can't think of one right now at least gizza bump, it's for a good cause.
  5. Hey Dwarf read your posts do you want stories here or as PM got a few from TA Ex in various places.
  6. I thought we answered the post quite thoroughly last time...
  7. I'll merge these when I can find the other threads.

    It would be easier Dwarf, if you could find your previous threads and just add to that?


  8. Gundulph
    To your satisfaction possibly but not to mine, picky person that I am.
    The idea is for you lot to submit stories, and whilst advice is useful and often accepted, it is not what I am looking for.
    Several people have commented that we all have a good story, and you can't go a couple of hours in company of a soldier without laughing at something.
    So what this thread needs is more of "When Iwas in..." to give us material.
  9. Both, as you see fit, my e-mail is open for you to send stuff if you want names and places included.
    A couple here would be nice to stimulate the thread.
  10. I think that when put on the spot people struggle to think of a good story. A better method might be to trawl through the site and find stories that you think are suitable and then PM the authors for permission to use them.

    Here's one anyway:

    TA infantry, 1987. Yours Truly has left the Air Cadets and is doing recruit weekends at the TAC. Upon being told by the Recruit Platoon Sgt that there was no recruit training that weekend I asked if I could go on the training weekend that the trained soldiers were doing. "But you've got no kit lad. You can't do that in coveralls." says Sgt B.
    "Well I have my own combats and webbing from when I was in cadets, can I wear those?"
    "If you're that keen I'll have a word with Sgt K."

    So having blagged my way onto this training weekend, there I am, latest issue combats, 58 webbing, craphat and Sgt K's helmet. (No sniggering!)
    I knew how to work an SLR because we'd shot them in cadets of course. What I didn't know was anything at all about how a section attack is conducted or infantry work in general!

    After a couple of Section Attacks I hadn't made a great impression.
    "What was your assessment of the last attack?" asks Sgt K.
    "Well one bloke isn't pulling his weight" replied Cpl. R, an ex regular.
    "Don't worry about him, he'll learn in time" said Sgt K.

    It must have been about this time that someone thought up the wheeze that was to follow:

    The "enemy" for the day was Sgt. H. The youngest and by most reckoning' hardest Sergeant in the Battalion. He was 23 and made a great impression on all who met him. He certainly made a great impression on me that day!

    The drill was that we would practice "searching the enemy dead" after the next attack. The usual drill (although it was all new to me on the day of course).
    1) One man covers the enemy with rifle, one goes prone on top of enemy
    2) Prone man, rolls enemy body to one side so rifle man can check for grenade or booby trap and say "Clear" or if not, "Grenade" etc. in which case prone man rolls enemy back down to to take the blast.

    Easy, even I could do that! So I get down on top of Sgt H. and roll him to one side. "Clear" comes the word from my new oppo but he totally fails to mention that Sgt H. is clutcing a large combat knife to his chest.
    So I go to get up when Sgt H. suddenly rolls over and points this large knife into my face with his left hand. Instinctively, I grabbed his left wrist with my left hand, pushing the knife away whilst punching him an almighty smack in the face. Dropping the knife he jumped to his feet and kicked me in the ribs, breaking a rib.

    Needless to say, everyone else present is now falling around in stitches at the sight of the biter bit!

    The final outcome was that Sgt H. found me later and quietly apologised for the kicking, admitting that I had just acted instinctively whilst he should have shown some more self-control. The ribs memded in time. What was much funnier though was that for some while later I had a rather undeserved reputation as the new hardman. "Watch him - he punched Bobby H."
  11. 1972. RUC have started joint patrols with Redcaps. Patrol just south of Malone Road receives report that two armed civvies have been seen on bridge over railway line. All get out and dash along the path and over the bridge. The other side is a big field. RUC in lead and drops magazine. A tramp picks it up and holds it out to next in line - a Redcap. "This is your". Milplod sees metal, hears what was said, evaluates threat and shoots tramp. All others in patrol go to ground.
    On one edge of field is a sholl used by UDR as base. Sentry hears shots and sees men go to ground in long grass. He opens fire and the guard turn out to assist. Some of the rounds pass near a infantry base and they return fire. The cross fire over heads of joint plod goes on for some while until someone realises what is happening and someone else does something as result of radio reports from plods.
    As a result of the shooting, one of my sybill sgts goes to the UDR place. Tells them who he is and what he is there for. Speaks to Duty Officer and asks to see those who fired. Declined permission so NCO asks to speak to UDR CO. Is given a number to phone and shown to phone in area outside Ops Room. Calls the number. Says his piece. Some discussion follows and Sgt gets an idea. Lays phone down and goes back to Ops Room. There is DO talking down a phone saying "Hello. Are you There? Hello" The UDR had given him the number of their own Ops Room. Large rollicking from my guy and statements flow like water. As there was an aggro, I had a team at our own Ops Room. The bloke who went to the school had to tell each new arrival about the whole incident. As we heard it again and again, it got funnier and funnier.
  12. oldbaldy

    oldbaldy LE Moderator Good Egg (charities)
    1. Battlefield Tours

    Bet the tramp who was shot wasn't laughing.
  13. As a STAB officer, I was feeling particularly hard and pleased with myself, but once got pinged for a business 'team building' meeting away from home. The 'entertainment' for the evening was a murder mystery, with actors joining the group and revealing all the clues, people meeting unsavoury ends in corridors and so on.

    I was too superior to take part, so hung around on the fringes getting quietly steaming. As the dinner drew to a close, I looked up to see a man pull a pistol from his pocket and start to move towards the stage. Like the trained killer that I thought I was, I jumped up and pulled it off him, pushed him down and looked around to see horrified faces and all the actors hissing, "Let him go, you're ruining the finale!". I retreated deeper into the brandy bottle and left them to it....
  14. Minor flesh wound shoulder area. No resultant problems and he got a small bag of gold as compenstion. Last time I saw him he was smiling and headed for offy.